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Two Year Mark

2009-10-20T23:12:00.000-07:00

I just passed the two year anniversary of the end of my treatment.

Last year, I knew the date was coming up weeks in advance. This year, I was surprised to see it when I reviewed my calendar that morning - it was nice to have it sneak up on me.

In general, I feel so much better than I did at this time last year! What a relief that is.

I still have issues with joint pain (I hope those will go away when I stop taking Tamoxifen in a couple more years), arthritis (my doc says he doesn't think chemo had anything to do with that - I'm dubious), my energy level, and hot flashes. But all of these things have shown improvement, and since I am feeling stronger and stronger, they are much easier to cope with.

I've made a number of changes since I was diagnosed.

In case you are curious, here they are:

No parabens - I threw out tons of cosmetics when I heard about the potential link between parabens and breast cancer. I don't give any gifts to my friends that include parabens either. Brands that I use now are Korres, 100% Pure, Tarte, Boscia, Bobbie Brown...I'm always looking for new things to try and more and more brands are going paraben free so it is getting easier to find things.

Supplements - I used to be anti vitamin, it was part of my reluctance to take pills of any kind. Now I carry around one of those plastic boxes with compartments for the days of the week. I take flax seed and fish oil (omega balance), Avosoy Complete from Dr. Theo for my knees (that stuff works wonders. I am mostly pain free if I take it, skip a couple of days and my knees start to ache) , D3, vitamin E, Cinnamon (to regulate blood sugar, long time use of glucosamine/ chondroiton can cause blood sugar spikes). It is a handful, but I'm happy with the results. Every few months, I do a review of what I'm taking and each supplement needs to justify staying on the list.

Pomegranate juice - I drink some kind of high antioxidant juice every day when I take my pills.

No plastics around food - I threw away all tupperware and other plastic food and drink storage and switched to glass and metal only. The last thing I want to change is not drinking from plastic water bottles. That has proven difficult. I tried a Sig bottle but I didn't like the taste of the water, so I wasn't drinking enough. I'm trying to find a good wide mouthed glass bottle that will still fit in the cup holder of my car.

My attitude - I still see a healer who helps me to deal with my issues, balance my energy, and stay aware of what is going on mentally and physically. I consider myself to be on a home study course to master the art of relaxation - seriously - I make relaxation a priority and I scan my body a few times a day and consciously remove any tension that I find. I consciously work on not allowing tension, worry, and resentment to be stored in my body - I had real problems with that before. I try to pace myself - I still have a long way to go on that - but I do see progress. I make more time and am willing to spend more money on things that I enjoy. I get a 90 minute massage every month. I've come to see worrying and fretting as an abuse of my imagination - and I spend more of my time thinking constructively and creatively instead of fretting about the future.

Fitness - this is still an issue since I have lost flexibility, strength and stamina. But, I do yoga, Pilates and dance a couple times a week. Now that I am feeling so much better, I expect to see great progress on this front this year.

Social - I always made my family a priority, but I cut my social life down to nothing for a few years. I was so focused on work and raising a family that I just didn't feel I had the time and energy for it. Now my friends and the time I spend with them are a priority again. I'd say I have some kind of social activity going on at least three nights a week now, and my weekends are packed with fun things to do - so much so that my chores are taking a back seat. I have become much more lenient on cutting corners for chores and sometimes just skipping them all together for one weekend.

Hot Flashes - I have been learning more about Kundalini - visualizing the snake coiling back down as the base of my spine and seeing a cool blue energy wash over me when I have a flash has helped considerably. I also use lavender and rose oils on my pillow at night. Doing these things has eliminated night sweats and reduced the frequency and severity of the flashes by more than 75%. I have not had a cold flash for months. Hot flashes and loss of sleep were exhausting me - getting relief from that has made a big difference in how I feel, my outlook and my energy level. Everything is just so much easier when you feel good and are rested! I know that sounds simple, but it can be a lot easier said than done.

Weight - yes, I have gained 20 pounds. Yes, I'm not happy about that. But I've stopped fussing about it, decided it is a work in progress, and given myself the freedom to work on it without getting all tied up in knots about it. Tamoxifen causes weight gain because it is a steroid, but I think it also changes your appetite significantly. I don't just eat larger quantities than I used to, I want different things. I am more attracted to richer foods than I used to be. Well, whatever! I deal with that by allowing myself to have a few bites of something rich when I want it, and just trying to eat moderately, and stop before I am full. Balance, balance, balance! LOL The real change is that I'm more relaxed about the weight gain, I can accept my new figure and I'm OK if it takes me some time to get back to where I was. How I feel is much more important to me than my dress size. That is a big change for me.

It feels good to have some things that I do to work on improving my health and my enjoyment of life.

It feels good to be here.

Long Time No See

2009-01-23T16:32:00.001-08:00

Well, it has been a long time since I have posted.

So much going on!

I went through a very tough time over Christmas vacation. I had terrible pain in my left ankle, knee and hip. I could not walk without a limp, I could not find a comfortable position.

I saw new knee doc. Like him. Got an MRI. Diagnosis was a real bummer. I have moderate to severe arthritis in my left knee, moderate in my right. The medical community says lose weight (I basically felt horrified when I heard that - way to kick me when I'm down!), don't ever climb stairs again, try artificial lubricant shots, consider surgery. I was very sad about it for a day or two. Then I picked myself back up and did some research. I found a book called the Arthritis Cure, it gives a 9 step program to try. I bought vitamins from the author's site, started taking them and started to feel better after about two weeks. I am not in pain all the time any more. Yes, it is true, I still can't easily climb steps - but I am already light years better than I was less than a month ago. And,being the stubborn thing that I am, I fully expect to be vaulting up stairs as much as I like sometime soon.

I also learned that heat works better on my knees than cold. So, if they bother me after dancing, I put a warmie (rice bag that you warm in the microwave - you can get them at Origins) on them and I like that a ton better than ice.

I am going through massive changes. Personally, I feel that going through cancer was more than enough change, but apparently, life is not asking for my opinion on this one. A close friend that I work with is leaving to move out of the country at the end of February. My niece quit her job and decided to move away - and I don't have time to adjust to the shock of it because she is leaving with about a week's notice.

We impulsively decided to have the wood floors redone in our house. They cover close to 50% of the bottom floor. We got an estimate that was so good that we just decided to do it. What we didn't know was what it would be like to live with the house cut in half (they had to do half at a time since all of the doors into the house are on hard wood) you know, little things like finding out that you have to walk out the front door, then all the way around the house in sub zero temperatures since your coat is on the other side of the house. Realizing that the pet fish is stranded on the other side of the house - behind plastic sheeting that I had to tear into to get to him. Finding out just how noisy it is to have someone laying down new floor and sanding the existing. Finding out how incredibly awful polyeurethane smells. We came home every day - sometimes very late, tried to breathe, and if we couldn't - we headed out for a motel. So disruptive! We would flee to the hotel with no luggage, sleep just a few hours, get up at 5, head out into the dark and miserable cold, then come back home to shower and get the kids ready for car pool. I don't know if I can adequately describe how unsettling it is to not know where you are going to sleep every night. To have the kids need to do their homework on the open computers in the motel lobby. To eat out every meal for days because you cannot get into your own fridge and kitchen.

But that is all over now. The floor is in. Looks great. I am sleeping in my own bed and sighing deeply as I stand at my kitchen sink - just because I can.

My elder son is doing well too. He has applied to four colleges now. Two have accepted him so far, we are waiting to hear from the other two. He has filled out scholarship packet after scholarship packet. We are waiting to hear on that too. I have a FAFSA workshop to attend Sunday that is supposed to teach me how to do the whole thing. I will be so relieved when that is done.

Work is off the charts. I am working long, long hours. Working through vacation, working late nights, working on the weekend. I could complain - oh yes, I sure could, but I really see it as the world trying to teach me that I need to take better control over my own schedule and my own priorities, so I am working on it.

So what am I doing for fun? Well, not much actually. I keep missing Pilates classes, Jamz and Contra dances. That makes me very unhappy. I gave my husband a DVD series that we are really enjoying - Reaper. The pilot was directed by Kevin Smith. I didn't watch it when it was on TV, but we became addicted to the DVD's. That was really fun. We would all huddle together every night to snuggle up and watch and episode or two. A nice break.

For Christmas, my husband bought me a ring. I wear it often and the was such an amazing surprise. I also got a ton of new CD's. I have a CD changer in my car, so I got it loaded up with all new music - that's nice for my ridiculous daily commute.

I have not seen my friend who has brain cancer in three weeks. God, that makes me sad. We saw the whole family at Christmas time and spent a great day with them, then I have not taken a second out for them since! That sucks. I'm ashamed. How could I let three weeks slip by like that? I don't care how busy I am - I should make time for them no matter what.

So. Everyone I know says they don't know how I do all the stuff that I do. I agree with them. My project now is to find a way somehow - I don't have any idea how yet - to slow down.Take more time for myself.

Oh yeah, two more fun things. I took the fam to see a dinner theatre production called "Polynesian Fire" - it was great! Just the right mix of hokey and fab at the same time. Girls who look like regular people doing the hula, spinning double ended torches on fire, a buffet that was hilarious because everything had to have a tropical name - Diamondhead Ham, King Kamehameha pork, I'm sorry, but that's funny!! Dragging people from the audience up to the stage and making them dance - we all had a great time. The other fun thing is my DS. I've given up on reading - I just don't have enough time right now, but I can fit in a quick game of Zenses or Meteos.

Uh.

Yeah.

I realize that reading used to be one of the top five things in my life and a great source of pleasure and learning for me. I used to shun TV. I refused to have on in my bedroom for years, and even put ours in a storage locker for a couple of years once. I used to think video games were for kids, or idiots, or maybe for kids that were idiots. Well, I sure have changed my tune, haven't I? I have no idea if that is a good thing or a bad thing, I just know that that's what I'm up to for now.

The Struggle

2008-11-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

Well, as you know, my auntie in Canada is facing breast cancer right now. That would be a hard thing for me regardless, but it is harder since I know firsthand exactly what she is going to go through. Once you have heard someone tell you that you have cancer, you feel it in your gut when you find out that someone that you know has also had to hear that.

Last week, in a meeting (the curse of having a Blackberry) I found out that one of my fellow contra dancers lost his battle with cancer. I had only heard that he was sick a couple of weeks ago and now he is gone.

Then, this weekend, the daughter of our closest friends in the world called to tell us that her father has a brain tumor. I am devastated to know that these people that I love so much are going through this. It helps that I've been through it because I really do understand any reaction they will have to the fear, confusion, and shock of it. But it hurts me all the more because I so vividly know what they are feeling and what they are facing.

I will be there with them every step of the way, and I will use the knowledge that I've gained to help them as much as I can. But in the meantime, I am drowning in a sea of emotion right along with them.

Making Strides and All

2008-09-27T07:42:00.001-07:00

The local breast cancer walk is coming up.

I can't participate this year, I will be in Seattle for work. I'm not sure I feel bad about that. I think I'm more happy that my life is so busy that I just can't fit that walk in. I did not participate last year because I was just too sick.

I'll be interested to see how I handle October this year. Last year, having Breast Cancer month come while I was doing radiation just felt so personal. I was exhausted and scared and everywhere I looked was a big pink sign that said breast cancer. Some things pissed me off. Breast cancer shampoo at over $20 a bottle and when you read the fine print you found out they only donated a dime for each bottle sold. I was irate because breast cancer should not be a markteting ploy. I was irate because they raise a lot of money to fight this disease, but when you go through it you face your medical bills alone. I have pretty good insurance, but treatment still cost me plenty. Breast cancer tic tacs, breast cancer yogurt. Where does all that money go I wonder? Does anyone keep track? Do these companies really give a crap or have they just figured out that if sales go up by 20% when the wrapper is pink - then they can afford to donate 5% and take a tax write off on the donation? Is the whole thing a racket?

On the health front, I am doing pretty well. My energy is good. Appetite is too good thank to Tamoxifen. I am worried about my mobility. The arthritis in my knees is not letting up. One is worse than the other and that one is sore and stiff to some degree pretty much all the time.

I'm not doing much to help myself. I have exercises to do daily. I don't do them. I'm too tired by the end of the day to think about it, and too rushed during the morning. I'm trying to get them back into my routine. I have orthotics for my shoes. I like those, but don't wear them all the time because I wear so many shoes that are open like mules and flip flops. I'm sure I will wear them more in the winter when I change to closed shoes. I take glucosamine. I ice them after dancing. Geez, that's fun. Makes me feel like a granny. Getting up and down stairs is still a big problem. I have to go slow, and I feel unsteady. My knees sound like I'm popping popcorn. There is another series of shots I could go for - but I'm not willing to try it. Cortisone made me worse not better and was fabulously expensive. Made me very reluctant to let them inject anything else.

I still dance whenever I can - and it is still a source of joy for me. I don't compromise on that. Nothing stops me from going to contra, nothing stops me from going to Zumba or Jamz if I am in town for it.

I was in Texas for work last week. It was interesting to teach a class on site after treatment. I had to struggle to get my stupid bags up and down the stairs at my two story hotel since they didn't have an elevator. Going up and down the stairs was hard enough, doing it while dragging my computer bag twice a day was harder. I found it harder to skip meals or wait long hours between meals - I was more sensitive to how bad I felt if I had not eaten in hours. My knees hurt all the time. I had to wait for the elevator when the client took the stairs because we were talking four floors and I just didn't think I could make it. Twelve hour days in front of the customer make anybody tired, I'm sure. But I felt just that little bit more exhausted than I used to.

I am learning how to deal with normal stress again. New job is a total whirlwind. I'm traveling more than I used to. I'm behind on the contra event that I am organizing - I don't have the time to dedicate to getting the committees formed. My eldest son needs help to visit colleges, fill out applications, and fill out his FAFSA form. I have zero personal time. I read for about ten minutes at night before I pass out, that is my relaxation. Eating well and exercising have totally gone by the wayside.

I recognize that I can't let my needs take the back seat in my own life anymore, but damn, it is hard to make the time for myself.

What a Difference a Year Makes

2008-08-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

I had two big events to celebrate this week.

Wednesday was my one year anniversary of my last chemo treatment. By this time last year, I was exhausted, bald, scared out of my wits, ten pounds lighter, plagued by hot flashes and seriously sleep deprived.

To celebrate this important anniversay, I had lunch with a good friend who just so happens to also be a survivor. We went to an all you can eat sushi buffet. And we ate until we were both in pain. Ah - that glorious engorged tick feeling! And I spent the whole day relishing how good I felt. I thought about all the good people and things that have come into my life in the last year. And of course, I hugged my kids a little longer and a little tighter that evening when I came home.

In some ways, I can't believe a whole year has passed, and in other ways, it feels like all that misery was a very long time ago.

Thursday brought another reason to celebrate - I was offered a new job. I applied for the position in March, and it has been a long process to get to this offer. But I got it! I'll start in a couple of weeks. It is a huge promotion and I am so excited about the whole thing. I'm excited about the new team I'll be working with, I'm excited about all my new responsiblities, and I'm excited to work for my new boss. Over the past few weeks, as I have had a chance to get to know her better, she has said and done some things that really impressed me. For me this is the best of both worlds - I get a whole new job but I still get to stay at the same great company.

I am proud of myself for applying for and getting the position; I am proud of my company for promoting from within and I am so very grateful to all the people who supported me and recommended me. During the interview process, I had to meet with a number of stakeholders and it was such a positive experience. It should have probably been scary, but it wasn't. I enjoyed every minute of it. Everyone was so enthusiastic and said so many great things about my work and the contributions that I've made.

And this promotion is only made sweeter by the contrast to where I was this time last year.

Back From Canada and knees

2008-08-09T06:40:00.001-07:00

We are back from a family reunion in Canada. The little town that both my parents come from is a bit hard to get to, so the travel days were long and the first one was especially frustrating since we missed a connecting flight, had an unexpected 10 hour lay over and got finally into town at 1 a.m. to discover that they had given away our rental car. It all worked out in the end and I had a great time seeing every one. We were only there for three days, but we managed to see both sides of the family. It was hard to leave.

When I got back, things were a whirlwind. I had to get both sons to their schools to pay their fees and pick up their schedules. They start next Wednesday and they are both at different schools. My youngest is at a new school now since he is in the sixth grade, so we have some learning and adjusting to do there. Then I took a sick day and crammed in as many doctors appointments as I could. Eyes for all of us. So our eyes were dialated. Ordered new glasses and lenses for the boys. I held off on mine. I need to choose new frames and I was in too much of a hurry to get to my next appointment to do any looking right then.

I dropped everybody else off at home and headed off to see an orthopedic doctor for my knees. I've had crunchy knees for about a decade now, but they have become much worse in the last few months. I suspect both chemo and tamoxifen are playing a part in that. When it became very difficult to climb steps and I found out that I could not longer squat or do lunges, I decided it was finally time to look into it. I have osteo arthritis in my knee caps.

I like a couple of the treatments. On Monday I go back for a single physical therapy session where they will give me a list of dos and don'ts and teach me an exercise routine that I can do on my own. I will also get fitted for orthotics for my gym shoes, turns out that I suppinate slightly and the inserts will help to line my knees up properly. The next options I don't like so much. I let them give me cortisone injections in both knees. They said side effects would be minimal. Wrong. By that evening, I could barely walk. My knees were so swollen and stiff that I could not bend them. And they were painful up to mid thigh - very painful. They were a bit better the next day, at least I could walk, but they still hurt and were very swollen. I wore a long skirt to work to hide them.

Today they are still sore, but the swelling is way down and I think I will be able to dance tonight. At least I hope so. I also have prescription strength Aleve. I'm supposed to take one every 12 hours, being stubborn about such things, I'm taking one every 24. They also want me to consider lubricant injections directly into my knees. I don't know about that. I think I will give the inserts and the exercises a while to work before I consider any more injections.

Then I rushed from that appointment to my annual OB exam. I was more than tired of being messed with by the time I saw her as you can imagine.

Ah, Summer

2008-07-13T19:07:00.001-07:00

Oh, how I am reveling in this summer.

Time outdoors. Walks. Bike rides. Salad from the garden. Nectarines. Watermelon. Kids having squirt gun fights. Church festivals. Fireflies. Long lazy evenings when the sun just seems to hang there low in the sky, as reluctant to go to bed as we are.

So this is what I did this weekend.

I started Saturday with a Pilates Reformer class. Then I came home and worked at weeding our organic veggie beds. They were pretty neglected so the weeds were healthier and more vigorous than the cucumbers, jalapenos, tomatoes and basil. My husband and kids came out and so did a good friend, so we all sat outside and weeded for an hour or so. Being out in the garden with friends and family is one of my favorite activities, so I had a ball.

Then I did a few chores and went out to see the new Hellboy movie. I liked the first one, and I enjoyed this one too. I also really enjoyed watching my kids watch it - they loved it and sat on the edges of their seats a few times.

Then we all went to contra. It was second Saturday, so we danced from 8 until 11. It was miserable kind of humid so we were all sweating buckets, and crowding around the fans to enjoy a cool breeze between dances. But even with the heat, it was the usual great time listening to music and dancing with friends.

Sunday started with Zumba class with my favorite instructor, Chet. I have gone enough that this time I was able to relax and really dance a couple of the dances instead of still fumbling and learning. Boy, that was fun.

Then I came home and did more chores and paid bills. My husband helped me install a new HP print/scan/fax/copy station that I bought (coupon at Costco made me finally get off the stick and buy one after looking at them for the last couple of years). It took a while, but once we got it set up and tested, I fell in love with it. I got my pesky FSA paperwork out in a flash since I could make the copies here and fax it out using speed dial! It rocks. So much better than lugging all the paperwork into work, staying late and using the old and slow fax machine that we have there. I am on a real kick to streamline as much of my chores as possible - I find myself less willing to toil, and more willing to find ways to make time for fun. That's not natural for me. My old way was just buckling down and making do with whatever the circumstance was. Not any more. I ask myself what I want to do and how I want to do it. And if I have to do things I don't enjoy, I find a way to make it more fun (if nothing else, I crank up some tunes), and I consider what I can do to streamline it so I can spend less time on necessary things and more time on fun and family. Duh. I really should have thought about that before!

After all the chores, we walked (about a mile and a half stroll, very pleasant in the evening both ways, I can't remember the last time I walked home in the dusk - the sky was so pretty) to a local church festival. I had a frozen margarita that tasted quite a bit like spiked urinal cake. Needless to say, I only had one. I also got onion rings. I don't feel like I have really experienced a festival if I don't eat something totally greasy.

We saw a few friends there. My eldest won his brother a goldfish, we won a honey baked ham raffle, a DVD raffle, and I won an item at the silent auction. It was a pretty funny walk home. I had my purse, water bottle, goldfish in a bag and the basket that I won. My husband and I took turns holding the stuff, but we both had our hands full the whole way home. The kids stayed later than we did, and rode their bikes home with friends.

At the festival, I saw a woman going through chemo. She wore a pink shirt and flip flops, and a pink scarf covered with a baseball cap. She looked about my age too. And it looks like she decided to skip wearing a wig just like I did. I debated going over to give her some encouragement (you know - hey, I did what you are doing this same time last year, and look at me now kind of thing), but in the end, I decided to respect her privacy and let her enjoy the festival without some stranger bringing up what she is going through.

And I learned that one of my aunties was just diagnosed too. I'm doing what I can to offer encouragement and support and I will get to see her soon when we go to our family reunion.

I guess no matter how far you get away from treatment, you never really do get away from it do you? There will always be reminders. If you don't think of it when you see yourself in the mirror with totally different hair, a scar or two and some extra pounds, then you will be reminded because there are just so many other people going through the same thing.

I'm glad my totally crazy life is back in full swing now, and I'm glad I have a new appreciation for every little bit of it.

So what does it feel like to have a lumpectomy?

2008-06-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

I found this entry on another blog that I have. I never published it.

I wrote it on May 15, the day after my lumpectomy.

I'm publishing it here in case it can help anyone else who need to go through it:

I really did not think I would blog about this. It's very personal. But, since I found out that I have breast cancer (just a little over a week ago), I have been doing non-stop research into what I have and all my options. What was missing was a personal narrative from someone who has gone through it. I could find plenty of factual information, and I have a great workbook that they gave me when I was diagnosed. And there are plenty of quotes from survivors. But no real story from someone going through it. So in hopes that this helps someone, and maybe helps me too, I'm going to describe what I have experienced so far.

First, I got a phone call from the Breast Center after a routine mammogram. I had the mammogram on April 21st, and I got the call on April 26. They have never called me before, I usually get a letter. They told me that it was probably nothing to worry about, but they did see something that they should take a closer look at. I needed a special view mammogram and an ultrasound. I called my OB to make sure that she agreed and to see if she had any other recommendations. She is wonderful woman whom I trust and respect. I have known her for over ten years. She said to go ahead and have the tests as soon as I could. I scheduled them for April 30.

The lump is very close to my chest wall, so they had a hard time getting a good picture of it on this newest mammogram. They even tried turning the machine upside down. One time, they stuck both of my breasts on the platform with me facing forward, I called that the "Baywatch" view. I still wasn't worried. After getting the phone call, I went searching for a lump and I did find one, so I was able to point the ultrasound lady right to it. I still wasn't worried. She left the room to give the results to the radiologist. He sent her back in to look at my lymph nodes. That is when I knew that they thought I had cancer.

The radiologist came and and said that he didn't tell people very often that he thought they had cancer until he had a biopsy to prove it, but in my case, he was very worried that this lump was cancerous.

They scheduled me for an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy for the next day. He numbed the area (lidocaine), made a small incision, then stuck this thick needle with a big plastic cassette on it into the lump. That part did not hurt at all. Then, he pulled a trigger that snaps a sheath down over the needle to take and seal the sample. That part hurt. It felt like getting your ear pierced over and over again, except that was not my ear. I cried through the whole thing. Not from the pain. I was sad and scared because I could have cancer. My Mom had breast cancer. She got through that very well. Years later, she got lung cancer and that was a long sad fight until she died. Knowing that I could have cancer now just brought all of those memories flooding back.

I got my diagnosis two days later, on April 4th. It is a T1 invasive ductal carcinoma. The most common kind of breast cancer. Even with all the tests and preparation, I was truly shocked to hear that I have cancer. How could I? I'm young, I feel fine, I had no warning.

Now I had to decide who to tell. I told my niece, my kids, and my brother and sister, of course. I told my youngest son's principal and asked her to tell his teachers. I told his cub scout den leader. My oldest son wanted to tell people himself, so I didn't call anyone at his school. My rule at work is this: if I come into frequent contact with someone, or they rely on my to respond to meeting requests and e-mails, well then, they need to know. It was very hard to stop by people's cubes and tell them. I did not want to do it via e-mail. I didn't think that was fair. I told people because I thought that there is no way they can be supportive and patient with me if they don't know what is going on. I told all my neighbors too, for the same reason. People have responded with courage, affection, encouragement, kinds thoughts, prayers and support. It has made all the difference. While I know that to a certain extent, I have to face this alone, I do not feel alone at all. I feel loved and supported.

I called my OB again for her advice, and she recommended the same surgeon that I had seen ten years ago when I found a lump that turned out to be nothing.

I got an appointment to see her on May 8th. This all happened so fast. And I am grateful. The waiting and not knowing were excrutiating. My surgeon sees her cancer patients after hours so she can take more time with them. I showed up with a page of questions and she patiently answered each one. She also treated me like a person; we talked about other things and joked around too. She said that I needed a lumpectomy, radiation and hormone therapy for sure. Chemotherapy would be required if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, or if I failed a genetic test that is an excellent predictor for recurrence.

I saw her on Tuesday, and my surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, yesterday, May 14. I am not a big fan of any kind of pill or drug. I rarely even take vitamins. But, I told her that I was having trouble with basic things like eating, sleeping and not crying. I thought I needed something to help me through. She gave me a prescription for Xanax. I still resist taking it, but she recommended that I take one six hours before my surgery to help me deal with anxiety and the fact that I could not eat and drink for such a long time. I have a lot of trouble with that. I'm one of those people who snacks every couple of hours and always has a cup of tea or glass of water in my hand.

So, yesterday morning, I made sure my bag was packed. Ugly bra that hooks in the front. I needed one since I will have a sore arm where they take some lymph nodes. I tried Target and Dick's Sporting Goods first, no luck. Then I went to Dillard's. A very nice lady helped me choose one without an underwire so that couldn't press against my bandage, and a bigger size so it wouldn't squeeze my side too much either. Then my husband said, "let's go look at the patio dresses." I had a hard time with this. He was thinking practical, I was thinking that only little old ladies wear those. I did pick one with a sixty's looking flower for the zipper pull. It reminds me of Scoobie Doo. I hated buying it, so I went right to Victoria's Secret and bought a nice black lace thong to counteract the dowdy dress. The dress bugged me so much that my kids tell me "Mom, get over the dress already."

Also in the bag was a pillow to put between me and the seat belt on my ride home, some funny books (Woody Allen and Nora Ephron), a cliff bar and a bottle of water.

After I was packed and the house was a little straightened up, I took the Xanax. Then I made myself stay awake to pay some bills and do other chores. I finally went down for an hour's nap before we had to leave. That helped.

I had my surgery at a plastic surgery center, not a hospital. I was a little worried that they would not be as well equipped. But, they were terrific. I waited in the waiting room for about 20 minutes (we were early too). Then a funny, kind, warm lady took me back to get prepared. They wanted a urine sample for some reason. A pretty sick request to make at 2 in the afternoon after I was not allowed to eat or drink since midnight. I managed somehow. Then I changed into a hospital johnnie and some socks to keep my feet warm. She covered me with warm blankets too. She asked me a bunch of questions and had me write "yes" and my initials on the breast with the tumor. She gave me an I.V. She asked me to take a Zantac (for stomach acid) and some Celebrex. I asked her about both drugs since I had never taken them. She said Celebrex is good for pain, so they wanted to give it to me before the surgery. I was pretty excited about the two sips of water.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and asked some questions, and my surgeon came in to talk to me. She needed to listen to my heart and lungs, so I had to sit forward. She snapped my new thong and said it was cute and she wanted to know where I got it. That made me laugh, not an easy thing to do at this point. Then the nurses came to get me. They wheeled me down a short hall and into the operating room. I got pretty scared. I am very good at denial, and have made some pretty good use of it since I've faced this, but looking up at the surgical lights, and having your arms placed on those two little boards out to the side makes it very hard to deny that you are about to have an operation.

My sister recommended that I see "The Secret" before my surgery. I didn't have time. But I did get the book and read some of it. It was a good reminder about how important your attitude is. So, before my surgery, I visualized myself waking up easily afterwards, happy and refreshed.

They put a gas mask over my face. Oxygen first, then something that smelled like medicine. The people in the operating room chatted with me until I fell asleep. It really helped to make me feel calm.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. My husband said that I had woken up before and the surgeon had talked with me. I have no memory of that. The nurse asked if I was in pain, and I was uncomfortable, so she gave me a pain pill. My husband says that all I could talk about was how nice everyone was. I guess that made a huge impression on me. It still does.

And so, they let him drive me home. We had a flat tire on the way! So, we waited for the tow truck, and my niece waited for me at the tire place so she could take me home while my husband could take care of the tire and get my prescriptions filled.

Here is what it feels like now. I have a bandage under my arm, and a drainage tube attached to a bulb. The kids and I call the bulb my "grenade" because it looks a little like one. That part is pretty sensitive, and it hurts when I move my arm. I have another bandage over the place where they took the lump. Every once in a while that has a deep, dull ache. What really hurts is my nipple. I had what is called a sentinal node biopsy. They insert blue dye that travels to the first lymph nodes that the cancer would travel to. So they know which ones to remove. Judging from the blue dots around my aureola, and the one right through my nipple, I think that is where they injected the dye. I am amazed that that hurts more than my incisions. The bandages are covered in plastic, so I can take a shower today. And I get to take them off tomorrow.
I have antibiotics and pain pills. I can take a pain pill every four hours. I try to stretch it out by an extra half hour or hour so I don't take so much, but I get pretty uncomfortable when I do that.

So, I guess my advice for anyone else who is going through this would be, do your homework so you know your options, find a team of people that make you feel comfortable and cared for, don't be afraid to ask for help with the emotional side of it, and do what you can to be grateful for all the little blessings that come your way as you go through this.

Encouragement

2008-06-06T11:26:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, the kids and I rode our bikes over to the local (very local - this was a pretty slacker bike ride I assure you) mall. I had not been on that bike for SEVENTEEN years! Uh, so I guess it was high time.

We had dinner (my husband met us there – his bike had a flat) and we went to Borders. I stumbled upon this book called “Younger Next Year”. I leafed through it and liked it so I bought it and boy am I glad I did!

The book provides six rules to live by and says that if you follow them faithfully then you will find that 70% of aging is optional and you will be in great shape until the end of your days. The book is written by an internist and his patient who is in his seventies and skiing, biking, rowing and generally having more active fun than I’ve ever had. Age is just not an issue for this guy and I admire him greatly.

Their tone is realistic optimism, and I found it very encouraging. Their rules are backed up by both science and experience and they sound true to me. I’ve always felt that the rules were “Use it or lose it” and “Great circulation is key” and their findings back those rules.

What they gave me was motivation to buy a heart monitor, buy their journal, and get out there and move every single day, not just a couple of days a week. They recommend that you work out six days a week – four cardio and two weight bearing sessions. They give you guidelines that are easy to follow for how long and how hard you should be working. And they freely acknowledge that at the start all that you can do may not be very impressive – heck you may never get to an impressive level. But what you will be doing is daily sending your body the right messages so it stays in growth and repair mode and doesn’t lapse into energy conserving decay mode.

I’ve read plenty of fitness books and they were all too hard core or too time consuming and/or complicated to get me to make long term changes. Not this book. What it gave me was the encouragement, organization, and motivation to make a daily change – so far I’m sore, I look like a spaz in class at the gym – and I’m loving it.

In my new found quest for cardio, I found a class at the gym that is my absolute favorite – it is called “Zumba”. It is a mix of salsa and hip hop. If the instructor is good, it is an hour of heart pumping hilarity. You know you are working hard, but you are too busy laughing and shaking it to care. I’m also hearing new music. My favorite instructor – this totally amazing and jubilant fellow named Chet – does creative choreography and plays songs like “Apple Bottom Jeans”. I would not have heard that song and I definitely would not be out there strutting my stuff to that song were it not for Chet. I get all depressed if I have to miss one of his classes now. Yes, you heard me, I am pretty much scheduling my life around a hip hop class!

Oh yes, I still dance contra and I still do Pilates Reformer classes, I just added a bunch of new activities to the mix.

Another thing that I've been enjoying is MBT shoes. I found some at an outlet and got a pair for me, one of my sons (the other one wasn't with us and there is no way I'm paying that much for shoes he did not try on and we can't return), and my husband. I go for walks with them and my Nordic Walking poles. I'm sure I'm quite a sight. Tell you what, you can tell those shoes are working - the muscles in your legs and - ahem - hind quarters will let you know! I recommend that you search high and low for a sale on these little gems though - they are expensive.

First Post Treatment Mammogram

2008-05-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

I had my first post treatment mammogram today.

I managed to keep a lid on my anxiety until we actually got in the car and headed up to the doctor’s office. I started to get nervous then. Uncomfortably, constantly feel like you have to pee kind of nervous. We drove the twenty minutes to the doctor’s office (during the drive, the song that I listened to on the way to my mammogram last year randomly came up on my iPod, we both superstitiously reached over to change it to a new song as fast as we could - spooky), and I filled out all the paperwork and gave my co-pay and waited in the lobby. I brought a book on chanting with me in hopes that I would find it soothing. I did.

After I was all checked in, I had to walk across the hall to the imaging center. Everything in there was pink. I bought $5 worth of pink ribbon temporary tattoos. I’ll wear some of course, but I wanted to have some to give out to my friends too.

Getting the mammogram was as uncomfortable as I anticipated. The breast that was radiated is sensitive (my surgeon says that it will always be that way) so smushing it was pretty unpleasant. Clearly, I’ve been through worse though! The lady who took the films was really terrific and the one time that I said it really was too uncomfortable, she made adjustments that made it much easier to tolerate.

The hardest part was sitting alone in the little waiting room with my exam gown still on waiting for them to check the films. That about had me on the ceiling. My purse and stuff was all locked up in a little locker, so I had nothing to do but thumb through the pile of magazines and breast cancer support literature. Ugh.

Then they led me back to my surgeon’s office for my exam and results (yes they read the results right away – I’m so relieved that I didn’t have to wait for days). The mammogram looked GREAT, my breast exam was also great! She does not want to see me for another year! I still have to see chemo guy every three months because someone needs to keep an eye on me, but I don’t need another mammogram for a year.

I’m so relieved that I want to dance around, drink some wine and take a nap all at the same time.

Anniversaries

2008-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

I was diagnosed last year, on May 4. I celebrated Mother's Day in a fog of fear since I was having a lumpectomy the next day. By the end of the month, I had a portacath installed and had my first chemo scheduled.

So, I am a year away from the start of going through breast cancer.

What does it feel like? Well, mentally, I still think of it often. Daily. Probably many times a day. When I think of it, I usually start with a mental wince and I begin to remember just how scary and miserable it was. I'm not happy with my attitude though, so I try to pretty quickly take control of my thoughts and steer them toward gratitude for the treatments that saved my life, and a feeling of victory since I faced all that and I'm still here. But it is hard, it takes mental discipline on my part to concentrate on the positives. I wish I was better at that. I think it would be more healthy for me if my memories of it were fiesty, or grateful, not sad and scared.

Physically, I still have a fair amount going on. My legs bruise very easily. I pretty much have a bruise or two all the time. My legs also hurt. Tamoxifen can cause you to retain water and I'm guessing that is the problem because my legs often feel "inflated" and like the skin is going to split. It is a very uncomfortable sensation. There are times when I can't sit still because of it.

I have put on 10 pounds. I have confidence that I will either lose it, or accept it, one or the other. But for now it is an annoying reality because my clothes don't fit right and I feel pudgy.

I still have hot and cold flashes. Often. This week, I was training in a very hot classroom in a hospital in Montreal. So hot that on the coolest day, the chocolate bar that was on my desk was completely liquified by 10 in the morning. When I hot flashed, I pretty much felt like a Phoenix - I was going up in flames for sure. It is also difficult to be in front of a class, thinking on your feet, responding to questions and ideas, talking and teaching for hours while you break into a wave of sweat from time to time. It is distracting, exasperating and embarrassing.

They still wake me up too. While I am undoubtedly sleeping much better than I was at this time last year, I still wake up many times a night. Usually due to either a hot flash or a cold flash.

I think my continued physical discomfort and lack of sleep it also a contributing factor to the darkness of my attitude. I am not the sunny person that I was before this. I don't break into song and dance like I once did, I don't joke and laugh as much. On the upside, I also don't get as worried about many things. I used to be afraid to fly. Now I'm not. Compared to what I've been through, getting on a plane is a piece of cake. I used to get very nervous before a class that I was going to teach and before big projects. Now I don't. I just show up and do what I'm supposed to do - I don't waste mental energy worrying about it before hand.

I have a big milestone coming up. My first post treatment mammogram. I am unsuccessfully trying not to dread it. I dread it for the obvious reason - what a reminder and what if they find something? But I'm also dreading it because the affected breast is still tender. The thought of squishing it between two sheets of glass literally makes me feel ill.

My portacath scar is still very evident. Many of my tops and dresses show it. I don't make any effort to hide it. It has not faded much yet - my other scars look much less obvious. I didn't have my portacath removed until late October, so I'm sure this scar will fade and become less noticeable in time too. I try to see it as a badge of courage, or a milestone, much like the scar my mother had at the base of her throat from having a thyroid tumor removed. But mostly, I have to admit, I still see it as a grim reminder.

My hair is about three inches long. It looks shorter, of course because it is still so curly. The curl is starting to relax some. My hair is also much darker than it used to be. I am letting it grow out, and I'm very interested to see what it does as it gets longer.

I am starting to be able to dance much like I used to. I went to the last Second Saturday dance and danced all but one dance, and I only missed that one because I volunteered to work the cash box at the door. I danced for pretty much three hours straight at high intensity. I kept up with everyone - mentally in terms of being able to remember the combinations for each dance, and physically. That was wonderful!

So, yes, I have much to celebrate since a year has come and gone. The problem is that I just can't feel like celebrating.

I've heard that Tamoxifen can affect your mood and I need to take this stuff for 4 more years. I am trying to be understanding and patient with myself.

Sometimes, I am truly tempted to stop taking it. I have to remind myself that I went through the hell of chemo for only a 4% increase in my survival chances. Tamoxifen increases my chances by more like 4o%. So while it is difficult, uncomfortable and long term, it is still worth it.

Spring Brake

2008-04-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

No, that’s not a typo. I called it “Spring Brake” because I don’t seem to have enough sense to step on the brakes when I should!

Here is how I spent the last week or so.

Friday – brutal day at work, arrived home exhausted and dispirited. Since it was the first day of our big annual dance weekend (that’s the Pig Town Fling), we dragged and I do mean dragged ourselves out to dance. My husband danced the whole time. I danced something like every other dance, worked the registration table, and helped out in the kitchen. I probably danced for about two hours.

Saturday – I went to the creative contra workshop. Danced at that for an hour or two. We did something called a “Sicilian Circle”. For that dance, you were still in groups of two couples, but all of us also formed a huge circle instead of the lines that we usually dance in. The dance did a lot of weaving around the circle and it was a blast.

I tried to check out another workshop, but it was up five flights of steps. By the time I was on the fourth flight, I just could not go any further, so I went home for a rest and my husband did the clogging workshop.

We headed back out for the dance floor at 8. The band for Saturday and Sunday was a local one, Brittany Bay. Some of my friends play in it. They were terrific. One of the keys to a good contra dance band is that they know to start out relatively quiet and slow until the dancers have done the combination about three times, then they kick up the speed and volume and add percussion. You can hear dancers whooping up and down the line when they kick up the pace.

We danced til midnight or so, then went to the after party and ate and danced until 2 a.m. One of the dancers (she is also a fabulous caller) holds this event at her three story house in the gaslight district of Clifton. The house has such gorgeous wood floors, original stained glass lights and built in shelves. The third floor is not furnished, so she uses it as a dance floor. What a marvelous thing to have your own dance floor so you can have a couple hundred friends over! The floor was not that large, I’d say only about twenty people danced at any one time, but her house was full to the rafters since so many people came. I had no idea how tired I was until I looked at my watch and realized it was the wee hours. Then I just pooped out and we went home. I had to take a Tylenol PM to sleep, since it hurt even to lay down.

Sunday – Danced from noon until three, then attended the after dinner because they needed to crown my husband and I “King and Queen Pig” meaning that we are the coordinators for next year’s event. It’s a big job, but it does come with a tiara. Seriously, I have a tiara with cloth pink ears sewn on it!

This annual three day dance weekend is attended by around 450 dancers. I’m pretty happy that I can do this to contribute to our dance community. I NEVER would have guessed that I would feel up to the challenge so soon!

The dinner was held at Pompilio’s. It’s an Italian restaurant that has been here since the 30’s and it was in the film “Rainman”. There were enough of us that we took up a whole room there, and I really enjoyed having dinner with my friends that I usually only see at a dance. I loved looking out along the tables and seeing so many people that I enjoy, and having time to converse with everyone since there is sometimes very little time to catch up with each other while we are dancing. It was also nice that they invited my kids to attend, so my kids had some time to mix with my friends too.

One of the dancers wore a pedometer for the weekend and clocked more than 20 miles on it.

Monday – ran errands. Went to regular Monday night dance. It was pretty funny. We were all shuffling around like zombies.

Tuesday – drove out to Asheville, NC for spring break. I used the GPS navigation system in my car for the first time and it worked great. We stayed a few days and didn’t pull a map out once. It found every attraction, hotel, and restaurant that we wanted to get to. We used AAA books to pick our restaurants and we were impressed with pretty much every place that we ate.

Wednesday – Hiked Chimney Rock park for 5 hours. Here is where I was just plain stupid. I had been there before and only done the lower trails which are quite easy. Well, this time, we hiked the skyline trail. Lots and lots of vertical, lots and lots of steps. There is an easier way down from it, the cliff trail, but that was closed for the winter. So I spent an hour or so doing all that climbing, then I had to go back the same way for another hour or so. I was quite shaky by the time we finished. We did the lower trail too. By that night, I was in so much pain from sore muscles that I could not sleep. The weather was perfect by the way, we were hiking in shorts and t-shirts! That was a real pleasure since it is still too cold to do that at home.

Thursday – Toured the Biltmore house and gardens. More steps, about 4 hours of walking. I only limped a little. I really love that place. Touring the house is fun, but my true love will always be the gardens and the garden shop. I bought a nice sun hat while we were there this time. My husband bought me an “Extreme Badger” set of Badger Balms. I have been rubbing the Sore Muscle Rub into my legs for days now. I can’t be sure if it helped or not, but at least I felt like I was trying to do something about it.

The tulips were not in full bloom, but they were up enough that we could see their colors. It was raining so we spend most of our garden time indoors in the Conservatory. You gotta love seeing a green house that is bigger than my entire house! I could spend hours in there.

Then we went to the contra dance held that the local college. The average age of the dancers was probably 19. It was like dancing with Mexican jumping beans, these guys were so full of energy. The band was flat out fabulous. I dance about every other dance.

We also went to the Grove Arcade. A fabulous building that was built to be a shopping arcade. The architecture was beautiful. Now they have shops, offices and housing there. I day dreamed about living there. They had some great shops. There was a yarn shop, so I got some mohair yarn to make a wrap for myself. That will be the first project that I’ve done that I get to keep. I haven’t started on it yet, but the yarn is in a bag by my bed, just reminding me to get to it. There was also a shop called Bath Junkie. My husband got a very nice scrub there, and I got a thing or two as well. They gave my youngest son a small yellow rubber ducky on a surfboard while we were there and he want totally enchanted since he collects rubber duckies. When I was going through all my treatments last summer, he lined up a good thirty ducks on a bookshelf in my bedroom so they could keep me company. We also bought a big bag of books at the local bookstore, Malaprops. What a great place! They had an extensive selection of books of local interest, so I got a biography of Consuelo and Alva Vanderbilt. I also got a signed hard cover edition of Neil Gaiman’s “StarDust”. I collect signed books. I usually stand in line and meet the author, but this time I was willing to buy it already signed.

Friday – Farmer’s market and the drive home. At the Farmer’s market, we kept seeing leafy bunches of something called “Ramps”. I finally asked what they were. The lady said they are wild garlic and they are the first signs of spring for local cooks. So we bought a bunch and I roasted them with fingerling potatoes and pearl onions. I still have a few left. Gotta find something to do with those. They had a milder taste then I expected. A milder form of green onion is the best way I can describe it. They are very fragrant, so I expected them to taste much stronger than they do.

I drove about half of the way home and the hardest part was that my leg muscles were so sore to the touch that I could not stand it when the back of my calves would rub against the seat. It’s a good kind of pain though, it reminds me of all the fun I had getting to this point, and it reminds me that I am finally once again physically active and doing everything that I want to do.

We all hated to leave. The kids had a great time. My husband really enjoyed the atmosphere there, and I just did not want to go indoors. The weather was great and spring is in full swing there. I saw so many redbuds, pears, forsythia, and cherry trees in bloom. Of course there were scores of daffodils too. The restaurants were spectacular (our favorite was the Early Girl café), every place we went served organic and vegetarian, if not vegan items. Even the two Japanese restaurants that we went to had a ton of vegetarian choices. There is art everywhere. Plenty of public sculptures, galleries, pictures for sale on the walls of restaurants. Tons of music and dancing events. It has a thriving college town atmosphere that often reminded me a little of Italy and Laguna Beach.

Saturday – ran errands, did chores.

Sunday – spent over TEN HOURS in the garden. My friend from work came down and worked with me. We edged beds, mulched, preened, fertilized, trimmed… did almost all of the chores to get the garden ready for summer. I have a technicolor bump on my knee from when the wheelbarrow brazenly attacked me. (That may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I set the fully loaded wheelbarrow sideways. On an incline. Huh.) I could see how the plants thrived where my brother installed the drip irrigation system. We had a horrible, prolonged drought last summer, but thanks to my brother, most of my plants thrived. The knock out roses should be spectacular this year. I still have about twenty hours of work left, so my friend will come out for another day before the end of the month so we can finish up. I have trays of seedlings downstairs under a grow light in the basement, and I can hear birdsong when I wake up in the morning so all is right with the world!!

My husband was not feeling well, so he was not out in the garden much, but he did prepare an amazing feast for us. We had lasagna, sauted mushrooms, cauliflower, asparagus, a spectacular salad, chianti, garlic bread, so much great food that it took two plates just to get a single serving of everything. That's a wonderful thing to sit down to after you have been working so hard outside all day. My husband did not feel good enough to eat with us, that was the only downside.

Monday – went to work. Had about 200 e-mails to plow through. It was like moving through molasses since I was so tired. I had logged in and done e-mail a couple of times during vacation just to try to keep that number down. Oof.

Tuesday – Hardly sore at all any more. It amazes me how quickly our bodies can recover. I’m still fairly exhausted, but I’m so happy that I can hardly tell I’m still tired.

I also finished up a huge presentation that I was preparing for our annual User’s Group. It was due by end of the day, and I turned it in around 4 – just under the wire. It felt very good to finally be done with it. Well, as done as I can be for now. I’m sure the committee will recommend some changes, and I still need to add my own talking point notes and do a dry run or two, but I’ve got the majority of the hard work done on it at least.

Since it was a beautiful day and we all knew that rain is in the forecast for the rest of the week, I also had lunch outside with a friend, and we took a walk around the park afterward. That chance to be outside and enjoy a good meal and time with my friend pretty much made my day.

My new extra wide monitor (22”) was delivered and IT says they are currently loading software on my new laptop. I don’t have any time right now to work on that, so the monitor is just sitting on a corner of my desk for now, but I can’t wait to get to it. The new equipment will save me literally days of time when I start my next writing project which is looming on the horizon since we have a new software release coming out soon.

So, if you have stumbled upon my blog because you are going through cancer treatments, take heart! You will feel good again, maybe even faster than you think you possibly could. You will take joy in the things that delight you, you will have the energy and the will to fling yourself fully back into your life and you may find yourself having deeper relationship with yourself, the world and all the people who stood by you through the hard times.

More Info on Genetic Testing

2008-03-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I had the interview appointment.

I am still waiting for the letter that will tell me what the computer model says is the percentage of probability that my test could come back positive.

I heard from the testing company after they checked my insurance benefits.

The test is $3750. My insurance does cover it, but since I have not paid my deductible yet this year, it would still cost me around $700 out of pocket. If I had done it last year when my deductible had been met many times over, it would have only cost me $200.

But that doesn't really matter. If I was convinced that I needed the test, of course I would do it. Regardless of the cost. They even take payments with no interest.

So I know that while I grouse about the cost of it, that is not my real objection.

I am seriously considering not doing it because I believe the probablity that I have the mutation is very low, and if I did have it, I would not want that information on my health insurance files for the rest of my life.

I am also standing up and saying "enough". Enough tests. Enough doctor's appointments. Enough statistics that are talking about my life span. Enough doing things based out of fear. I have made the best choices that I could with every treatment option that has been offered to me. And so far, my choices have been on the conservative side.

But this time, I'm voting for taking my chances.

Genetic Counseling Appointment

2008-03-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

I've got an appointment for this Wednesday.

No point in waiting any longer since I know I need to do it.

I'm not going to worry until I have a reason to, but even just scheduling the appointment had that same surreal feeling that scheduling appointments for biopsies, surgeries, and chemotherapies had.

Oncologist Follow Up - Genetic Testing

2008-03-07T05:39:00.000-08:00

I had another routine follow up with my oncologist yesterday.

I'm having a few side effects from the Tamoxifen. I get bruising on my legs and sometimes my knees swell up after I go dancing. He wasn't surprised and said they should not get any worse. I'm telling myself that those symptoms are a good sign since that means the drug is working. If it is doing a couple of annoying things, well then it is busy doing the good stuff too.

Then we talked about genetic testing. He recommends that I do it. I agree. Since I am this young and my Mom did have breast cancer, it is better to be safe than sorry.

But! That does not make it any easier to hear or to go through.

Of course, I realize that if I do have that mutation, I need to know. I need to know for me, I need to know for all the other women in my fam.

But, I really don't need another white knuckler now do I?

I'll go through the anxiety of the interview. Then, if I do need the test, the long wait for results. If I'm off the hook after all that, that's awesome. If it came back positive, that's a nightmare. A good nightmare in a way because there is a lot of preventative stuff I can do, but that preventative stuff is surgical. More surgeries, more recovery. I really can't bare to think about that.

A Nod to Proust

2008-03-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ever have a food really remind you of someone?

But you forgot that it reminded you?

Here's what I mean. While I was on that de-tox diet, the very first day I was strapped for breakfast options, so I ended up in an unfamiliar section of an unfamiliar grocery store. While looking for organic oatmeal, I found Malt O Meal. I could not have it right away, but I bought some out of nostaligia and put it in the pantry.

A week or so ago, I had an unexpected work from home day due to snow and ice. So I was up and ready to go at six, but I didn't need to get he kids up or commute, so I had time to think about having a hot breakfast. So I made the Malt O Meal. My mom used to make it for me all the time when I was little. She made the chocolate flavor and served it with a dribble of milk on top and some raisins. I loved the stuff. I had forgotten all about it til I saw some sitting on the store shelf.

When I was making it, I learned that you have to slowly stir the mix into the boiling water so you don't make lumps, and you have to stir constantly for 2 and a half minutes while it cooks. As I stood over the stove making it, I got such strong memories of my mom that I could almost see her, standing at the stove in the house I was raised in, while I sat in a chair, feet dangling, knees scabby, wearing my dreaded catholic school girl uniform, bobby socks and Vans tennis shoes, waiting for the hot breakfast that she made before she sent me off to school.

A lot of foods remind me of people in my life. Campbell's chicken noodle soup reminds me of my mom, so does shrimp, peanuts (two of her favorite foods ever, put them together in something like Kung Pao shrimp and she was in heaven) coffee, iced tea, chocolate. Brandy Alexanders since she insisted on buying me one with every meal (yes even breakfast) on the day I turned 21.

Matzo ball soup reminds me of her and my brother. The first time I ever had matzo ball soup, I was around 11 or so, and my brother took us all to a restaurant in L.A. called "The Eater's Digest". I remember the name because my mom loved Reader's Digest and I have a life long affection for puns. I thought Matzo ball soup was amazing and I could not believe I had lived so many years without knowing about it. So that's why I can't have some without thinking of my brother. It reminds me of my mom because we had a deli by our house (Benji's - how I hope it is still there. I would lose some of my faith in all that is right and holy if it ever closed), and we often went there since I loved it so much. My idea of the perfect meal then was the large bowl (TWO matzo balls) with those skinny egg noodles, rye bread with butter and kosher dill pickles. That's just how they served it. You ordered the soup the rye bread and pickles just showed up.

Bagels, falafel, and Haagen Dazs reminds me of my brother too. He bought me my first (well, after I raved about the first one, he bought a whole grocery bag full to bring home) bagel. I was probably a young teen by then. I remember thinking "how could I not know about these little wonders?". Snickerdoodles remind me of his first wife, she made them one day, and I ate the entire container that she was saving for a church gathering. Ooops. Shredded carrots remind me of her too. I ate at their house one evening and she made a variety of side dishes. She liked to cook and she made things that were more elaborate than I was used to. One of the side dishes was pretty much pureed and seasoned carrots. I remember thinking what a boat load of work that had to be, a lot of torture to put a carrot through so you can end up with orange paste. It was good, but didn't seem worth the effort to me.

My brother also took me to Westwood and introduced me to falafel, Haagen Dasz and not on the same trip, the first Star Wars movie. We waited in line for hours to see it.

Pupu platter will always remind me of my eldest son, steak in any form of my youngest. Hummus makes me think of my friends at work, yellow tomatoes make me think of my niece and my brother.

It's kind of like a bonus. You can enjoy whatever food you are eating, but at the same time you get a vivid reminder of so many people, and places and times.

So why the title of this post? Proust wrote this huge opus called "Remembrance of Things Past". It is one of my goals to read the whole thing some day. I have not even bought a copy yet, so I'm a little behind on that. Anyway, I've heard that at one point, he eats a Madeline (a pastry) and the first bite transports him so vividly back to his childhood that he spends pages and pages in revery.

I thought about this last night too. My husband and I went out to Cincinnati's only four stare restuarant, Pigall's. We were celebrating. Celebrating Valentine's Day and my birthday coming up and really I think just celebrating the chance to go out together and share our appreciation for food.

We used to eat at great and expensive (obviously a restaurant does not have to be expensive to be good, but it helps) restaurants all the time. But then we had kids! The very last time we ate at a French restaurant was when our first son was a newborn. Since then, there has been no time/money for that kind of meal. Our son is 17 now, so it sure has been a while.

The atmosphere and decor were OK, nothing spectacular. That's actually something I like about Cincinnati, they don't go for gaudy much around here. The food was spectacular. The experience of having some quiet time together to just enjoy the time and the food was wonderful. As we sat there though, I flashed on so much of our past together. The days before children when we travelled and had adventures and ate so many meals together. The next phase when the children got here and we shared worried looks over the tiny head of a feverish baby, confusion as we learned the hard way the difference between a great little league coach and a poor one, many meals that revolved around spaghetti or pizza, and how to make a pinewood derby car without accidentally chopping one of your own limbs off.

Now we are moving into a new phase where there is a little more time and money so we can weave in elements of our early life together while still enjoying all the stuff that the kids bring - a rousing game of Pokemon cards, teaching someone to drive, making a science fair project (he got second place in the Physics division by the way, so it is off to the district finals for us next week), learning about books, music, dances and slang that I would never know if it weren't for having them in my life.

I wonder some day what foods they will eat or songs they will hear that will make them think of us?

The Wonders of Not Commuting

2008-02-27T17:34:00.000-08:00

I worked from home today. The kids had a snow day, I had no meetings, and I have a cold. So I kept my germs to myself and worked from my bedroom.

The cool thing is that after working a nine hour day, I had time to get to my son's school to set up his science fair project (I was the taxi, he did the work of course). Boy that was fun. I loved looking at all the projects. My favorite explained that phosphorus is the stuff that glows in black light. They had a black light set up on a box with various objects in the box. Some glowed, some didn't. There was a bowl of detergent you could dip you hands in, then put your hands through holes in the box to see the glowy splashes where the detergent was on your hands. They also suggested that you put a $10 or $20 bill in to see the strip glow. Cool!

We went from there to the education store to get some division/multiplication supplies. I found flash cards in the form of wheels that have one side with the muliplication facts, the other side has division. I also got a book of exercises, and this neat tool that looks like a pile of big plastic keys with string. Each key represents one set, you know 1s, 2s, 3's. You start by putting the string through a groove for the first number, then go over the front to put the string through the groove for the answer. When you are all done, you flip it over and plastic guides show if your string ended up in the right place. I really like it!

Then we came home and I made dinner with the kids, we cleaned up the dishes and I was supposed to go to the belly dancing class that the city is offering. My friend that I wanted to go with didn't call me and I don't feel all that great, so I stayed home instead. My son and I did math exercises that used all of the tools that I bought. Then I took a bath (Eucalyptus to help my poor stuffy nose), finished an issue of Smithsonian, and had time to sit and watch Battlestar Galactica with the kids.

I had so much time!

Under the Weather

2008-02-27T04:00:00.000-08:00

We've had a lot of snow and ice over the last couple of weeks.

We had rain and snow yesterday, and a little more snow last night, so my kids have yet another snow day.

And I have a cold. The first time that I've been sick since last spring. I think that is a miracle. When I was going through treatments, I was still working and going into the office one or two days a week. I fully expected that some time during all that exhausted immune compromised time, I would catch something. Not so. Once again, I'm left feeling lucky.

And I'd much rather have a run of the mill cold than the flu that has been going around the office. I've been coming down with it since Saturday. It was only last night that I could tell it really is a cold and not just a temporary sore throat and congestion from teaching so much lately.

I've arranged for my son's driver's test to take place on the 4th. And yesterday I learned how to make my own ring tones for my phone from any MP3 file. A friend at work taught me how! It's fun! Good, clean, total geek ball fun.

I've lost a little weight too! Yeah!! That's pretty astonishing considering that I have not exercised (except for dancing) at all for weeks. It bugs me that I'm having trouble pulling that part of my life back together again.

I'm going downtown after work tomorrow with two of my friends. We are going to go do a little shopping (it is Saks beauty event time again), then go out to dinner. There is nothing like having some good friends who share your pathetic addictions! LOL

I'm starting to get pretty excited about my birthday coming up next week. I'm just looking forward to going out to eat, having cake, you know, just celebrating in general. I also think turning 45 is a respectable milestone, so is your first birthday after facing a health crisis. All good reasons to gather around all the people you love and make a big deal out of it!

Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you what a friend at work did for me on Monday. I had a meeting come up off site. It thought it was going to be an hour long. Wrong. It was two hours and it ran late. I finally had to leave since I had a webex to teach. So I ran into work, running late, knowing I had to prepare for the class and that I would have to skip lunch. I hate skipping lunch. I hate rushing. I hate feeling unprepared.

Well, when I got to my desk, my friend was standing there with a hot bowl of soup. She was sharing her lunch with me! She had chicken soup that her Mom had made. I had hummus to share too. And she had already done the preparation for the class for me! So all I had to do was slurp that soup, down in record time, gather my laptop and stuff and run to the class room. I ran into another friend on the way there, and he helped me carry all my stuff. I was still a total mess because I hate to be rushed like that for a class. I had the shakes pretty bad for the rest of the afternoon just from adrenaline (and maybe not enough calories). I wish I was one of those people who can just remain calm no matter what. I've really been working on that lately and so far, I gotta say, I have not seen any progress. Of course, maybe yelling at myself to relax doesn't help either! LOL

Wonderful Weekend

2008-02-24T13:10:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was the perfect day.

First I went to get a massage. The therapist that I see has all of her services listed on her website (www.nitarosemassage.com if you are curious). The week before my appointment, I go browse the site and pick one. I have been doing the Indian medicinal massages, but this time I was drawn to something called Lomi Lomi. It's Hawaiian and it sounded restorative.

Well, that was one of those lucky accidents, because just like the other things I have tried there, this was the right thing at the right time. Lomi Lomi is sacred massage to help you get through life transitions. It is ceremonial and designed to bless you and help you "die" to your past, and be "reborn" to face your future. If ever there was a time I needed to let go of the past this would be it. I spent the time there consciously letting go of myself as a sick person and letting go of myself as grieving friend. I think I really needed to do that. I think our society underestimates the power or ceremony and the power of deliberate intention, and I am so glad that I found a soothing, supportive ceremony to help me conciously move on.

So, that was my morning.

I got home in time to realize that my youngest was 15 minutes late to a lazer tag birthday party (ooops, I thought it was at 2:15, not 12:15). My husband and I raced to get him there. He got there in time for pizza, but missed one round of lazer tag. He was pretty upset about that until the hosts gave him some game tokens and he started winning lots of tickets.

So my husband and I left him there with his friends and we went to lunch just the two of us. We ended up at a little Greek place. We split a Greek salad with gyros (my husband it vegan so I got all the gyros), vegetable soup and fries. I ate a ton and was instantly sleepy. By the time we finished, it was time to pick our son up. After we got home, I took a nap! For two hours! A massage and a nap! Both in the same day! What could possibly make a day like that even better? Well, dancing of course.

So our oldest son drove us an hour and a half north for a dance to raise funds for the Tacumseh Land Trust. This was killing two birds with one stone. We wanted to go to the dance since it featured our favorite caller and one of our favorite bands, we haven't been to Yellow Springs in years, so we were looking forward to seeing how it has changed, and our son still needs a few more hours for his driving log so he can get his license. He drove the whole way and back, so he only needs a few more minutes today and he is done with his log! Yeah! We started teaching him to drive when I was still doing chemo and trying to get his hours in was like moving through molasses. I thought we would never get it done! Ah, it feels so good to make progress on this! Now I just need make the call to his driving school next week to get him scheduled to take his driver's test.

The other benefits of going to that particular dance were supporting the fund which preserves agricultural land and restores barns in Ohio, and the crowd. Quiet of few of the Cincinnati dance regulars were there, but of the 150 or so who showed up, I would say more than half were first timers, many of them in their 60's and above. I made a point of asking the people who looked the most lost to dance so I could teach them the moves. One man had to be in his 80's and he was having so much fun! His face just lit up and when we spun he would say "wheee!". As I went up and down the line, I kept running into people who were saying "wow, this is fun!". So that really made the trip worthwhile.

Today, my knees are a bit sore (gymnasium floor, not hardwood, and I haven't been dancing much so I'm out of practice) and I have a sore throat and some congestion from teaching so much last week. I'm taking little rests in between doing chores.

We have had snow today and for a little while we had my favorite snow in the world. Here are my rules for the best snow:

We all have to be home
I have to be in bed under a comforter, looking out my bedroom window into the back yard
The flakes have to be big, fat, and fluffy and drifting down in the lazy, whirly style that I call "snow globing".

One other good thing. My memory is coming back more and more. I still pause a lot when I talk (especially if I'm tired) because I'm searching for the right word. Probably a good thing really since I used to talk pretty rapid fire and this has forced me to slow down. But just today, I was able to remember the name (names have been particularly difficult for me to recall) of a man that I worked with 6 years ago and the name of his wife. I was also able to remember which cookbook had my favorite recipe for Garlic Broth. This is a wonderful soup that I enjoy anyway, but I also use medicinally. All that garlic just has to be restorative, I figure.

The funny thing about that recipe is that I started to think I should go looking for it this week, then today I get an e-mail from a dear friend asking if I happen to remember that recipe since she wants to make it for her sick daughter. I went straight to the right cookbook. Yeah!!

I recently read Stephen King's new book, Duma Key. I won't give the whole story away here, but the protagonist of the story has an accident that affects his ability to recall. Stephen King did a great job of describing how scary and frustrating it is to have your mind not work the way that is used to. I really enjoyed reading it. I took some comfort in seeing someone else struggle with something that I'm experiencing too. And like the bladder infection in the "Green Mile" story, this character's physical condition is so much a part of the story that it really is another character. That is one of the reasons that I keep reading Stephen King even though I'm not really into horror, he is one amazing story teller and he really has a gift for making believable and memorable characters. By the way, his wife is an excellent story teller too. If you ever get the chance, read "Pearl" by Tabitha King.

She Works Hard For the Money (apologies to Donna Summer)

2008-02-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I have to say that it is still hard. Not impossible, but hard.

The real world wants me back at 150%. I'm still at about 80%.

The kids need me for science fair projects, birthday parties, rides to activities, and oh yah, three meals a day.

My work has returned to the usual complete frenzy. I have classes to teach, books to write (each with a deadline looming), new features to learn for our latest release, a difficult presentation to prepare for our user's group meeting in May, and up to 10 hours of meetings a week regarding software development projects. While it is great to be back in the thick of things, to be needed, to be productive, the daunting hours, long commute and sheer volume of work are overwhelming. Add that to losing Mike. Geez the last five weeks or so have been brutal.

Not to mention the weather this week. We had snow and ice earlier in the week, and last night I had a two and a half hour journey home through heavy snow and ice. My car was encased in a sheath of ice by the time I pulled into the garage and my windshield wipers could not reach the glass any more since they were both totally coated in their own blocks of ice. Considering how bad the roads were, I am amazed I got home that quickly. Trips like that have taken me over four hours in the past. The new car got me home safe (handles great in the snow and ice, God Bless front wheel drive!) and my new direct iPod connection was just perfect. Having good tunes made the trip go by fast. I also had a lot of friends and family call. We were all checking on each other to make sure we all got home safe. Everyone did.

What I do it the best I can. I take it day by day. I try to balance my physical needs with my work and family obligations. I'm not sure I'm doing the best at that. I can't remember the last time I worked out. I do have a massage tomorrow and I do still see my healer every month. I dropped acupuncture. No time for it, and the need to save some money somewhere.

To try to drink enough water, I kept a big bottle of Pellegrino next to me each day in class and I made sure it was empty before I went home. That was 25 ounces a day anyway. And it reminded me of Italy which was a bonus. I bought a case at Costco and kept it in the trunk. Made me laugh after there were only a few bottles left in the box. If I hit the brakes, there would be clinking in the truck and it sounded like I had booze back there!

I sleep better than before. I'd say I get two or three good nights a week now. The rest are spent tossing, turning and hot flashing, but at least I get a few good nights in. Sometimes I can even sleep in until after 8 on the weekends. I love it when I wake up late!

Yes, I still hot flash. Less often and less severely than I used to, but I'd say it probably still happens at least 10 times over a 24 hour day. For some reason, it happens a lot as I am starting to fall asleep, and that is one of the reasons why I have trouble sleeping, just when I start to nod, I feel like I'm in an oven.

My energy level is getting so much better now. I made it through working close to 50 hours this week, plus 10 hours or so of commute, plus making dinner and doing dishes by hand every night. Did I tell you? My brand new ultra expensive LG dishwasher broke!! I paid almost a grand for it, got it delivered in late August and it has not worked for WEEKS. It took weeks to get the service guy out. Once he finally did come, he said it had a bad motor. It took another full week to get the part. Now they are supposed to come and repair it next Tuesday. If that repair does the trick, we will have been living without a dishwasher for a solid month. Ridiculous. Learn from me. Don't buy LG, and do buy an extended warranty/service contract for whatever you buy. If I had, H.H. Gregg would have fixed the damn thing by now. Since I didn't I had to go through the manufacturer. They are making the repairs for free, yes, but clearly not in any kind of hurry.

My husband is exhausted too. He is traveling a ton. And when he is home he knocks himself out cooking, grocery shopping and doing laundry so I don't have to do those things on top of everything else.

Still even though I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, when I get a moment to have a little perspective I'm amazed at how far I have come. My last chemo was in August, last radiation in late October. By February I feel much more normal, I can pretty much do anything I want to or need to do, and I act, feel and look so much more like my old self. That's a long way to come in a fairly short time.

My hair is still crazy wacked funky kind of short and curly. Not what I'd pick if I had a choice, but I'm so grateful to have hair that nothing could make me complain.

The sales guy at H.H. Gregg even said he loves short hair on older women. I was cracking up inside because I'm pretty sure he thought he was flirting. If you want to make points, or give a compliment, my advice would be to avoid the phrase "older women" for starts! LOL

Classy Workplace

2008-02-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

I was really proud of how my company handled Mike's death. They did so many things right and with dignity.

First, they told each of us in person, an e-mail about it did not go out until each of us had heard it from the Vice President of our division. It had to be hard for him to tell so many people, but he stuck with it and did the right thing.

Next, they cleaned out his cube the next day at 6:30 in the morning so none of us would see them carting his stuff out. I have to admit this was a little disturbing since the next day when we walked in it was like he was never there, but I appreciate what they were trying to do which is not make all of us watch them pack up his stuff.

Our Vice President, almost all of the company's directors from all the divisions and our second highest officer all came to the visitation. I had the opportunity to meet Mike's Mom and she was very touched by how many of Mike's colleagues came. She felt he was really loved and appreciated and she was right.

I could not attend the funeral since I had customers in from Texas for a four day class. That really bothered me. I felt the funeral should take priority over business. But I know that everyone who could attend did.

Next, the company offered grief counseling. I could not attend since I was teaching, but they did offer it and they made sure that I got the handouts when I requested a copy.

Next they sent out an e-mail to our entire customer base. The e-mail explained that Mike had died, gave him glowing praise and asked any customers that had open projects with him contact us so we can make sure nothing gets overlooked.

I am so proud! Management and everyone else went out of their way to handle it with grace and did not flinch from openly showing their appreciation for Mike and their grief at his passing.

Lost a Friend

2008-02-15T00:55:00.000-08:00

It is 4 in the morning and I am WIDE awake.

Today at work I got called into my Vice President's office.

I could tell when I walked in that something was seriously wrong.

He had to tell me that one of my colleagues died suddenly last night. I completely fell apart. I was shaking and crying. I had a few minutes to hug some friends, then I had to go to meetings, I had to call my team members who were traveling and tell them, and I had to teach an afternoon class. I guess I'm grateful that I had some distractions, but it was so surreal and I kept feeling like I really could not go on, thinking about work things, doing my job, taking care of a client. But I did somehow.

What a shock. His name was Mike. I've worked with him for four years, sat in the cube next to him for two. He was young (mid thirties at most), and one of the wonderful people. Kind, thoughful, smart. A joy to be around, and someone that I truly admired.

I am so sad. Horrified. And oh, I'm angry. This just should not happen. He should have had so much more time. It should not be so quick and easy to lose a whole person. Damn.

I've been through a lot of sorrow and loss lately. You'd think I'd get a little better at it. So far I've seen no evidence that it ever gets easier. I guess maybe it shouldn't.

I called some friends tonight just to hear their voices. I splurged and took the kids to our favorite Japanese restaurant. It's on the expensive side, so we don't go there as often as we would all like. After that I came home, crawled into the tub and downed a lemoncello. I've come to understand the medicinal value of alcohol. Another friend from work was at his house doing the same (uh, drinking, not bathing, as far as I know anyway!), so we texted back and forth for a while just to keep each other company.

Also, when I first came home, my older son had a red carnation for me. There are few things sweeter than one of your kids handing you a flower on Valentine's Day. And my younger one wanted to give me something, so he fed me a piece of pepperoni while I was talking on the phone. Funny the things we do when we want to take care of each other. I don't know why it was important to him to feed me that one piece of pepperoni, but it was, so of course I ate it.

I had e-mailed my huband, and he called me from Finland when he woke up to start his long journey home. I'm very glad he is on his way home and that it is almost the weekend. I really want to just hunker down and be with my family.

Facing Your Annual Review When You've Had Cancer

2008-02-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm all done with de-tox. I made it the full 10 days. It was both harder and easier than I expected. I was pretty sick of it by the end, and tired of eating mostly cold foods when it is cold outside. I think it would be much easier to follow in summer time when it is warm out and there are more fruits and veggies to chose from. A ton of nectarines, cherries and apricots would make the diet far more palatable. I am having trouble even facing a banana at this point since I came close to living on the darn things.

I did a little splurging on my first day back to regular eating. I got shredded pork on my Qdoba. Normally, you could not get me to order that - but I sure wanted it this time. I wanted to feel like I had a basketball in my stomach! I ate it all, I was stuffed, and I still ate a chocolate just because I could.

I plan to do it every six months or so. Maybe. We'll just have to see if I stick to that. Uh. I can already feel myself waffling.

I have been in the usual whirlwind. Husband out of the country, youngest son's 11th birthday party, also his science fair project (affect of weight on flight distance) which we finished just under the wire this evening. The photo lady at Walgreens does not know this, but I would have given her ANYTHING to print my three lousy pictures that we needed to finish up his board while I waited. She did it without my having to resort to bribing, pleading, or threatening to set myself on fire right there in front of the photo counter.

I have also been completely, mercilessly slammed at work. All of the others in my department have been traveling, so I am here keeping the home fires burning, attending every meeting, working on every project, answering every customer or internal inquiry. I am worn out.

It is also review time at work. This is ordinarily nerve wracking. It is not easy to stand and be judged even in the best of times. One year, I had a peer put a lot of effort into giving me a terrible review. Fortunately, my boss completely disregarded that feedback and focused on all the other reports which were positive. I am so grateful that she did that, but all the negative stuff still stung. And every year when I go through the process again, I wince and prepare to get reviewed by some other peer who clearly has a problem with me.

Anyway, this year was even more anxiety provoking than years past because of going through cancer and treatments. Yes, it is true that I worked like crazy even during the worst of it. Yes, it is true that I honestly did my best at all times. But if anyone wanted to get mean about it, they could easily mention how little I was in the office, or anything that I might have missed while suffering from exhaustion and chemo brain.

Clearly, I should have been more trusting that the folks I work with were rooting for me, understanding what I was up against, and appreciating all that I did do because I got my review documents this evening and they were glowing.

I am so relieved.

It is very hard to have cancer. It is very hard to go through the treatments. Everyone knows that. What I don't hear people talking about much is how hard it is to be a mother, an employee, a friend, a sibling, a spouse, all the other things you need to be while you go through it. How are you supposed to be a good employee while suffering that much? Where was I supposed to look for a model of how to do this?

So many things were impacted by my illness. I had the worst time facing this review from that perspective. I didn't know how to rate myself (do I do it considering my circumstances and make myself sound super heroic, or am I supposed to measure myself against my usual goals and productivity in which case I missed the mark?) Do I mention it? Is it professional to talk about such a thing on a review document that goes in your file? Crap! I don't know.

In the end, I did not mention it. But my supervisor did and so did all the peers that reviewed me. They did it in a kind and understanding way and they made me feel very appreciated.

Imagine that! The last thing I expected to feel when I reflect back on those hard months is appreciated by my colleagues. Oh, I felt supported all right, a ton of people were so kind. But appreciated for my contributions whatever they were? Nope, wasn't expecting that.

Detox - Day Two

2008-02-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well, another day down.

Last night, I had vegetable soup, brown rice and stir fried broccoli. It was plenty of food and I ate until I didn't want any more. Wierdest thing though - about ten minutes after I finished - I was starving! I was hungrier after I ate than I was before I had dinner. It passed in about 15 minutes.

This morning I had oatmeal, almonds and blueberries for breakfast. That's what I usually have, only difference now is that it all is organic.

Lunch was cold salad and sushi at Wild Oats (veggie rolls, no fish). Once again, a few minutes after I finished, I was starving. It passed in about 10 minutes this time. Wild Oats had tons and tons of samples out to get people to buy stuff for Super Bowl Sunday. I didn't find it hard to pass all the samples up. Considering that I all but dove into a vat of buffalo chicken dip this time last year, I guess that is quite an improvement! LOL

Then I had my second smoothie for afternoon snack. After that one, I just could not warm up. I guess that would be my biggest complaint so far - I'm tired of so much cold food.

I still have passing headaches, but otherwise, I feel same as ever.

Camp Detox - Day One

2008-02-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today is my first day on a ten day detox diet.

My chiropractor recommended it. I see it as pressing a big old reset button for my battered liver, kidneys and immune system.

What is it?
Well, I went to orientation and got a tub o' powder and a bottle of supplements. I'm pretty much supposed to live on that and organic fruits, veggies, and brown rice for ten days.

How did I prepare?

A friend of mine bought one of these kits a while ago. Hers is called "The Detox Box". It comes with a booklet, flash cards and two CD's. I read the booklet and the cards and listened to both CD's. The first one gives compelling reasons to try this kind of thing, it was the best explanation of the theory behind it that I've heard. The second one walks you through recommended yoga and breathing. I see value to that, I just don't know how to consistantly make time for it. I'll try though. I didn't do the recommended yoga this morning, but there is still hope that I'll do the night time exercise.

I attended the orientation.

I read the booklet that came with my supplies.

I stopped drinking white tea, my only source of caffeine, at the beginning of this week. I eliminated white flour at the same time. I attempted to eradicate sugar until a guy at work started selling World's Finest chocolate bars for his daughter. What can I say? I ate a whole bar. I'm trying to regret it - but I just can't!

I made a trip to Kroger's late last night to stock up on organic stuff, distilled water, and epsom salts and backing soda for a bath that is recommended.

I made an emergency trip to Remke's this morning when I realized that I didn't have any organic breakfast options.

What was day one like?

Not bad.

This morning, I was in a rush and had little food available, so I had a banana and some organic roasted almonds. That kept me going until I got to the store.

For snack I had a shake with one scoop of the powder, some fiber stuff, water, a banana, and four different kinds of organic frozen berries. It was good.

I have been drinking tons of water.

I had mint tea twice.

I had a "patty" that my husband made me that was made of quinoa, black beans and pine nuts and a slice of some rice based fruit juice sweetened bread like product that I found in the frozen organics section of the store this morning for lunch.

For snack, it was back to a shake with the powder. I forgot to put the banana in. That was a mistake. Turns out that the banana is essential if you don't want to drink gritty fruit water.

In a few minutes, I'm going to go make a veggie soup and have that with brown rice for dinner.

I had a slight headache a couple of times today, and I noticed that I'm getting cold a little easier (not sure if that is due to the food or to the fact that it is ridiculously cold and windy out today).

Otherwise it has been easy. I don't feel hungry or deprived. I feel fine.

Life In The Fast Lane

2008-01-25T04:55:00.000-08:00

OK, I am so busy right now that I don't have time to post, to read, to crochet, to answer e-mails, or to rest, to dance, to work out, to think....

This week, I went back to training a four day class for the first time. The students were great, so it went well. But is was exhausting. I co-taught with my boss, so the most I trained was about half of any day. It was a funny week though. On Monday, I SLEPT IN!! I have never done that. Here I am finally teaching my first full class again, with my boss, and I show up late! Ugh!! I woke up at 7:45 and I was there by 9. Since I have a one hour commute, you can figure out how fast I showered and dressed. She was great about it, but I was horrified.

A typical training day goes like this:

leave home before 7 so I can get to work before 8
Get to work, make coffee, get the room ready, do e-mails until the class shows up at 8:30
Teach until break at 10
Go to the bathroom (finally) and do e-mail at break
Teach til noon
Eat lunch while doing e-mail or attending a meeting. Or if it is Wednesday, take the client out to lunch.
Train from 1 until 4:30
Dismiss clients for the day, then do more e-mail and meetings, or let class run late if we are behind.
I don't head home until after 6 or so, so I get home around 7 or 8

I made it through and held up pretty well. I did have problems with hot and cold flashes, but I just keep putting wraps and scarves on then taking them off. Other folks don't even notice. It does wear me down a little though since I am pretty much uncomfortable most of the time still. I was able to train and work all day then get home and do whatever I needed to, I didn't come home and go straight to bed once. I did slack off on Monday though. Instead of going to the contra dance, I snugged up with the kids and watched three episodes of the Harry Dresden Files. I didn't want to wear myself out early in the week, so I took it slow.

The class had fun points too. The group was very nice and we all shared stories and laughs. I must have told a story about our new espresso maker that we got for Christmas because the next thing I knew they were asking me to bring it in. So I did. That was fun. We all had a couple of espresso breaks that day. It made the classroom smell terrific and gave us all something new to enjoy. My eldest son was pretty upset about it though. He didn't have any problem with me leaving for the day, but saying goodbye to the espresso maker was breaking his heart! I'm pretty sure that neither of my kids could survive in the wild.

I also stayed up late Wednesday crocheting hats with my niece. We were up until past 11 because a friend at work asked me to make some for his friend who is facing breast cancer for the second time. She has already lost her hair, and my friend is only in town for the week, so I was in a rush to get some hats done fast. I was not very successful. I made a practice one of a yarn that is too rough for a baldie to wear, it looks great other than that though. Then I made a fun fur one, but I reduced the last couple of rows too tight, so it ended up too small for an adult! I'm pretty proud of it any way - it is my first try with the fun fur and it is recognizable as a hat - so hey, I'm proud of it. Fortunately, my niece made a nice pom pom one, and I went through my own hat box and found a couple more that I could give away, so I was able to bring in three new hats in for her.

Then last night, I went to a meeting at my chiropractor's to learn how to do a 10 day detox program. I picked up my tub of powder, a bottle of vitamins, and a brochure.

It looks pretty reasonable, you drink the powder and take the supplements, but you are also allowed to eat a long list of organic stuff, so it is not as harsh as the cleansing programs where you live of a powder or lemon juice for days.

I am supposed to do this for ten days. I leave for NY this afternoon, so I won't start it until I get back. I'm sure I'll post all about it once I get started. Prepare for some serious whining! LOL

So here is the exciting stuff - I am going to NY for a fun girl's weekend. The other two girls who train in my department are there training a class. When they realized they would have to be there late on Friday and not fly home until Saturday, they decided to stay over the weekend and see the town. Then they invited me! I'm really looking forward to it. I leave this afternoon, and I get back home on Sunday.

Then, I unexpectedly bought a new car last weekend! It's a 2004 Lexus ES330. It was such a great deal that I could not pass it up. We have been casually looking for a car for a month or so now but we weren't planning to buy until spring. As we were researching different models over the net, we pretty much decided on another used Avalon since I've been so happy with the one that I have now. But we started to see Lexus models that were in the same price range, so we researched those. We went to the local dealership just to drive one and see if we even liked them - well, we did and the price was right. So here I am driving a bling bling ride!

It is very cute. The paint is dark blue that looks black from a distance. It has slick features like a button that you push that elevates a sunshade for the back window, wipers that have a raindrop sensor so they can self adjust, and a navigation system (um, I really do need that. I get lost frequently and usually take ridiculously complicated routes everywhere since I am so navigationally impared - it drives my husband nuts and amuses my friends to no end). The only thing is does not have that I really want is a direct connection for my iPod. It has a six CD changer, so I'm "making do" with that! But what I liked the most about it was that it is very quiet and has a nice smooth ride. If you are looking for a new car and think you can't afford a Lexus, take a look at the used ones - you will be surpised!

I also got a massage last weekend to help me prepare for this rigorous week. I got the same auyervedic one (sorry I know I spelled that wrong, but I just can't motivate myself to look it up right now) and I tried something else too. Last time I did the sweat lodge tent thing. This time I tried this oil blessing ritual. I was on a massage table on these warm water bed kind of cushions, that alone was very nice. Then, the therapist put a metal bowl with a small hole in the bottom over my forehead. The warm, scented oil flowed onto my forehead and spilled over my hair where it was caught in a basin. I could hear a pump, so I'm guessing it went back up a little tube to the bowl so it could keep pouring. It sounded relaxing (and good for my hair) and it is supposed to help with cognitive functions, so I tried it. I really enjoyed it. It was blissfully relaxing.

Last Sunday, we went over to our dear friends' house for a fabulous feast (bbq shrimp, salad, quinoa salad, fruit salad, broiled talapia and more, I can't even remember all of it now), then we all settled into their basement to watch another episode of Star Wars. You might remember that while I was doing chemo, I would go to their hous the Sunday before a new treatment and we would watch one of the Star Wars films. Their eldest daughter had never seen them, so we are watching them in chronological order with her. This was so wonderful for me. The night before a treatment is a rough time. It is very hard to get your mind off what you are going to do the next day and how you are going to feel. But at their house, I would snuggle up in a comforter, surrounded by wonderful people, with a full tummy, and watch Star Wars for the first time through her daughter's eyes. It was magical then, and it is magical now. We still have two of the movies left to go.

Oh one last thing. Guess what I'm asking for for my birthday! A "gameboy for old people". A friend of mine got a DS Lite for Christmas and he loaded it with Brain Age games and this other game called Flash Focus (uh, I think that is what it was called. Hmmm. I better start doing those brain age games asap) that is supposed to help you improve your vision. So I want to get one and play the games to help me sharpen my focus, improve my memory and maybe avoid bifocals. Cracks me up that I seem to be making my way into the AARP demographic and they have video games just for us!

Signs of Progress

2008-01-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to sleep around midnight. That's pretty normal since last spring. Here's the cool part though, I didn't wake up at 4 - I woke up at 10!!! I missed most of the old folks show because I was ASLEEP! I haven't been able to sleep for more than six hours in months.

I also had a very busy week, though a short one due to the holiday. I stayed up late on New Year's and went dancing a bit.

Tuesday, I worked in my home office for about 7 hours straight on trying to close out the year and clean up my desk. I made a lot of progress, but somehow there are still piles on my desk and plenty more to work on this weekend - HOW does that happen? LOL

Wednesday I worked from home since we had enough snow on the ground to completely mess up the highways.

Thursday, I went into the office, worked a long day then went out for drinks (I tried a new trick. I didn't really want to drink, but I wanted to be polite. So I ordered a Pinot Grigio. I had the feeling that the wine at that bar would be awful - and it was. So I took a few sips, but really spent the whole time drinking my water, so if you are out with friends and don't really want to drink - try ordering a bad glass of wine!) for a friend's birthday and then shopping at Kenwood and Trader Joe's with a friend. (I went a little crazy at the Lush counter in Macy's - check them out at Lush.com - they have a store in Venice too which is the first time I saw their bubble bath offerings that look like some kid's playdough art project.)

Friday, back at the office for a long day, got home and went out to a local little bar because a friend of mine was the musical act and he needed some friends to come out and support him so he gets invited to play there again. That was fun. A couple of weeks ago, I sent him an e-mail recommending that he learn the Elton John song "Rocket Man". I never got a reply so I forgot about it. Well, he had learned it and he played it for me! I loved it. He plays guitar and has a great voice for ballads so that song was a great fit for him. It didn't take a lot of energy to just sit there and listen, but I can't remember a week where I would be up for even that by Friday night. I might have gone before, but I would not have enjoyed it, I would have just endured it.

Saturday, I went clothes shopping while the boys cooled their heals at Borders. I tried stuff on at J. Jill, Anne Taylor and Banana Republic. Not long ago, just two weeks ago, it would have been too much for me to walk to all three stores, and there is no way I could have gathered all the clothes that I did, or had the energy to try them all on. What I got out of that was a couple of amazing skirts that were on sale, one amazing skirt that wasn't and a terrific pair of jeans - and more important than that - I felt jubilent because I was doing all the things I wanted to do! I felt normal!

I wasn't even too bugged that I had to buy a size bigger since my figure is more curvy now. Before, I was pretty bummed that I've gone up a size, but now that I have more energy , I feel confident that I can work on getting my figure back in control too, so why fret about it. I have been using my treadmill here at home a lot - one of my favorite workout songs is Kanye's "Stronger" because he starts out by saying "that that don't kill me can only make me stronger" - it's kind of my work out anthem, it gets me feeling all sassy and victorious about getting through these last few months. That's what I listen to when I work out right now, sassy songs. I listen to "Sexyback" too which is a little harder because it makes me laugh and dance a bit and I wonder if I'm going to fall right off that treadmill one of these times.

OK, sure I was tired, really tired every night when I got home, but it was normal tired, not debilitating tired, and when I got up in the morning, I had the energy to get going again for another day.

I'm so glad to have time and energy for fun now, and fun is fun again - I can enjoy things. I enjoy all the things that I used to (including music, I sang with my iPod like a dork for over an hour last night because I was trying to learn the French lyrics to my new Etienne Daho CD) and I am enjoying even mundane things like doing the mail and finances every week because I have the energy and the concentration that I need to do them.

It feels so good to feel good!

Verona – The Basilica of Saint Anastasia

2008-01-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

Verona has five churches of note. I know that because when we went to buy our tickets at St. Anastasia’s, the ticket lady asked if I wanted to buy a ticket that would cover all five churches, or just a ticket for the one church. I bought a ticket just for St. Anastasia. As you will see, later when I write about the Duomo, I did get to see one other church too.

I enjoyed these so much that next time, I will get the five church pass and I will be try to see all of them. Maybe in small doses though, since they are pretty overwhelming.

Let me preface my review of this church by saying that I got the impression that this church is pretty run of the mill by Italian standards. So if you are a world traveler or have seen many Italian churches already, this one may not even make the list of things you would like to see. But from my perspective, from a person who loves art, and has only made one trip and seen a handful of churches, I really enjoyed this one.

St. Anastasia is the largest church in Verona. It sits along the bank of the Adige River. When you approach the church from the front, you don’t get much of a feel for what is inside. The front of the church is unfinished and pretty much just plain brick. The front door does have a stone entry way with some carvings, and to the left, there is a tomb that you can see in a raised stone monument, but the overall impression is pretty plain and humble.

They started to build this church in 1290. Um, yep, I said 1290. That is one of the things that hits you when you walk around Italy and admire the architecture, the sculpture and the art – the sheer scale of things and the how long ago they were made. Not only is this building large, imposing and in some places very intricate, but it is over 600 years old. The people who built it worked without electricity. Without calculators, without penicillin, without labor laws, without Coke breaks! What on earth must that have been like? How did they do such a great job? How did they get the bricks so uniformly made and placed? What kinds of sacrifices did they make for their work? Did they work on this building for years? Through bone chilling cold and searing summers? Did whole families of painters, carvers and stone masons dedicate their professional lives to this one structure? And who the heck paid for it all?

Well, enough musing. What did it look like inside? Spectacular. First of all, I was not prepared for what I later came to recognize as the usual layout for an Italian church. They don’t just have one alter at the front, they have that one and then many others running up both sides of the church. Some of the alters are fairly small and not very deep, others are deep enough and ornate enough to qualify as a chapel. But even the plainest, smallest alter was still unspeakably beautiful.

Soaring, intricately painted ceilings are the norm, and so are gorgeous marble floors.

I found myself thinking that is must be much easier to be a practicing Catholic in Italy than it is here. To walk into a church in Italy is to be surrounded by and bathed in, glory, wonder, and splendor. Everywhere you look there are saints, angels, cherubs, Madonnas, annunciations, and crucifixions. They are portrayed so beautifully, so sumptuously, so lavishly, that you can easily believe that you are seeing just a peak of what it is like in heaven. It also makes you feel very tiny and very humble.

Some of the features that stand out in this church are the two holy water founts that are basins resting on the backs of stone hunchbacks. They managed to be somehow charming and grotesque at the same time.

In Italy, you face the very real danger of getting “churched out” – of seeing so many truly spectacular churches, alters, paintings and sculptures that you just can’t appreciate them anymore. You get overwhelmed by it all. The repetition can get to you too, you can be standing in front of the 15th annunciation painting that you’ve seen in the last half hour, kind of staring, when you suddenly realize that you are looking at a Bellini – a real Bellini. It takes a moment for you to realize that you are seeing the deepest, most translucent colors that you have ever seen. I really did get stunned enough that my brain started to have trouble processing that much beauty.

Italy is just full of gorgeous churches. Try seeing one. You may find that one is enough for you, or you may decide like I did, that you would love to see them all.

Verona – Juliet’s House

2008-01-05T17:34:00.000-08:00

The play Romeo and Juliet takes place in Verona. Juliet’s house, Romeo’s house and Juliet’s tomb are all places that you can go see while you are there.

The way to Juliet’s house goes through a short tunnel. The tunnel is completely covered in graffiti. Lovers are encouraged to leave their mark on these walls. I don’t know what my problem was, but I did not find that romantic, or have any interest in reading any of the scrawled messages, I just thought it looked messy and disrespectful.

The tunnel opens onto a small courtyard. On the right is the doorway to Juliet’s house (open to tourists, but we did not go in. I've since seen pictures of it in a book that I bought as a souvenir, and next time I'm there, I will go in just to see it). You can see a couple of nicely shaped, Moorish windows and a small stone balcony that is supposed to be the balcony that Juliet stood on when talking to Romeo. To the left is a small shop, and directly ahead is a bronze statue of Juliet that has one very shiny breast. You are supposed to go up and rub her right breast three times for good luck. Pretty much everybody did while I was there and I did too.

As a tourist attraction, this little courtyard is not much and I am tempted to tell you not to waste your time going to see it.

But here is what made it worth it, not a stone balcony, not a statue, but that while you are there, you suddenly realize that Shakespeare set enough of his plays in Verona that he probably visited, and you have been walking the very same streets that he walked! His eyes may have seen the wall next to where you are standing. For all you know, after leaving this courtyard, he walked a while, found a restaurant and enjoyed some pasta and a glass of wine, just like you will. That is what makes this attraction work seeing. It made Shakespeare and all of his works more real for me, more human, and less academic. And it gave me a sense of history that I can’t get here in the U.S. Yes, I have toured Mt. Vernon and seen the place where Washington lived, and I’ve been to Monticello and seen gardens that Jefferson worked, and I enjoyed the sense of connection to history that I got from that. But this is Shakespeare!! I was pretty floored to feel any sense of connection with a man that lived in the 1500’s.

As long as we are on the topic of Shakespeare, I have a recommendation for you to consider. Get his sonnets on CD (you may even be able to get that from the library. There are some available that have famous folks like Meryl Streep and Patrick Stewart doing the reading), and play them in your car sometimes. He wrote quiet a few, and being sonnets, they are very short. What impresses me is his subject matter. He wrote the sonnets in his middle age, and his mind was much occupied with raising a family, with aging, with friendship, with love, with loss. The sonnets are casual, accessible, touching and often funny. I also find it much harder to give rude drivers the finger while I’m listening to such heady stuff, so it has probably saved me from getting into trouble!

Hat Delivery

2008-01-02T13:12:00.001-08:00

I delivered another box of hats today.

Dr. Wonderful (um, that would be my oncologist whom I think the world of, as opposed to my stellar surgeon and amazing radiologist - hard to keep track, no?) said that they are flying out the door, and I had a new batch from my friend so I braved the elements (it is wicked cold, windy and snowy here today, wind chill got to minus 12 this morning) and dropped off a nice big box.

I love doing this.

It is my hope and dream that I will somehow figure out how to expand this effort until every chemo lady who wants a fuzzy hat can have one. I want to help thousands of chemo cuties! Thanks to my tireless friend in Florida who crochets at jet speed, I'm well on the way!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

Here's my wish to you that 2008 is happy, healthy, prosperous, and all around wonderful!!

I had a great New Year's Eve. First we went to contra. I would dance a dance (with partners close to my own age this time) then sit down for one or two, then get back up and dance again. We had to leave early, so I think I got four dances, which is about an hour in. It was terrific to dance, to hear music, to catch up with folks, to see smiling faces and to see all the people who dressed up for the event. Dressing up is optional, so there were plenty in shorts or skirts and t-shirts, but there was also a lady wearing chaps and a 2008 tiara (you gotta love that) and a variety of really cute dresses from tea length to floor length. I love to see people dressed up and dancing and laughing! I'd say there had to be 300 people there so it was a great crowd. Dancing in crowded conditions can be difficult, but I only bounced off of people that I really like so I guess that's okay!

We left early to pick up the kids and walk over to a neighbor's house so we could be there in time for the toast when the ball drops. Every year since we have moved here (that's 12 years now) at midnight, we have been at a neighbor's house or at our house with all the neighbors over. I get misty every year as we all raise our glasses and I look out at their happy faces and growing families. Our busy lives drive us apart for much of the year, but we always get together on this magic night, and I am so very glad that we do.

Verona – Piazza Bra, Liston, the Arena and the Piazza Delle Erbe

2007-12-29T08:57:00.000-08:00

This is where we spent most of our time in Verona.

It was about a half hour stroll from our hotel.

We would walk along the street passing shops, wine bars , and smart cars parked up on the sidewalk; that never failed to make me laugh. When you live in a city that was designed something like two thousand years ago, you need to be a creative parker.

We would walk under the arches of a fortified wall that is a leftover from original Roman times, but has been updated a few times since then by ruling families and factions. After passing under the arch, we were in the Piazza Bra. The center of it is the Arena. This structure was built around 30 A.D. Contemporaries of Christ walked there! That’s a pretty staggering concept.

A small part of the fourth story remains, but the vast majority of it is three stories of arches. The inside has stone steps for seating, and the floor is just dirt. You can buy a ticket and walk around in there. We did not find any tours, or signs or information, which was a little disappointing because visiting a place like that makes you want to know everything you can about it. But we could still sit on one of the steps and imagine that we were there to watch a naval battle, and they had flooded the Arena for the occasion. We walked into the interior and could see the passages that they could have used to release lions, prisoners, and gladiators. We could see the drainage systems that are built into the stone. That drainage system is one of the reasons why they think the structure is still standing. The back passages were tall, I’d guess over 20 feet tall. That really made me think. Who on earth had the vision to design this thing? How hard was it to build something on this scale with your bare hands? Why make these arches so tall when that had to be an engineering nightmare and their beauty would only been seen by those behind the scenes?

It was very cold and misty on the day that we visited the Arena and that contributed to the atmosphere. It made it easier to imagine time slipping away, and to picture the building it its prime, filled with people.

During the summer, they stage operas there. We were there during the Santa Lucia Festival, and they erect a huge metal shooting star next to the Arena just for the festival. I goggled at that too. It was a heck of a structure to put up for a festival then take down again.

The Piazza Bra also has some impressive buildings that circle around the Arena, and a park area with a fountain.

The Piazza Bra also has the Liston, which is the most popular boulevard to stroll down. At the beginning, is it mostly restaurants, gelato places and tobacco shops, but as it goes on it turns into the Venetian version of Rodeo Drive. The streets change from cobblestones to flatter stone tiles, and the shops range from not too expensive hosiery stores to Burberry, Loius Vuitton and Gucci. The Liston is fairly crowded at all hours on any day. The other interesting thing is that it looks like it should be pedestrian only, but cars make their way down it all the time. Since we walked on the Liston on our way home from many a boozy dinner, dodging the cars became a pretty active exercise.

If we kept walking past all those shops, we came to the Piazza Delle Erbe. We spend a lot of time in this square. The first day, we came by and bought roasted chestnuts from one of the street vendors. They were a tasty treat, but more importantly, a bag of roasted chestnuts is a great hand warmer.

At the end of the square is a gorgeous building with statues all along the roof, and next to that is a clock tower. In front of the building is a sculpture of the Lion of St. Mark. This is a common theme through out Venice and the Veneto region. The carving is usually fairly large, very noble looking and is posed with a book. Whether the book is closed or open has meaning, one of them means that the statue was made during the time of war. But, of course, I can’t remember which one.

Down the center of the square are unbrella covered stalls for vendors that sell t-shirts, souvenirs and produce. I bought a little glass octopus and some souvenir calendars there. Along one side of the square are mostly residences. Those buildings were the typical tall boxy shape, with as many balconies as they could possibly put on it, all with beautiful, ornate metal railings. And even in winter, all the balconies that we saw were beautiful gardens, even the smallest spot would have a few artfully chosen plants. The other side of the square had a few shops, but was mostly café after café after café. This is where we sat on Saturday morning soaking up the sun and soaking up the spritzes with a couple hundred people who were all out doing the same.

I don’t think I will ever be able to describe just what a pleasure that was. After days of cold and mostly gray skies, here we sat at a little table in a sea of tables, surrounded by the gorgeous, rich colors of the buildings around us. Even with all the people there, it was fairly quiet, quiet enough that we could just soak in the beauty of the day, the surroundings, and the taste of the sparkling orange drink that I was trying for the first time.

Quick Trips to the Oncologist and the Radiology Ladies

2007-12-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

I have been really tired this week. So tired that I went to bed at 6 right after I got home from work on Wednesday. I did a little better on Thursday. I went into work again, worked a full day, dropped by Trader Joe's for a few things, got home, went to dinner (Cheddar's), then came back home and went to bed.

The made my husband worry. I just keep being tired, and we don't see much improvement.

So I called my oncologist's office. They had me come in for a blood draw (which they do as a finger stick and you get the results right away - and I really appreciate that they don't have to tap a vein and you don't have to wait a day or so for the results). They weren't really expecting to find anything, they just thought they would check to rule out infection, anemia, or any other blood level problems. Everything looks great.

That was good news I guess. I'm glad of course that my blood levels look great, and I don't have some new problem that I need to take care of, but it is not fun to sit there and have the nurse tell you that it takes 3 to 6 months to return to baseline energy levels and that there is nothing they can to to help me feel better now, or get better faster. The nurse was terrific, and she was sorry that she could not do anything to help, and very helpful since she said that I'm pretty much right where I should be. But still! Who wants to hear that they may feel like this for a few more months?

Admittedly, I am always tired around the holidays and I did just get back from Europe, I'm keeping that in mind.

While I was there, I dropped off a great big shopping bag full of fun fur hats that my friend made. I'm so glad that I had some to donate, that helped distract me from being at the doctor's once again to have my blood drawn, and it gave me a happy reason to be there.

After that, we went down a floor to give the radiation ladies the pashminas that they asked me to buy for them while I was in Venice. I really enjoyed that. I loved having an assignment to go to the shop and pick out some scarves for them, and I loved bringing them back. It was fun being an international personal shopper!

I also had to call my surgeon today. I found a hard, sore lump in my armpit, under the incision. Turns out that the blue dye that they use for sentinal node mapping can pool in an area and make a hard knot. Huh. What's that doing there? This is months afterward. So now I'm supposed to rub it every day until it goes away. While I'm not looking forward to my daily armpit rubbing sessions, I'm relieved to hear that they see this all the time and it is nothing to worry about.

Italy – The People

2007-12-27T10:15:00.000-08:00

The people there were fascinating.

The first thing I noticed is that they are slimmer than Americans. Pretty much everybody is slim and mobile. If I look at a crowd of Americans in the street, I typically see many who have mobility issues, I will see canes, wheelchairs, orthopedic boots… but not in Italy. The people that I saw of all ages were slim and active. I admit, I wondered if I was seeing a subset of the population. Maybe all the people with mobility issues stay home and don’t walk the streets as much as the other folks. Maybe I was only in affluent, touristy areas where the income levels are higher and the crowds reflected that.

I’m pretty tempted to decide that the real reason is that a slower pace of life, better quality food, and a more physical activity are the reason though. Their culture promotes leisurely conversation, love of nature and the outdoors, and a deep appreciation of beauty. Maybe that is reflected in their general health.

So, after that initial impression, I was surprised and amazed to see how many people over there smoke. They don’t smoke in public places like trains, museums, and restaurants which is a real godsend, because the rest of the time, just about everyone is smoking like a chimney. That was really the only annoyance that I had during the trip, I got tired of breathing in other people’s smoke all the time when I was out walking, I really could not get away from it.

The next thing that I noticed was fashion. For men and women. The men wore clothing that would definitely qualify as “queer eye” over here. They favored fancy shoes, bright colored pants, and scarves. They showed much more attention to quality, detail and color than American men do. They also wore very intricate glasses and sunglasses. Some of the frames were so outlandish that I had to conceal my surprise and amusement. The ornate eyewear was worn by women as well, but it was more surprising to see it on men.

The woman favored bare legs. It was cold there and I saw many women in very short minis and “winter” shorts. They were also wearing tights, that’s true, but for December, that still qualifies as bare legs. I also saw quite a few women wearing pants that I can only describe as very heavy tights. The ladies who wore them had the figures for it, but I was still amazed to see something so tight and so shear. Jeans were ubiquitous, I’d say more than 50% of any crowd and any gender was wearing jeans at any given time. If I saw a lady wearing any other pants, they would be more ornate in pattern and more brightly colored than what I see here. Intricate contrasting designs and patterns, or in one notable exception, snakeskin. Oh yes, the lady looked like a well fed python! Cracked me up.

For cover ups absolutely every one regardless of gender or age, had a scarf. Gloves were surprisingly absent. I did see a few people wearing them, but many of the women and children were otherwise bundled up, but their hands were bare. People wore coats that varied from full length fur and full length parkas to ski jackets. I was wearing a black and white ski jacket, so was my husband. That really made us stand out. Everyone’s jacket there is in one solid color, surprisingly plain considering their love of all things ornate and detailed.

Make up was also interesting. They seem to know only two extremes. Either they don’t wear it (that is not a criticism, many of those women were absolutely beautiful without the aid of any cosmetics) or they applied it with a trowel. Overly bright eye shadow, thick liner, and Tammy Fay style lip liner were prevalent.

One lady that I saw pretty much defined the style. She had to be in her late seventies. She had considerable wrinkles (the happy kind – laugh lines in abundance), bright turquoise eye shadow, a full length fur coat, a patent brown crocodile bag that looked like it cost more than my car when the prior owner bought it new, patterned stockings, and just over ankle height boots that were also patent brown crocodile with fur trim. If I wore that, I would look ridiculous. She did not. She looked peppy, in charge, and wonderful. She looked like 80 was not her age, baby, it was her speed.

Patterned tights and hose were very popular. There was also a look that I had not seen before. You start out with solid colored tights, then add a contrasting colored knee high stocking. I bought a few of the knee highs while I was there. I tried them out one day at work. I wore patterned purple knee highs over black tights with a grey dress. My colleagues were intrigued; I got comments from everyone who saw me, and I would say feed back was mostly negative. Doesn’t stop me for a minute though, I’ll dress more Italian every chance I get. It adds an element of fun and whimsy that our fashion doesn’t often show.

And, oh, I have not mentioned the lady’s shoes. Fabulous! Many wore boots and they were beautiful Italian leather boots with various flairs thrown in such as unusual stiching or hardware. Most people’s boots looked fabulously expensive. I also saw many ladies wearing various high heels, mules and sling backs. Not so unusual, you might think, until you consider that these ladies were out walking for hours on cobblestone streets. I have no idea why I was able to be there for eight days and no see a single woman break an ankle! So I started to observe them – their secret? The ladies with the high heels or looser shoes like mules always held onto the arm of their companion as they walked. Many times it was a man, but I also saw many groups of ladies all holding on to each other as they walked.

I also saw many pierced noses. Both men and women had their noses pierced on the side and wore a very small jewel, so tiny that you often had to look twice to see it.

I also saw many men with pierced ears, multiple pierced ears, and wearing pendant earrings. The guy who worked on one of the ferries in Venice wore a fabulous set of grey pendant pearl earrings. It is not often that I admire and want the jewelry that I see on a man! It did not make him look feminine though, it added a certain swagger. Beats the heck out of me how he pulled that off! I did not see anyone with those spacers in their ears that leave them with those big see through holes. I also did not see many tattoos. Granted, it was winter, so I did not see much bare flesh, but I did see plenty of arms and necks when we were indoors, and I can’t remember seeing a single tattoo.

In manner, the Italians talk much, gesture large, talk loudly and just seem to be enjoying life and each other. They have a dramatic flair. The volume of their voices and gestures did not seem too much for me, it I thought it showed vigor and enthusiasm. It was also very interesting to see how long they could talk between breaths – it was impressive. Even the weather guy that we saw on TV in the morning seemed to be able to talk for about a minute without drawing a breath.

Italy – The Food

2007-12-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

Wow! These people know how to eat!

Sit down with a nice cup of tea to read this one - it is lengthy!

The first thing that I noticed was that the waiter never comes back after you get your food. You have to track them down to pay the bill. No one is in a hurry for you to leave. You can stay at your table chatting and drinking for hours if you like. I loved the leisurely pace.

Next thing I noticed is that everybody, tiny little slim girls included can really pack it away. Remember, I was eating out everyday, so I have no idea how they eat at home, but when they go out, everyone gets huge plates of food and eats it all. Each time I finished with something and there was still some left on my plate, the waiter would ask me what was wrong!

Let’s see. The first night there, we stumbled upon a restaurant in one of the many alleys off the main square near our hotel in Verona. I’d say it was about a 40 minute walk from our hotel. We ordered bruschetta (pronounced brus-ketta by the way, they always corrected me when I ordered without saying the “k” sound in the middle) which came with prosciutto on it. This was my first of what was to become pretty much daily doses of prosciutto, salami, or pancetta. The stuff is everywhere! Anyway, the bruschetta was served on a large piece of thin toasted bread with tomato sauce, tomatoes, melted cheese and pepperoni. I was used to just having fresh chopped tomatoes with basil. This stuff was really delicious. Then we had gnocchi with gorgonzola cheese sauce. This passed good right up and went all the way to transcendent. The gnocchi were light years lighter than the ones that I make at home, and the sauce was creamy and rich without being cloying. It was so flavorful that is should have been overwhelming, but it wasn’t. I ordered the house white wine which came in a little pitcher. It was also remarkable.

I noticed that the waiter seemed confused when my husband and I ordered one entrée to split. Everywhere we went that caused confusion, and I never saw any of the Italians order something to split. Huh.

The next day started with breakfast at the hotel. They had a nice spread every morning. One table had cereals. They had corn flakes, muesli, granola, the bran stuff that always looks like chicken poop to me (I eat it, but that is what it looks like), and a nice dried fruit, nut and coconut mix. They provided regular and soy milk which was nice since I prefer soy. That table also had a fresh fruit salad and a bowl of fruit. I often snagged an orange once I learned that at breakfast was the only time during the day that I would see any fresh fruit. They had stewed prunes too. Ever since they were part of our breakfast a few years ago when we vacationed in Bermuda, I have liked stewed prunes. Not enough to serve them at home, but I don’t pass them up when I find them at a breakfast buffet.

They had a second table that had pastries (apricot filled croissants and a couple of other things – there was so much there to eat that I rarely made it to the pastries), fruit juices, water (sparkling and still which are offered everywhere. When you order water in a restaurant, they ask you “with or without gas?” meaning bubbles. If you order with gas you get Pellegrino, if you order without, you still get bottled mineral water, but without bubbles.) and a large tray of sliced meat and cheese. The meats always included salami and prosciutto, once I saw mortadella too. A few times, I was not sure what the stuff was. They also had crispy rolls and a rustic bread so you could make a breakfast sandwich.

We had excellent food everywhere that we ate in Verona. One time we wanted truffles, and the lady at the hotel desk (who could seamlessly switch from Italian to English to French and back again) called a restaurant to see if they offered truffles since they are seasonal. They said yes, so off we went. When we got there, there were no truffles on the menu. We asked and they made us truffles and pasta. Truffles have a very unique flavor, they reminded me just a little of escargot with green onions, I don’t really know how to describe it. I really liked the taste. Another time, the restaurant was out of the soup I ordered, they had a vegetable cream soup. I talked with the waiter (whom I call “limoncello guy” since he offered me my first one of those), he asked what kind of soup I wanted. Turns out that he could serve me the vegetable soup before they blended it into a cream texture, and it was very good.

In addition to truffles, I also ate octopus (that was a rough one, they were very tiny and there were a few of them in my lobster pasta. I had trouble eating them since I think octopi are cute and fairly intelligent), and salt encrusted sea bass. The sea bass meal was something. For this one, we were being entertained for lunch by my husband’s colleagues and we had two customers with us. These two customers were the whole reason for the trip and we got to entertain them for a couple of days. They were just wonderful people and I had a great time with them. Anyway, the two Italians take us to this restaurant where there is no English on the menu and the waiter does not speak any. Prosecco (Italian yummy sparkling wine, their version of champagne) was served. So was a very good red wine that just kept coming.

We were trying to figure the menu out. They asked what kind of pasta did we like and did we like sea bass? So, a pasta dish comes for me with a red sauce, lobster bites and those tiny octopus. A pasta comes for my husband that has sea bass in it. We had something as an appetizer too, but I can’t remember what. My husband and I struggled to finish our pasta. We tried very hard to finish what was on our plates since we figured that was the end of the meal. We were so wrong! THEN they brought out this enormous fish that had been baked in a salt crust!! We were totally full! We ate what we could which was fabulous, but I hardly made a dent in it. Then they ordered Sgrippino for us. This is traditionally served after a fish course. It is lemon sorbet mixed with a little vodka and prosecco. Refreshing and fabulous. I was full to the rafters and not a little tipsy after all this. Then we headed off to the Bertani winery for our tour and tasting.

The grounds were gorgeous. It was a misty afternoon, and the building is a butter colored mansion owned by some baron or something a few hundred years ago. We had four generous tastes to try with a big tray of salami and bread and an amazing hard cheese that we spent the next few days fruitlessly trying to remember the name for. Anyway, after all that wine, we were fairly rushed out because it was the end of the day. The door clanged, I do mean clanged shut behind us, I put on my hat (it was very cold there the whole time) and realized that I had lost my gloves. We tried pounding on the door, but to no avail. Later in the car, I discovered that I was wearing my hat with my gloves folded up inside it!!! The customers thought that was hilarious and teased me for days about getting so toasted.

We also had sandwiches at both the most famous restaurants in St. Mark’s Square, the Café Quadri and the Café Florian. I think the Florian has been there as a restaurant for something like 600 years. Hard to fathom.

Food in Venice was not so great. The first time we went, we stopped to eat our dinner outside at a restaurant that faces the Rialto bridge. The view was amazing. Italians seem to love to be outdoors, so they are fine eating outside even in frosty weather. I was cold enough that the waiter moved one of the outdoor heaters to our table for me. We were not too hungry, so we both ordered pasta. Then the waiter said he had this amazing fresh flounder and we had to try it. We had visited the Rialto market that morning and they had an amazing display of fish there, so I had been wanting fish all day. So we decided to try it. The fish was good, but when the bill came, we discovered that the fish alone was over 60 Euro!!! That’s around $80!!! We tried to remember that getting rooked in Venice makes for a great story, but we are still complaining about the price of that dinner. Ouch!! And I would say that that sums up the food experience at every place that we ate over the two days that we spent in Venice, it was OK and ridiculously expensive. So if you go over, goggle at the wonders of Venice, but be sure to eat in Verona!

In addition to pastas, sandwiches, and soups, I also had quite a few salads. I usually ordered the Mediterranean. That is greens, capers, olives, tomatoes and tuna. Every time they brought me one, I marveled at the size of it – the salads were huge! They never brought dressing either, you use the olive oil and balsamic vinegar that are always on every table in every restaurant. They’ve completely converted me too, now olive oil and balsamic are the only dressing that I like!

And now to the beverages. I already told you about the bottled waters which we drank by the gallon. There was a grocery store called “Pam” on the way home, and we would stop there to get waters to keep in the hotel too. One thing I noticed is that Italians don’t fill any cup or glass, whether it is water, wine, or anything else, they always fill their cups and glasses only 1/3 to ½ full. They also don’t drink as they walk around. We saw people walking for hours, and no one had a soda or a bottle of water with them. If they get thirsty, they duck into a little wine bar for something to drink. I also never saw styrofoam or a paper cup the whole time I was there.

The first beverage I tried was a decaf espresso. Yes, I’ve had these before, years ago, but I never really cared for it. I’m not a coffee lover. I drink white tea and water. I did not like my first espresso much. The flavor was very strong, and I was horrified at the idea of dumping a packet of sugar into something before I drank it. Ah, but a few hours later I was craving another one. I was hooked! We walked and walked and walked all day everyday in really frigid weather, and stopping my a little shop to have a quick espresso and a couple of cookies turned into a real treat. I ended up drinking at least two a day. When we got home, my husband bought us an espresso maker for Christmas. Now the whole family is hooked. The machine was quite expensive and you have to join their club to get more coffee for it (how yuppie is that?), but the espresso is really wonderful and seeing my two kids at the table sipping from those tiny cups is worth the price of admission.

The next drink I tried was a limoncello. We had lunch at a restaurant that my husband goes to every time he is in Verona. The waiter recognized him, and gave us limoncellos to try after our meal. I looked the recipe up when I got home. Basically, you soak lemon peel in high proof vodka for up to 40 days. What you get is a refreshing lemon yellow liquid that is amazing when served chilled, appalling when served warm. I usually finished up my dinner every night with a limoncello.

I also tried a spritz Aperol which is a regional drink. They only make it in the Venice and Veneto region. I read about it in my guide book, and once I looked around, I realized they were right, tons of the natives were drinking this bright orange stuff. My husband found the recipe for it. It is Aperol, Prosecco and sparkling water. The taste is very light and refreshing with a slightly bitter fruity taste. They serve it in a very large wine glass, with a little ice floating just on the top and an orange slice. I had many of these little wonders too. My favorite was on Saturday late morning. We walked over to the square in Verona, where there were three restaurants all in a row that had tables outdoors. This was the warmest day and the sun was out. We sat at a table among a couple hundred other people who were all doing the exact same thing, drinking a spritz, munching on olives and enjoying the day.

Another notable dinner was at a restaurant called the Jazz Club. Sounds American doesn’t it? Well, not a person there spoke any English and the menu was a real puzzler. I had my phrase book out and we were all still having a hard time figuring out what anything was. I ended up just ordering soup. But my companions ordered the steak. That was after we quizzed the waitress and she had so much trouble trying to talk to us, that she gave up, pointed to an item on the menu and said "Moo!" LOL

We could see this enormous man in an open kitchen behind us cooking up these slabs of meat. With his size and the sparks flying around him, he reminded me of Vulcan, the Roman god of fire. Well when the steak got to our table, it was not a steak, it was an entire roast. The waitress sliced it up and we were all horrified to see that it was close to raw, it had just been seared on the outside. We just looked at each other stunned because no one wanted to eat that. After she sliced the meat, she placed it into a tangine, and it sizzled when she did so we knew the tangine was hot. Well, the meat finished cooking in the tangine until it was rare, not raw. There were a couple little pieces that were more well done than the others, so I tried those. It was good!

As you can see, I thoroughly enjoyed the food and drink! They are an entire culture of foodies like me who are obsessed with great fresh food!

Italy - the flight over and our hotel

2007-12-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

Hours before our flight, as I was packing, I realized that I did not have the right shoes for this trip. I needed warm walking shoes.

So, I made an emergency trip to Dillard's and bought the only size 5 pair of Ugg boots that they had. Lucky me - they were ones that I liked. They are black and end about mid calf.

Buying those boots and my new ski jacket were the smartest thing I could have done. I lived in both of them all day every day during the trip. I have my husband to thank for that, he kept saying that we would be outdoors in the cold all day and walking for hours, and did I have the right gear for that?

OK, so I rushed home from Dillard's, packed my suitcases and off we went.

My niece drove us to the airport and my kids came along. I was hoping that they would not come to the airport since saying goodbye to them for several days is so hard for me. But, I was so excited about the trip that it was a little easier than I thought it would be and I got through it without making a scene on the curb.

We flew over on an Air France 767 that was less than half full. The flight was very easy. They fed us often and played two movies and a couple of TV shows. The only thing I watched was the last thing they showed, an episode of Smallville. It was surreal watching it as our plane touched down in Paris.

I snoozed most of the way through the flight, and remembered to get up and walk around every time I woke up. There was only one nervous moment when I woke up to hear the captain yelling (I don't think he was really yelling, it just sounded that way to me since it woke me up) that we were going to go through turbulance as we left the coast of Greenland, so everyone needed to buckle back up. We did have turbulance, but it wasn't bad. Many people were stretched out across three seats to sleep, one was even sleeping on the floor in front of a row of seats. When we all woke up to buckle our seat belts, it felt like a very strange slumber party.

We had a three hour layover in Charles de Gaulle airport. Enough time to buy myself an Eiffel Tower for my desk at work, and some souvenirs and postcards. I also ate a croissant. Not because I was hungry, because I was in PARIS!!!

We had an easy time changing flights. On the way over one time, my husband's luggage was all lost for days. So we had a strategy this time. We both had checked bags and carry ons. Our carry ons had a change of clothes and the toiletries that we don't want to live without, and whatever other little comforts that we would need to last a few days without the rest of our luggage. That plan worked great on the first plane. But the much smaller plane to Verona did not have much overhead space. They took my carry one when we checked in for the flight, and they took both of my husband's smaller ones away as we boarded. So much for planning ahead!!

The good news is that all of our luggage made it to Verona with us, so it didn't matter that they kept taking it all away until we had nothing left to carry on to the last plane.

We arrived in Verona mid day. We took a cab to our hotel and then went for a walk so I could see some of the city. I'll describe that later, first I want to describe our room.

We were on the second floor. Remember in Europe, the first floor is zero, so by our standards, we were really on the third floor. The elevator was tiny and said it could hold six people! My husband and I barely fit in it. I found this very comical and pretty much laughed every time we stuffed ourselves into it. I also laughed every time we selected the button for the basement which is where breakfast was served, that floor was called -1. Buttons that say "0" and "-1" for floors are enchanting somehow.

Our room had an entry hall and one wall of that hall was the nicest closet I have ever seen. The doors were made of heavy wood and slid open and closed so smoothly. One side had room to hang longer items, a shelf and a cubby area, the other side had room to hang short items, a shelf with a safe and built in drawers. Everything was made of such solid, beautiful wood and the layout worked perfectly to store all my clothes and shoes. I didn't get sick of trying to find my stuff or living out of a suitcase at all.

Once through the short entry, I could see a platform bed, two windows and a flat screen TV over a desk. The desk and chair became the place that we heaped all our stuff onto every night when we came back to the room, so after the first day, I did not see the surface of that desk again until we left to come back home.

The bathroom was very novel to me. First, the shower was even smaller than that elevator! Essentially, the shower was standing room only, and you could not spread your arms out from your sides either. The doors slid out from the front corner, and at first the spray was aimed in that direction, so until I figured out how to move the shower head, I got shot with cold water every morning and we had a flood on the floor.

Next to that was a scary looking bidet. I was intimidated by that thing! I've seen ones that had a spray coming from the bottom and I understand that, but this one just had a spigot on the back, or what I thought was the back. Logistically, I could not figure out what was supposed to go where and I was certainly not going to ask for instruction on that.

Then there was the toilet. It had no visible water tank, I guess they either don't need one, or it's built into the wall somehow, so we just had the seat portion of it. A few feet above it was a flat plastic panel that looked like the world's largest light switch. But I'd already found the light switches next to the sink. What was this thing and how did it work? Fortunately, my huband knew. It was a rocker switch to flush the toilet. Press the top to flush, press the bottom to stop the flushing. Huh.

Across from the bathroom, over the bed was those two windows. One was really a window, the other was french doors that led out onto the world's smallest balcony. They had ivy and twinkle lights hanging from the edge. I don't know if they always have twinkle lights or if it was for Christmas or if it was for the Santa Lucia festival that was going on while we were there.

Most of Verona was covered in twinkle lights which only added to the magical aspect of how the whole place looks night and day.

The colors! The architecture! The fountains and sculptures! The fashion! The food! VENICE!!

I promise to write more about all of that in the coming days.

Yes, I Am Back From Italy

2007-12-17T12:36:00.000-08:00

So much to tell you!!

So little time!

We got back on Thursday night after 12 hours in a plane. I unpacked the suitcases and went to bed. I didn't get much sleep though since my son had a fever when we got home, and I kept getting up to check on him. My husband took him to the doctor the next day and it turns out that he had strep throat - poor guy!

Friday was a very hectic work day and a raging case of jet lag. Bad enough that I cried on my whole drive home, just from being so exhausted.

Saturday was all about my eldest son's 17th birthday party. He invited four friends (one of whom drove himself over, that was a first) for Chinese buffet, a movie (Golden Compass) and sleep over. My husband informed me that this is his last sleep over party because it is too wierd to have one of those when you are 18. I will miss it. I have known most of those kids since they were 5 and I really enjoy seeing them, and feeding them all breakfast the next day. He will still have a party I'm sure, but I'll miss their all night movie/video game thing.

Sunday was laundry, grocery shopping and getting and decorating the tree.

I have had NO time to post, my souvenirs are still in their bags on the floor next to my bed.

As soon as things ease up, I'll be sure to tell you all about Italy though - it was AMAZING!

Chemo Guy Follow Up

2007-12-03T14:18:00.000-08:00

I had my three month follow up with my oncologist today.

I had a hat on since it is so cold. A wonderful lady in the waiting room complimented me on the hat and on my hair! Geez people are nice to say something positive about my "Victor/Victoria" 'do.

It was great to catch up with my chemo doc. It's nice to be feeling good so we could talk about other things like that he was sick over Thanksgiving. Poor guy was trying to keep up on his enormous patient load while he was deathly ill.

That reminds me that while it is certainly hard to be a patient, I need to remember that it can be hard to be a doctor too.

He gave me his all clear to go to Italy, he had already told me he was great with it before, but this time around he reminded me to move around on the plane since Tamoxifen has been linked with blood clots in the legs. He said other than that I'm free to go on over and eat, drink and be merry!

Oh yes, indeed, there are a few bottles of wine over there with my name on them and far too much Tiramisu as well. I might just have to have that for dessert every day. Since my husband was just reading me a menu that included donkey and cuttlefish (not in the same dish), heck, I might just have only the Tiramisu for dinner every night - LOL!

Another way cool thing. I mentioned to him that my friend, my niece and I are going to continue making hats, would he be OK with me bringing them into his office every time I have a bag full? Not only is he OK with it - he wants to give the hats out himself! I think that is wonderfully thoughtful. As he meets a new lady before her first chemo, he can give her a few hats to cheer her up. That is a wonderfully caring thing to do. And it makes me so happy. I didn't want the hats to just pile up in a bin and be forgotten, or maybe passed over because people didn't realize just how nice they look when you put them on. I also really wanted someone to have the pleasure of seeing a patient's face light up when they put a new hat on and look in the mirror. It's pretty exhilarating and not to be missed.

So, yeah! We get to brighten some patient's days and we get to make chemo guy smile too!

So, well, I'm off to get kids where they belong (everybody has something going on tonight), then I'm skipping contra dancing to stay home and pack!! I'm going to spend the evening folding sweaters and blasting the Dandy Warhols and Cake, and oh yah, Dean Martin singing "An Evening in Roma" will just have to be in there too.

Acupuncture Works, Blanket Update and Spa Day

2007-12-03T06:21:00.000-08:00

I really did think acupuncture works for me.

But now I have evidence. My therapist is on a six week holiday, so I didn't have an appointment last week. I didn't notice any difference until this weekend when the arthritis in my thumbs came back with vigor. It really hurts! And I have to hold on until my appointment on January 14! I am comforting myself by thinking of all the money that I'm saving. LOL

I finished blanket number two last night - I've got one more to go. I might try to bring the yarn with me to Italy. I heard that you can't carry on a crochet hook though, so if I do it, I'll have to pack it in my checked baggage. Too bad, the plane ride is so long, I could almost finish it just on the way over.

I had a spa day over the weekend. My healer lady recommended a massage lady who has a spa in her home. I got an ayurvedic massage that is designed to increase circulation. I started by answering questions on a computer program that tells the therapist which kind of oil to use. The massage was fantastic, very soothing and warming. Then I did a steam treatment. I was on a table with this tent thing covering all of me but my head. It gets up to 130 degrees in the tent, and Iw ould not be able to tolerate it if m yhead was not outside, where she kept icy towels on my head and face. Sounds extreme, but I was quite comfortable. The idea behind the sweat lodge thing was to detoxify. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Other than that, I spend the weekend getting ready for the trip - I leave TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!

Rushing

2007-11-29T06:03:00.000-08:00

I am one tired girl today. It's a good tired though - I earned it!

I ran non stop from 6 a.m. yesterday until after 10 p.m.

I got up around six and started to work for an hour or so before I had to get my youngest ready for school.

After I got him to school, I had a few hours to work (in my pajamas), when I got a call from the mom of the chemo patient that I gave hats to a month ago. Her daughter was back for her very last chemo treatment and they would love some more hats.

So, I did a quick work out (10 minutes on the rebounder, 20 on the treadmill at a turtle's pace, chuh!), hopped in the shower, and headed to chemo guy's place.

I was lucky enough to have a whole bag of hats from the weekend when my friend from Florida came to visit.

When I got there, her daughter was getting her pre-meds, so I went back to the chemo suite. Going back there didn't bother me a bit, I was so excited to give her the bag of hats that I could not even think about what it was like for me when I was getting chemo. And even if I had thought about it, there is so much gratitude mixed in with the sorrow that it's really not hard on me to go back there.

Her daughter loved them all and every one of them looked great on her. They were so sweet and so grateful. Even the mom took a hat just because she likes them! I thought that was great. It was a real heart warmer to be able to give a fellow chemo hottie all those cute, spunky hats to help her look and feel good.

I really can't wait to make more and give them out. I love doing this so much that I wish I could do it full time! I would love to create a real charity and find a way to teach so many people how to make the hats that every single chemo patient who wanted some could have a whole box full. I have no idea how to do that, but I'm going to keep dreaming. And in the meantime, my friend and niece and I will keep making hats and make sure that at least all the chemo ladies at my chemo guy's office can have all the hats they want.

I had so much fun talking with them and handing out hats that I ended up late to my hair appointment. It didn't take long, but she did clean up the back of my neck and around my ears. She wouldn't charge me for it either, isn't that wonderful? How kind! I made another appointment for 8 weeks from now, hoping that I will need one by then. My hair stylist is a cancer survivor too, so she knows what it's like and she make a big deal about seeing me for my first post-chemo haircut. She is also going to look for paraben and mineral oil free hair products for me. So that was glowy, heart warming event number two - what a way to spend an afternoon!

Then I rushed home to pick my youngest up to go to the chiropractor. He has the sniffles and headaches right now, so he needs to go regularly until he gets better. I admit that I'm worried that he will be sick while we are in Europe. My niece loves him and will take excellent care of him if that does happen, but I can't help but feel that his Mom should be there if he doesn't feel good.

From there is was straight to Old Navy. Like most 10 year old boys, my son grows like a sunflower and he always needs new clothes as the seasons change. He desperately needs some new long sleeve shirts. We only found a couple of thermals, but we hit the jackpot on pants. I think we got him five new pair. We also ran into our neighbor's daughter. I didn't know that she worked there. She is a doll and she took some time to catch up with us.

I realized that I still had to get to the library and I had not had lunch yet. Now it was 7! So I went home to pick up my other son and we went to the library and out for Chinese. I was planning to make dinner, but I realized that it was getting late and I was rapidly losing the energy to cook, eat and clean up.

We got home around 8:30, and I finally got to sit still and work on a blanket for an hour while we watched a new series that I got from Netflix. It's called the Dresden Files. It's based on a series of books that my niece, my eldest son and I are all addicted to. It's about a wizard for hire, a sort of magical whodunnit.

And in between all that rushing, I worked every chance I got so I could get in enough hours for the day. No wonder I didn't have any time to eat! I admit, I ended up working past10 last night. Thank heavens I have that kind of flexibility.

It was good to have a totally crazy rush around like a whirlwind day and be up for it!

Today will me much quieter though and I'm grateful for that too.

I'm Supposed to be WHERE?!

2007-11-28T04:30:00.001-08:00

Busy day yesterday.

First of all, I forgot to tell you that I took the steri strips off my portacath scar. Yah, I had to tug to get that last bit off, and yah, it hurt, and yah, maybe I should not have rushed it, but dang, it was time to be done with that. The scar is pretty small. About an inch across. It doesn't bother me at all (other than being an ugly thing that shows all the time). I rub vitamin E Scar Serum into it every morning. It is still very noticeable, but I have faith that it will fade in time. Even it it doesn't, it is kind of a badge of courage, so I don't try to hide it.

OK, so back to yesterday.

I went in to work. Got my fresh veggie juice at Wild Oats on the way up. The guy put too much lemon juice in this time, so I had a serious pucker going on. Oh, there is nothing quite like the taste of kale juice with too much lemon in it! LOL

I was going to the Russian restaurant with a group of friends, we had arranged it a couple of weeks ago. So we all pile into two cars and head over to find a sign on their door that they are still closed for Thanksgiving!! What? We never even thought to check that! What a bummer. So we decided to head down the street to German buffet. We don't go there very often. After going through the line, I swear that your plate weighs five pounds! We go there a few times a year for celebrations. It's been there since 1964 and they have a huge cuckoo clock, so it has a ton of atmosphere. Well, we pull up in front of that place to find out that it is closed and up for sale!! Ack! So, we ended up at a Mexican place that I had not tried before. The veggie burrito was good, but it could not hold a candle to Russian Feast. So as soon as we got back to work, we sent out invitations to go to Red Square when I get back from Italy. At this point, I'm just hoping that they are still open by then!

Even with all the restaurant confusion, it was nice to sit and have lunch with the crowd from work. The invitation got forwarded around, so I had the chance to eat with some people that I don't really know, that was fun too. The burrito that I ordered was huge, and I ate the whole thing, so my friends had a great time teasing me.

I bought sushi on the way home so I would not have to cook dinner. I got home, fed everyone, and had just settled in (oh yes, I was happily reclined on the new furniture) and started to crochet and watch the Gilmore Girls episode that I missed last night since my niece called and wanted some advice on work and apartment things the night before. So, the phone rang. It was my friend saying "We are here, where are you?" What? Huh? Where was I supposed to be? They were at the Governor's Scholar program. They had invited me last week, and I thought they said it was Monday, so when Monday came and went I figured I had missed it. So I bundle up and rush out the door. I got all breathless because I was rushing across the campus of the college where it was being held, but the cool thing is that I did it! After a full day of work, I could hustle somewhere! That's good!

So I got home late from that, settled back in to crochet my skien a day (Christmas is looming!) and talked with my niece. She and the kids are getting all excited about their time together while I am in Europe. They have lists started of all the things they want to do and places they want to eat.

Well, my hair cut is today. I still think they are going to fall down laughing when I show up for a hair cut with hardly any hair.

Oh, and, one week from today, I will be in Italy! Yep, it's that close.

First Hair Appointment and Don't Trust Me With A Bank Statement

2007-11-26T03:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it. I spent about 4 hours yesterday working on bills, mail and my home desk.

I'm not done, there are still piles on my desk, and projects to do, but I did make a very nice dent in it.

As I worked on bank statements, credit card bills, correspondence, and piles of stuff that I needed to file, I was amazed by how well I kept up with this stuff while I was going through treatment.

I also found all kinds of little mistakes that I made during that time. A credit card that was zero interest had started to charge me interest a couple of months ago, and I had not even noticed. I called them and it turned out that the zero interest period had expired in September. It's not a big deal, I think it cost me $23, but it showed that for the last couple of statements, I had overlooked that entirely, and that a year or so ago when I signed up for the deal, I miscalculated the payment that I needed to make in order to get it paid off before it expired.

I was also four months behind on reconciling bank statements. In June, I walked to the shredder with some papers in my hand. I shredded them. Then I walked back to my desk to find that pile of stuff I meant to shred was still on my desk. So, what the heck did I just shred? Well, as near as I can tell, it was my bank statement for that month. So I called the bank and got them to send me a new one. That took quite a while before I figured out what was missing, made the call to get a new one, and had the time to go back and organize the statements. So, yesterday I balanced the missing statement, and had two others to go when I discovered that I'm missing the statement for July too! Where the heck did it go? I have no idea. Have I EVER lost even ONE bank statement before in my life? Nope. And now I've lost two.

For the statement that I did reconcile, I could see all the bills that I paid and checks that I wrote while I was on chemo.

It made me look back on that time again. I have really mixed feelings about that time and how much I tried to do and how well I coped. I tried to stay as "normal" as possible, I worked, I paid bills, I drove the kids to school. And those things gave my days rhythm and purpose. Many times I clung to those things like a lifeline. But, on the other hand, dang! Why did I push to do so hard? Why did I do so much?

So on one hand, I feel sorry for myself as I struggled to keep up, and on the other hand, I bet there are lots of people who have it much harder than I did, and who coped even better.

I don't think about how I feel all the time anymore, or think about having cancer, or what the treatments were like. But I do get these reminders. I'll see the copy of a check that I wrote in shaky handwriting, or a statement where check after check was to pay medical bills, and it will all come rushing back to me. And I never know how I will feel about it. Proud because I made it through and did my best? Sad because it was so hard? Scared because it could come back? Tired just at the thought of it all? Embarrassed because I see mistakes that I made? Grateful because I'm OK? Lucky because it really could have been so much worse? Yep, I feel all of those at times, sometimes I swear I feel all of those at once.

I also worked like crazy on blankets. One is done. The next one, I made too narrow. I have to decide between keeping it and starting a new one for my friend, or undoing three skiens of work. Chuh. Mostly it cracks me up that I could not figure out that is was too narrow until the dang thing was three feet long! That's pretty funny.

I got a cheap rebounder at KMart too. Bouncing on the trampoline is supposed to be especially good for your circulation, so I thought I would give it a try. So far, I like it. It's in front of the TV and I try to spend a few minutes on it when we watch something. That's a handy way to add some extra movement to my days that have become shockingly sedentary. So far, I like it because it is easy and convenient. I do have one problem that I need to solve though, and that's the girls. If I wear a normal bra, I end up crossing my arms to try to keep them still. So, I should wear a sports bra when I use the thing, but if I need to go change my clothes first, I know I'll use it less often. I cracked myself up by visualizing some kind of ceiling mounted support system! That would be way funny.

We also got some great news as we plowed through the mail. My son got his ACT score back, it's a 29! That's great! It also gives us the information that we need to have when applying for Governor's Scholar and as we look at different colleges.

I had to call and schedule a hair appointment too! Not because I have so very much of it, but I do have enough for it to start looking scruffy. The back of my neck needs some clean up, and I'm hoping she can recommend something to do with the top. Right now, I just finger comb it down. The other day, I put it up in a towel turban to dry and left it like that too long. It's just long enough to start curling and sticking out in all the wrong ways. Bad enough that my husband has been bugging me to make an appointment. So, we'll see if she can do anything for me while it is still so short. At least it's worth a try.

Holiday

2007-11-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving here was picture perfect.

We all worked together to prepare the usual feast; turkey and a ridiculous number of side dishes. (My husband, niece and I didn't eat turkey, but the kids made sure we knew that it would NOT be Thanksgiving without one) We did pare down the side dishes some to make it less work, and we (you might want to sit down for this one) BOUGHT our pumpkin pie!! This has never happened. Usually, I make at least two pies for us, pumpkin and pecan, and I make a handful of others to give to our neighbors since we are the only bakers on the block. The past couple of years I have been too tired to do this by myself and my husband has always stepped up to the plate and made a boatload of pies for me. This year, we bought ours from the farmer's market lady that I met a few weeks back. I discovered something - a pie you purchased can be just a sweet as one you made. We did have homemade whipped cream on it though, I'm not willing to compromise on every single thing!

I am very protective of the holidays. My rule is that we don't travel, instead we all spend the whole day at home together. I am especially happy if at least some of us don't even make it out of our jammies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had lovely holidays as a child, but we did spend many of them traveling to see relatives and as a kid, I just hated that. My favorite memories are of the holidays that we spent at home. So now that I have my own family, I try really hard to protect the holidays from the usual hustle and bustle of our lives.

Thanksgiving day was also like the holy grail for me this year as I went through all my treatments. I knew that by Thanksgiving I would be a month past all of them, and I could sit around the table with my family with even more reason than usual to get misty eyed. I pictured it in my mind many times when I was feeling bad. I'm happy to say that the reality was every bit as good as my imagination, down to the glow of candle light on the faces of my family.

We were done with eating and the dishes by 4:30. I had a couple of hours to do nothing but crochet and watch the snow that was gently falling outside. There is something magical about a gentle snow fall when your whole family is home safe and warm for a holiday. We waited that couple of hours before we had our pie, but of course, we were all still stuffed when the pie came around. We put forth a heroic effort and all ate large pieces anyway.

I also have a "Black Friday" tradition and that is to avoid it all together. I absolutely hate the idea of going out ridiculously early to queue up in lines and fight other people for bargains. As much as I love a good deal, I would honestly rather pay more and avoid all that hassle. This year we did go out some though. I went out (to Dick's) and got an amazing winter jacket (a Spyder that was on sale and of course I had a coupon), and some warm underthings for the trip to Italy. We also looked for luggage since we just had to throw our old set out and we need new bags for the trip. We waited until afternoon to do our shopping, so while there were crowds, it wasn't too bad. We looked for luggage at the mall (utter mob scene and totally not worth it) and Sam's Club - no luck there either.

We also went to Michael's for yarn. I finished the blanket for my younger son, and set myself the goal to make one for each of the three ladies that I work with. Here's the kicker, I have to get them done by our gift exchange on the 14th of December. I would have to call this the extreme sports version of crochet! My goal is a skein a day. I worked on it so much yesterday that my eyes hurt by the time I stopped! LOL - I am DRIVEN.

All in all, we visited about 5 stores as a leisurely pace. I got pretty tired, but I didn't give up, I'm in training for Italy, dang it! I gotta get some stamina here.

Today is a work day. We are all sitting around the kitchen table working on the Governor's Scholar packet for my eldest son. (An amazing Kentucky state program where the students that are selected attend a six week summer program at a local college, room, board and tuition are free and it looks amazing on college and scholarship applications, not to mention being an incredible experience). Pretty much nothing I have done in life has prepared me for this task. Yikes! So far, we found an electronic version of the forms (they require that you submit the package in printed and electronic form, but do they tell you where to get the electronic forms? No, of course not). We have filled out the first page, and we have listed 8 different extra curricular activities. Next, we need to do his community service page and his honors and award pages. This is quite an education for all of us. Great preparation for college applications, eye opening in that is shows us areas that we have been deficient too. We have the rest of his junior year and all of his senior year to work on those deficient areas though, so while we could have started earlier if we knew then what we know now, we are still in good time to make a difference.

I have been dreading it since I knew I would have to learn a lot and it would take time and be hard work, but now that we are knee deep into it, I'm enjoying it and learning a ton. I am also happy to see my husband, son, and I all sitting around the table working on it together. It is a worthwhile process just for that.

When I get done with that for the day, I'm supposed to spend hours going through the mail, paying bills, and cleaning my upstairs office desk. This is a goal that I set for myself. I want a clean desk!! Um, OK, I do have this goal around this time every year. But, as a dyed in the wool optimist, I don't see my failure to achieve it in years past as the least bit relavant. That was then, this is now! LOL

I hope you are having a wonderful, relaxing, magical holiday too. And, for course, that you've found yourself a bargain or two as well!!!

Great News From My Surgeon And a Guilty Pleasure

2007-11-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

I went to work two days in a row this week.

Monday, I went in with a trunk full of cub scout popcorn. My friends at work ordered over $300 of the stuff. I'm pretty overwhelmed by that generosity. They knew that I usually go and stand in front of Kroger's, Remke's and Kmart with my son to sell the stuff, and that there was no way I was up for that this year. So they all ordered from me. How sweet is that? And of course, when I got there, two of my friends came piling out of the building to help me get all that stuff inside and get it delivered.

That stuff is evil kind of good too. On Monday when I got home, I was too tired to be hungry, so I fed the kids and sipped a smoothie. My husband went to contra and I stayed home to get a few things done. I did laundry and picking up the house chores and it felt good to be able to do anything after a full day of work. But, I ran out of energy around 9 and got everyone settled in to watch a DVD. After the kids were in bed, my husband came home and we started to watch a Gilmore Girls episode. Around 11, I realized I was STARVING. So, oh horrors!, I broke into the tin of carmel popcorn that was oh so handy. It felt very decadent to be snugged in bed, watching a show and snacking on sweets. While that one act may disqualify me from being able to still say "chemo and Tamoxifen are making me chunky!", it was way fun.

Then I went into work on Tuesday too.

But, I went in for my 6 month follow up with my surgeon first. I just love her. First thing she did that had me laughing was this: she was giving me a breast exam when she noticed my shoes, so she took off for the end of the table to get a look at them! LOL I'm glad she did not find my naked chest as fascinating as a good pair of shoes! Then we talked about my going to Italy and she was as excited as I am and she heartily recommended drinking too much wine. She took a look at all my scars and was very proud of her work, I am too. She also gave me great news. I don't need a mammogram right away. I need to have one in six months from now. She said it is too close to radiation to do it yet. I told her that my radiologist said I should get one now and my surgeon's response was the same as mine, she said "Geez, that would HURT!!". So that's a big relief.

Then I went in to work. We are getting trained on a new software release, and I walked into the session just in time for it to finish, so that got everyone laughing. I only missed one session though, the training went on for the rest of the day and I was there for all the other sessions.

I headed home around 5 and got stuck in a horrible traffic jam. It took close to 2 hours for me to get home, and I had not planned for that, so I didn't have any food or drink in the car with me. I was trying to get to knitting group too, but I quickly realized that there was no way I would get home in time for that. My niece was already home and feeding the kids since she was going to go to knitting with me, so all the folks at home were covered. So I settled in for a long drive and caught up with a couple of friends on my cell since I was moving at all of three miles an hour.

I didn't realize how much that all tired me out until I got home though. My husband picked up some veggie spring rolls on his way home, so I had some for dinner, and then I got the shivers and shakes. I just could not warm up. So into the tub I went. After I warmed up, I went into the sunroom to hang with the kids (my eldest was trying DDR on the workout mode, he set a goal to work off 500 calories, and he did), and work on the blanket that I'm making. I was so worn out that is physically hurt.

When I went to bed, my husband was watching a show on the horrors of Darfur. I couldn't take it, so we switched to Gilmore Girls again. That was a very jarring contrast. I started to drift off, so my husband went back to TV, this time he found a documentary on the Jonestown Massacre. I tried to sleep through it, but I couldn't. Finally, I had to ask him to turn it off after I heard a mother shrieking as people carried off her kids. God!! I can't watch that! It's still bothering me today.

Sure put my own personal trials and tribulations in perspective.

To Soy or Not to Soy

2007-11-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

I'm mostly vegetarian, and have been off and on for a couple of decades.

It's partly a health decision (I don't think meat is a bad thing for you per se, but I do think factory farmed meat is a bad thing), partly a preference, I just never have liked meat, milk, or eggs all that much.

So, at home, we don't buy much of those things (the kids occasionally beg for chicken, so I do keep some in the freezer), and when I eat out, if there is a vegetarian option, that's what I get.

So that means, I eat a fair amount of tofu. I probably have it three or more times a week. I also use soy milk on my morning cereal (if I have cereal), and I used to start the day with a soy milk shake that had vitamins, flax seed oil and fiber in it. I stopped doing the soy shake when I started chemo, and I have not returned to it yet.

So, here's the question: should someone who has had an estrogen positive tumor eat soy?

I get varying answers. My surgeon says to avoid it. An oncologist from UCLA says eat all I want.

Since is does not convert directly into estrogen, but is rather estrogen-like, and I'm on Tamoxifen to take care of the estrogen issue anyway, I'm inclined to keep soy as a part of my diet.

What do you think?

DDR and Cosmopolitans

2007-11-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

Let's see.

I finally have enough hair that I can walk around in public without drawing attention. I know because I was at the health food store yesterday. I mentioned that I was getting treated for cancer and the ladies looked shocked. Cool! I'm glad I mentioned it because it turns out that our local health food store has a cancer wellness club. They will give me a 10 to 20 percent discount on everything that I buy! I'm all excited about it since I go to health food stores pretty often.

I tried this stuff called kombucha tea. I got the mango flavor. It is a raw food that is supposed to be loaded with probiotics and enzymes, so I thought I would try it. I was driving so my husband opened it for me in the car, and it exploded all over him. Turns out that it is carbonated! We were running errands, so he ended up going all over town with orange spots all over his pants. It has a unique taste to be sure, but not bad, so try it if you want, but hold it away from your lap when you open the bottle!

I'm still doing the master cleanse drink twice a day too, when I don't run out of organic lemons. It turns out that one lemon is good for two drinks, or one day's worth. I drastically underestimated how many lemons to buy compared to how many jugs of distilled water and how much molasses. I found out that Kroger's does have organic lemons now, so at least I don't have to hike it up to Wild Oats to get more next time I run out.

The steri strips on my portacath scar are down to the size of a quarter. They should not last much longer because I can't quite playing with the edges. I wonder what it looks like under there.

My energy level goes through cycles during the day. I can pretty much count on spending some time at about 70% of normal, and some time around 30% or so. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with my activity level. I just get tired when I get tired. The great part is that I can rest a little then be ready to go again! Resting works now!

I had a fun week. I ordered Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii from Amazon and it got here the very next day. I am not usually very enthusiastic about video games, I make fun of my kids and my niece for looking like morons as they stare at the screen for hours. The Wii is a whole different thing though, and I love it.

DDR consists of a program that has pop music songs, and various levels of dances that go with the songs. You have a mat that you put on the floor, and you dance on the mat, following arrows that scroll on the screen. A friend came over Friday night and she and my niece and I had Cosmopolitans and danced until past midnight - it was hilarious. The kids have been having friends over and dancing for hours every day since it got here. That's what I like about the Wii, the games are physically active, and more fun if you play with others. This is the very first video game that I have ever ordered for myself. It has a workout mode too. Like I'll ever be able to get my kids and friends off the mat long enough for me to try it in workout mode.

The Gilmore Girls entire series pack arrived too. That was much awaited around here. I pre-ordered it, so we had to wait a couple of weeks for it to be released. We were stuck between season two and season three. My 10 year old called me at work to let me know when it got here, he was so excited. We have been having Gilmoregirlathons in the evening since it got here. We all settle in to watch a couple of episodes together and I crochet the blanket that I'm working on for my son. He picked the yarn out last weekend, and I am already more than half way done with it.

I love making this for him. As I crochet, I spent some time thinking about how much I love him and making wishes that he has this blanket for years, and that he will always feel safe and loved when he is wrapped up in it. I made it extra wide, so he should be able to really bundle up in it, even when as he grows. It is taking tons of yarn, I'm three skeins into it so far. Winter is a nice time to work on it too, I spread it out over my legs as I work on it.

We also bought some new furniture this weekend. A DVD cupboard (here's the cool thing, my son carried it into the sunroom for me, and I was able to empty out and dust the old cupboard and fill up the new one right away, after doing errands all morning! HA!), a glass table for the alcove in my front hall, and some theater seats for the sunroom. They pretty much violate my "I will NOT have barcalounger looking furniture with CUP HOLDERS" rule, but damn, they are comfortable, and we found them at a clearance warehouse, so the price was right. It is three recliner seats in a row, they are made of a putty colored suede and separated by brown leather arms that yes, have cup holders in them. They are way cushy and they recline all the way back, so you can really stretch out. I think they are fairly ugly, but soon to become the favorite place in the house. I can live with that! They will be delivered on Monday. I was laughing pretty hard at us as we all stood around the warehouse, debating if the chairs would fit in the sunroom without getting in the way of playing DDR!! We can't buy anything that will interfere with bustin a move!

Thinking of Other Things

2007-11-15T05:56:00.000-08:00

My inner dialog is finally changing.

Instead of thinking about how I'm feeling, wondering if I will be all right, and obsessing over what I can do to help myself, I'm starting to have large chunks of time when I'm just living, you know, focusing on what I have to do today, planning for the good things coming up like the holidays and my trip to Italy. Listening to the weather reports because I will be out in it, caring about traffic reports for the same reason.

Finally, my mind is turning outward.

I'm re-joining the rest of the world again.

Sure, I still have to think about taking care of myself, and I get little reminders of that through the day, but my entire perspective has changed, my physical wellbeing is not my entire focus, its just another piece in the mosaic of my day.

Boris and Natasha

2007-11-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

Progress is slow this week.

I have a little more hair which is very nice. I can't wait for the day that I look ill advised instead of just ill.

The strips on my portacth are smaller, I trim them every time they start to peel off. I can see a little bit of the stitches on both sides now. It feels great, no problems even with seat belts.

Hot flashes were doing better, but they returned to being out of control today. I was at work the whole time and by late afternoon I was exhausted. I don't know why they wear me out, but they do.

My energy level is much better than any treatment week, but I'm still not even close to my old self.

My brain and speech are still a problem. I have trouble remembering things many times a day, and I trip over my words. I'm hoping that it is endearing instead of frustrating!

Real life is flooding back fast, and I am mostly glad to see it. But I admit, I'm intimdated by it too. My days are starting to be long and jam packed and people are counting on me to do things again. I sure hope that I'm up for it. Currently, I just take it one day at a time and refuse to worry about or even think about the next day until it gets here.

I had a nice treat today. I went out to lunch with a friend from work, to a Russian restaurant.

The food was amazing. We started with a basket of bread that was so hearty that it was a challenge to chew. Then our lunch came with tea - red, black, or green. I had green which was very good. My friend had red which turned out to be hibiscus. He loved it. The tea was served with what I can only describe as Russian biscotti. Little hard toasts of some sweet fruit bread. It was fabulous. Lunch came with a choice of soups, we both had borsch, a beet and cabbage soup in an enormous bowl. It was terrific and surprisingly hearty since it was a clear soup. It was also very warming which was hard for me because I kept hot flashing while I was eating it. After soup came salad. A choice between two. I got the fresh one that had cucumbers, onions, tomatoes, red peppers and parsley. It was fantastic and of course, came in a huge bowl. My friend had the potato salad that had peas and sausage in it. I got a bite and it was very tasty.

OK, by now we had been eating for at least a half an hour straight and we had not even seen our entrees yet. By now I was already full. I got a huge plate that was half buttered pasta and half a cabbage roll that was enormous. I took a couple of bites that were very good, and gave the rest to my friend. He had beef stroganoff. I had a couple of the mushrooms. It was excellent, and had some kind of taste or spice that I've never had before.

We were both groaning by this time and joking that next time we get there we will wear pants with elastic.

After all that, the check came with a chocolate treat for each of us. There was only one lady there, I think she did everything including cook. She took your order then disappeared until she brought each course out. After we finished eating, she hovered to make sure we liked the food, you could tell that she was really hoping we would and she was proud of it. I want to eat there every day just to keep her in business because she clearly poured her heart into making all this food. It was kind of like visiting one of my Canadian aunties who work endless magic in the kitchen.

And what did we pay for this table that was covered with food?

$15!!! That's all! For both of us. Lunch there consists of six different choices, all for around $7 each.

Oh yah, and I forgot to mention, they were playing music that just had to come from a CD called "Favorite Russian 80's Party Tunes". I loved it. There was another party of two eating while we were there, they were speaking in Russian, which added a lot of atmosphere too. Only one other American couple was there.

I can't wait to go back there! I think I will just order some fantastic soup or a salad though, the lunch combo was way too much for me!

By the time I got home this evening, I felt pretty bad. I was tired and clammy from all the hot flashes, I also had this wierd pain in my right chest, above my breast. It bothered me off and on all day. That is not the one that was radiated, so who knows what that's about.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I took a bath with "Tired Old Ass" bath salts. I bought them because I liked the smell and you really can't beat the name. Turns out that I do like them. I also sipped this master cleanse stuff. My chiropractor recommended that I do a week long detox. I said I didn't feel ready for something like that quite yet. She she recommended that I drink this master cleanse mixture twice a day for now. It is distilled water, organic molasses, organic lemon juice and some cayenne pepper. I sipped it while I was in the bath. It tastes every bit as interesting as you think it does, so it was rough going for the first half or so. I did get used to it, and found the last few sips easier.

Either the bath or the drink or the two together really helped though. I'm feeling much better now.

First Radiation Follow Up

2007-11-12T06:53:00.000-08:00

I had my first radiation follow up appointment this morning.

She was not suprised to see how well my skin has healed. I thought she would be! She said everybody recovers quickly.

She said I can go back to my regularly scheduled life now. I do need one of my oncology doctors to see my every 3 months, but they don't have to overlap, so we scheduled my next appointment with her for six months from now.

She said it is also time for me to get a mammogram on the affected breast. I asked if it would hurt more than usual since I'm still a little sensitive from the radiation, she said that it shouldn't. I see my surgeon for a follow up next week, so I'm sure she will order one then. I admit I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not worried about the results, I've just been through a lot and I don't really want to add another medical appointment and a boob smash to all the rest.

I'm supposed to have mammograms every six months on the one side, every year on the other, so now my boobs are going to be out of sync.

Visiting Friend

2007-11-11T18:10:00.000-08:00

As I said, I had to go to work on Friday while my friend from Florida stayed at my house. She surprised me by deep cleaning my kitchen!! What a thoughtful thing to do! She embarrassed my housekeeper when he came in because she did a better job than he does! I can't tell you how nice it was to walk in to a sparkling kitchen when I don't have the strength to get it that clean myself.

She was so helpful all weekend. She did tons of dishes so I didn't have to. She made breakfast for the kids on Sunday. She did so much, and I was so tired, that I'm sure she even did stuff that I don't know about.

I was pretty much speechless. I don't really know how to thank a friend who drops everything and flies up just to see me and to help me out! That was so generous, kind, thoughtful, wonderful.

She also brought all the supplies that my niece and I needed to learn how to make chemo hats.

It's a little harder than I anticipated, and there are quite a few rows where you really need to pay attention and count, but I am proud to say that I made two of them over the weekend! I made mine out of plain yarn, I have not tried to use the fun fur yet, that's the next step. I don't think I will ever be able to teach anyone like she did. She could just take a look at what I did and immediately see what I did wrong and explain how to fix it. She was really patient too. When I made the first one, I just blindly followed instruction. By the time I made the second one I started to understand more of why I was doing the different stitches and how they worked together to form the right shape.

My niece also made two and my friend made more than that. By the end of the weekend, I had a few new hats for myself and a whole bag of hats to give away.

It was great to see her again. And so sweet of her to help me around the house. And amazing of her to bring the supplies and patiently teach us to crochet hats. We spent most of our time sitting around the table together, and that was great.

In the early days after I was diagnosed, I was sitting with a friend who went through cancer years ago. He is doing great, and he really does not talk about it. I only know because he has a scar on his throat in the same place as my mom did so I was impertinant enough to ask about it. Well, after I told him what I had, he talked a little more about what he went through and tears welled up in his eyes as he talked about all the things that people did for him. At the time I asked him why it made him cry - didn't it make him feel good to know how many people loved him? What's sad about that?

I have the answer now. Oh, yes it does feel good to be so loved, but there is also the tinge of sadness that you can't escape when you see your friends going so far out of their way for you. While it is comforting and beautiful for them to rally round you, you can't help but wish that they did not need to, that you did not need so much help, and that they did not look at you with so much affection and concern. I'm not explaining it very well, but I sure do understand it now.

How Dry I Am

2007-11-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

OK, the party was wonderful.

We had a room at a local bar/restaurant with pool tables, darts and plenty of places to sit. My friends got a cake and decorated with balloons.

I'd say there were about 25 people there. And they were wonderful people. All my friends from work, and few members of my family. All there to wish me well and show their support. That was an amazing feeling. It was cool to celebrate the end of all of this, and it was amazing to feel good enough to enjoy it.

I had FIVE drinks. Um, yep, I said five. Over five hours fortunately.

I had three Cosmopolitans and some dinner. After those three, I started walking around the room hugging everyone. That was fun. My husband is still teasing me about it. So is my niece. I guess we now know for sure that I am one of those affectionate drunks.

Then a couple of friends wanted me to try something called a "Washington Apple". It was good. Watch out though, it tastes like a Jolly Rancher, but it packs a punch.

We decided to move to another restaurant where a friend sings and plays guitar, so we all went to go see him.

Someone sent me a shot of tequila. I drank it. It tasted like paint thinner. I feel fairly safe in saying I will never drink that again. Ugh! It was foul, it sure was efficent though. Whew!

I got home around 10:30 (yes, I had a designated driver, in fact I had two of them). I drank a glass of water, and drank another one when I woke up at 4 a.m. I was too lazy to take a Tylenol.

My friend from Florida got here while I was at the party. She was here when I got home. She flew in too late to make it up to where the party was, and I didn't see much of her the next day either since I had to go to work.

I woke up feeling fine the next day. So I figured I got away with it. I didn't know that hangovers can be delayed. I felt fine the whole day, and got through work with no problems.

I started to feel awful on my drive home from work, and by the time I got home, I felt even worse. I had a headache and my stomach was very unhappy. My husband thought seeing me with a hangover was about the funniest thing in the world. I barely picked at my dinner, food just sounded awful!

I didn't mind it too much, I figure I can do this ONCE. I have no desire to do it again though, I can tell you that!

Chemo Brain Strikes Again

2007-11-08T10:48:00.001-08:00

I didn't post it here, but a couple of weeks ago, I felt up for taking a "spa" shower.

I used to do those every Sunday morning. Spa shower just means that I put a mask on my face for a few minutes before I shower, I use a sugar scrub, I deep condition my hair, and I take a little extra time on any duties that arrive like shaving. Yah, yah, it's true, if I could polish my toes in the shower, you know I would!

Well, I was pretty excited to be up for doing all that, and I enjoyed it. When I got dressed afterwards is when I realized that I HAD ONLY SHAVED ONE LEG!! Holy crap, that's never happened! How could I forget that I have TWO legs?

Since then chemo brain has reared its goofy head a couple of times (parking in front of the bank when I went there to drive through the ATM, forgetting the name of a good friend WHILE I am talking to them, har har, that one is a ton of fun).

Today's might qualify as most funny though. As I was getting dressed this morning, I discovered that last night, instead of throwing my underwear into the dirty clothes bin, I threw it into the TRASH!!

That's just funny!! Though it does make me worry a little about what else I might have thrown out over the last few months....

My niece is starting to make chemo jokes now. She said she had invented a new game show, teach someone who is on chemo to do something, if they can still do it ten minutes later, you win a car!

Par-tay

2007-11-08T03:23:00.001-08:00

This evening, my friends at work are throwing an end of treatment party for me at a bar up by work.

I can't wait!

They all make fun of me because when we go out for drinks I always have just one and a full glass of water. I didn't drink for years and years and I guess I have just never gotten the hang of it. And since I don't do it often anyway, I'm a real lightweight. For years, my husband has said if you want to take me drinking, I'm a cheap date, if you want to take me out for dinner, that's when it gets expensive.

But tonight I think I'll have TWO! LOL I have a designated driver lined up and everything.

I'm hoping to drink just enough to do something embarrassing. What should it be? Dance like Elaine? Recite naughty limericks? "Free Bird" air guitar? So many to choose from!

The cool thing is that I feel up for it.

Things Are Looking Up

2007-11-07T05:33:00.000-08:00

I had a great day on Monday.

I worked from home and was able to remember to handle some domestic stuff too like getting the bag full of give away items out on the front step for the Amvets (they yelled at me once when I forgot to leave it out - I was horrified and didn't donate anything to them for quite a while until I got over it) and to wrap a birthday present and another little pick me up present for friends at work.

I even went to contra, and I DANCED. True, my favorite partner was Bob who is at least 80 if not 90 and therefore totally my speed right now, but I was out there, I was dancing, and I was carefree and enjoying the music and my friends. We only stayed for an hour, but it was a glorious hour. I did not get out of breath quite as fast and for the first time since this all started, I didn't get dizzy when I swung around. Yippee! I feel like throwing a party every time I see any little sign of progress, and I've had lots of those little signs this week.

I had to rest after taking my shower on Tuesday, normally the first signs of an "uphill" kind of day. So I rested for about 20 minutes then hit the road to go to work. I got there earlier than usual and stayed later. My attention wandered pretty bad at one meeting, but I suspect that was more due to boring technical subject matter than to me being tired. I felt good all day.

I was even up for going to knitting group. My niece has totally showed me up by finishing her first project. It's a lovely dark grey crocheted scarf and it looks great. She donated it to a school last night and she was so proud. She started work on a prayer shawl using a gorgeous homespun yarn. One of the members of the group called her a natural. Meanwhile, I unraveled more than half of mine for the millionth time. She felt bad for me but I really don't mind. I enjoy it and I'm fine if I suck at it while I'm learning. If I'm still working on this same stupid scarf a year from now, well, then I'll get concerned.

We have not seen each other much lately so my niece and I gabbed at lightning speed the entire time we were working on our projects. I kind of feel sorry for the group. They don't know me yet and are probably seriously wondering what they got into when I joined now. It felt so good to feel like chatting and laughing that I just couldn't stop!

I also got a wonderful e-mail from my medical oncologist (for those of you who are lucky enough not to know the terminology, that means he is the chemo guy). He has a real gift for perfect timing and encouragement. He wrote to mention of a few things that I have to be thankful for and to say that I'll be in great shape for the trip to Italy in a month. I was so glad to hear that. My husband was so relieved that he booked the tickets.

We have different flights now. Air France with a plane change in PARIS!!! I won't see much of Paris other than the airport, but I will know that I was there, and my husband says that I will see the Eiffel Tower and the alps from the plane! AWESOME!! We will have three hours at de Gaulle so that should be time to get from one gate to another, buy a pastry and coffee and at least soak up some atmosphere. OK, I know I'm a dork for being excited about just seeing the airport in Paris, but so what, I'm still over the moon about it.

And when I woke up this morning, I wasn't exhausted, I was refreshed. I have not taken my shower yet which is first real test of how the day is going to go, but I have gotten both the kids to school and done some work already and I feel great.

I lost the little mohawk ridge at the top of my head a couple of days ago. I guess my hair is too "long" (har har, it is still less than half an inch at this point) to want to stand up in the middle any more. I kind of miss it. It didn't look good, but it sure was funny.

My hair is almost long enough to look like I might have cut it this way on purpose. Almost. I still wear caps a lot, but now I wear them for warmth, not to cover up the fact that I look like Telly Savalas.

My energy level is not up to normal yet, but it is the best it has been for MONTHS.

My radiated skin is healing quickly. It even feels like normal skin now and it almost back to normal color, not quite, but almost. I still have two sore spots, under my arm which is one of the places that the burns seemed worse, and under my breast on my ribcage which is part of the area that got the booster treatments. They are both sore in a different way. I'll bring it up when I see my radiologist for a follow up next week. I still put aloe vera and tamanu oil on the area every day. But I can put it on lightly so I don't feel all gooped up and gross. And I can wear a bra comfortably all day. That alone is reason to celebrate for me because I feel better, for my children because they can open their eyes again. LOL The site of mom without a bra all day was a little much for them.

The hot and cold flashes are still with me, but they happen less often and are mostly milder now. They have stopped being debilitating and settled for being merely annoying and tiring.

My portacath scar still has the steri strips on it. It is much less sensitive now. I don't carry my purse on that side, but I can sleep on it, and it doesn't bother me at all during the day. My younger son accidentally kicked it and then dropped a warmie on it one night when were were snuggled up watching a movie, that hurt at the time, but it didn't stay sore. I love being able to see my neck without seeing the little cord under my skin.

I am almost two months past my last chemo treatment, two weeks past my last radiation treatment and a week past my "smoky mountain" portacath removal.

Progress is slower than I'd like, but in the rare moment when I have some perspective, I think I am getting better at lightning speed.

I've even belly laughed, giggled and hooted lately. And boy, does it feel GREAT.

Buona Fortuna?

2007-11-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

Lots going on here over the last three days.

On Friday, I asked my boss (via e-mail) if I could take a week off to go to Italy in December with my husband. He has to go for business, so most of the trip would be paid for by his company and he invited me along!

I was very concerned when I asked her. I'm not going into the office every day yet, and I was worried that she would wonder what the heck I think I'm doing going to another country when I can't drag my butt into the office.

It took her a while to reply, so I sent her a second e-mail pouring my heart out. I told her that if she thought I was an idiot for taxing myself too much, or if she thought I was taking advantage by using the time that way that I would understand and I would not go.

I didn't put this part in the e-mail, but I really would understand if she felt that way, and I could just use that week of time off to rest around the house at Christmas time which is what I had originally planned. I always save some time off for the holidays. For me it isn't Christmas if I don't have the time at home to make cookies with the kids and deliver them to friends and neighbors, and if I don't have time to sit in front of the fire sipping hot chocolate or even better, a Cosmopolitan, and look out the window at the snow. Christmas is about slow family time at home for me and always has been.

She sent back a reply that was so sweet that it made me cry. She was totally supportive, she recognized that for me the trip is a once in a lifetime experience and she did not want me to miss out. She said she was confident that I will return to the office as soon as I can, and until then, the rest of the team has me covered.

So, with a lot of tears and hiccups, I told my husband to book my ticket along with his.

I was so excited! I get to go to Italy! I get to shake my fist at cancer from Venice!! It feels amazing to be able to say that you can knock me down repeatedly for months on end and what do I do? I go to EUROPE!! That made me feel like no matter how hard the travel would be on me, it would be worth it. What an amazingly good thing after so many months of hard and painful things.

So that evening, I took a little walk with my husband and the kids, and I was pretty much soaring. As I walked, I saw all the pictures that I've ever seen of Venice and the canals, the museums, the fountains, St. Mark's, the winery in Verona that my husband visits on every trip, all those things that I've marveled over in books and travel videos in my mind and I realized that in a month, I will get to see them for myself.

The trip would be very low key. We would fly into Verona which is where our hotel is. We would get there 3 days before his clients, and we could just sit around or take day trips to Venice or Milan if I feel up to it. His clients would join us on Saturday. I would need to have dinner with them every night, and take them shopping if I'm up for it. If I'm not, my husband can take them into Venice, and I'll stay back in Verona. So since we could be so flexible and adjust the day according to how I'm doing, I felt that I really could make this trip.

On Saturday, a friend came over to work in the garden. I usually work along with him in the spring and fall to get all the chores done. This time around, I was not feeling well, so he did all the work while I rested and occasionally went outside to give him new things to do. I was very disappointed that it was so hard for me to move around, I had big plans for that day!

On Sunday, I felt better. I was able to get going and move around quite a bit. I even made a nice pot of soup, cleaned out the pantry and fridge, and made the grocery list. On Sunday evening, I went to the grocery store with my husband. Going there wears me out. We had a long list and ended up with a very full cart. We got it all home and the kids surprised us by putting it all away for us. I have been going along to the store every Sunday for the past few weeks, and I always come back totally worn out from it. But I think it's worth it. It keeps my day fairly normal, I feel like I'm doing something useful, and even when I feel bad, I think moving around is good for me. It's just hard is all. And it shows.

So my husband started to panic. He became very worried that I am not up for this trip and that it would be too hard on me and I would not get anything out and would just be miserable.

I share his concerns about my strength, but I don't agree. I have another whole month to build myself up before we leave. We have a long enough layover in New York that I should not have to do any running and rushing in the airport. I'll bring something to help me sleep on the plane. We have no rigid plans for any specific day, so I can rest pretty much whenever I need to. Plus, those canny Italians take a break in the middle of every day! Man, they are smart! I can plan to be resting every day when all the shops and restaurants are closed.

If I took the trip last year, I would have been much more ambitious. I would have tried to get to Rome as well, and I would have had a list as long as my arm of all the things that I just HAD to see. Heck, I would have jam packed in as much of that glorious boot shaped country as I possibly could! I want to see it all, taste it all, do it all.

But this time around my goals are much different. I want to see St. Mark's square, maybe sit outdoors and have a gelato there. I want to do a little Christmas shopping in Venice. I want to eat too much pasta, and drink too much wine. I want to take evening strolls. I'm also hoping to make it to Peggy Guggenheim's villa which is now a museum. I don't have to get much out of this trip to still get a ton out of it. Just being there sounds like enough to me. I plan to come home and be entirely obnoxious - saying ciao and scusi at totally inappropriate times and whining about how hard it is to get a good espresso around here. LOL

This is the first time that I would go to Europe. We have thought of it many times, and I've always put it off due to work, or the kids, or reluctance to spend the money. I also usually refuse to travel during the month of December. One of my sons has his birthday and there is just too much to do here between that and Christmas.

So going with only a month's notice, going in December, and going when I'm not feeling all that great would have been enough in the past to make me pass this trip up. But cancer has taught me not to put things off forever. Not all decisions should be entirely practical. I need to get out there and live a little! If anything, all the good reasons not to go just make me want to do it even more! I need to do something that flies in the face of caution! Take a little risk.

I think I need a t-shirt or a tattoo that says "If not now, when?" Or maybe I'll just learn how to say that in Italian.

Halloween

2007-11-01T05:52:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

Of course, I love Christmas and Thanksgiving, but Halloween is the one that I look forward to the most.

This year was more subdued. I did a slacker job on decorating the house. I did not dress in a costume with elaborate makeup like I do every year, I don't have the energy for that. My 10 year old went to his school Halloween party alone (at his request) and trick or treated last night alone (again at his request). I suspected that he wanted to go alone to spare me, but when I asked him why he just said he was getting older and more independent. Later, my niece told me that he was worried that I could not keep up with him. He was right, I could not have kept up with him at the party, or through two hours of trick or treating. In a way I'm glad that he is kind and thinking of me, but I'm also sad that my kid has to change our holiday traditions due to my health. Limitations just really suck sometimes.

So this year I sat on a patio chair out in the street with my neighbors. They made me some kind of chocolate flavored shot (I sipped it the whole evening - it was sweet, sticky, and had the consistency of glue, I'm getting the feeling that I will never really get the hang of doing shots) and I sat and gave out candy with my husband. The local news station set up their camera right across from us so we were on TV, I didn't get a chance to see it though.

We sat by some tiki torches. I could smell the smoke and the bitter smell of the fuel. It bugged me. After I got home I spent some time obsessing over it. I was worried that it got into my lungs and was bad for me. Even at the time, I knew that was silly, but I don't have my usual sense of invulnerability and perspective back yet. This was a sure sign to me that I still feel pretty fragile. Yuck.

I don't really enjoy anything either. I know that I'm doing something that I would normally enjoy, I just can't feel it. And nothing sounds fun enough to be worth doing. I usually spend weeks planning my costume, this year I really didn't care. That part of me is still numb somehow.

I still have trouble casually chatting, its like I've lost the knack. I don't roust my friends up anymore (a close friend described me as a "punk" the other day, and she was right), I don't do "big cheesey" (the name for my very biggest grin that I pull out when I ask someone to do me a favor), I don't spontaneously burst into song and dance in the kitchen. I've totally lost my goofiness and sense of fun. And I have no idea how to get it back. I guess it will just take time.

I really hate being all tired and sad and drippy all the time. I hate that I can't just turn my old life back on with the flip of a switch. I hate that I can feel all the hard emotions like being sad, anxious, afraid, and worried, but the fun ones like joy, pleasure, and mischief are not there to give me some balance.

I know plenty of things that I can do to restore my physical health, and I am doing all of those, but I don't know how to nurse myself back to being emotionally healthy. I guess I am still in shock from the whole thing. So in the meantime, I go out of my way to do things that I would normally enjoy, I totally vent by doing this blog, and I try to keep on the quiet side to I don't drag all my friends and family down here with me.

The World's Ugliest Christmas Ornament

2007-10-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

I still have the three steri-strips over the stitches where my portacath was removed, so I don't really know how it looks yet, but other than that, I am stitches, marks, stickers, fresh burn and appliance free. And it feels GOOD.

The portacath area does not hurt all the time anymore. Now I just get reminder twinges when I move my arm or shoulders in ways that affect the muscles there. Which I do a lot. It's like when your hurt a muscle in your back only to discover that you use your back muscles to do everything. Well, it turns out that you use your chest muscles every time that you use your arms for anything, even something small like typing or bringing a cup up to your lips. Makes sense, but you don't get around to thinking about that until it hurts for some reason. But, I can totally live with that. It bothered me a few times last night, but I went to bed without any meds and woke up refreshed!! Yah-hoo! I'm beginning to think that this thing really won't have me in its grip forever.

I got an interesting e-mail from my brother today. He suggested making a Christmas ornament out of my portacath. I like that idea. I do plan to keep some souvenirs of this time. I don't know yet how I'm going to do that. I was thinking something like getting a pretty box, filling it up with my portacath, some caps that I just can't let go of, and my files and then just putting it down in the basement.

But if I make the world's ugliest and most expensive Christmas ornament out of the portacath, I will see it every year, and as I put it on the tree, I can take a moment to breathe a sigh of relief and say a few words of thanks that I'm still here decorating the tree for another year. I'm going to think about it. It's a strange idea to hang some metal thing that was in your body once on the tree, and yet its not a strange idea at all. The holidays are a natural time to remind yourself of all the things that make you feel grateful. So I'm starting to think now of ways to mark this milestone, that's a nice change and yet another step away from being a patient and toward being a survivor.

Portacath Removal

2007-10-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

I had my portacath removed yesterday.

It was so important to me! I just could not feel like this was all over until that thing was gone.

So....was it a long painful process? No. Was is a DISCONCERTING one? Oh, yes, it sure was.

I had to get to the surgery place an hour early to get prepared. They took me into a room with a reclining chair instead of a bed. I had to take all my clothes off (because there were metal grommets on my pants) and put on a hospital gown, socks (this place always gives you socks to keep your feet warm, I love that), and a paper hat. They came and asked questions and took my vitals. They did not give me any medications. I wish I had known that, I think it would have been a good idea for me to take a Xanax a couple of hours before. I did remember not to wear any jewelry except my toe rings. I remembered to take those off at the last minute, and my husband held on to them along with my glasses and my purse.

They let me walk to the operating room on my own, and I got to hop up onto the bed (I do mean hop, that thing is way up there). They had this amazing blanket that is made out of paper with holes in it and hooked up to a heated blower. They put it over me to keep me warm. Then they hooked up the blood pressure cuff and finger thing that takes your pulse.

They propped up the back of the bed so I was partially sitting up, and covered the area with these blue towels. Then I got the lidocaine shot. That hurt. It burned and stung for quite a while as she worked the eerily long needle into various spots to make sure she got the whole area.

I could not see my chest, but I could see all the tools they were using. First she made a cut with a scalpel, then she grabbed this laser thingy. It made a crackling sound, and made smoke. The surgeon said it was indeed burning my flesh as she worked down through the layers. I broke out into a full body sweat. It didn't really hurt, though I could feel tiny little shocks from it. I just had problems with the wisps of smoke and SMELLING MYSELF BURNING!

Then I could feel tugging as they worked the portacath out of the pocket that had been made for it in my chest. After that I could feel tugs as she stitched the cut up. She put steri-strips over the stitches.

They used a wheelchair to take me back to the lounge chair room so I could change back into my clothes. They don't give out pain meds for this procedure, they just recommend Tylenol. To hell with that - I had some Percocet left and put it to good use.

They also cleaned up the portacath and let me bring it home. For some reason, I like having it. I showed it to the kids, and I spent some time looking at it and reveling in the fact that it is now in a plastic packet instead of being in my chest. I like it much better where it is now.

A couple hours after I got home, the area got a reddish looking streak around it, and you could see that it was swelling. I put ice on it. By morning, the reddish mark was gone.

It has been fairly uncomfortable today, not agonizing, just uncomfortable.

I took a sick day just so I could rest. And I really did just rest. I re-heated pizza for lunch and spent the day dozing and watching Gilmore Girls DVD's.

I really needed a slacker day, and it felt good to take this time for myself. During this whole thing, I have spent days in bed of course, but always because I had to. This time I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to be kind to myself and just take some time to heal.

Which is it? Hot Blooded or Cold As Ice?

2007-10-25T08:51:00.001-07:00

I had a long day at work yesterday. And a long one on Monday. I'm getting tired.

Last night was the first night that I didn't take a Percocet at bedtime. Yeah!! And I slept fairly well. I still got up a few times, but I got back to sleep easily.

The burns on the boosted area are taking their time to heal. They are still very red and itchy and the skin feels tough to the touch. If I had a leather jacket that felt like that, I'd buy a cream and treat it. It does not feel like skin that should be on a person, that's for sure.

The other areas that got radiation but got to skip last week are starting to look more like a tanning bed accident, or George Hamilton's face. The skin there is still sensitive too. It hurts sometimes during the day, and it still yells at me when I'm rubbing creams and oils in. The area towards my armpit is currently the most offended by the whole thing.

I'd say the biggest problems that I have right now are fatigue and temperature changes. On my drive in on Monday, I spent the whole hour changing the thermostat on my car from coldest setting to hottest setting about every five minutes. When I go into meetings, I start out with two or three layers and a hat on, and at some point it probably all comes off, then gets put back on again. The hot flashes are bothersome to be sure, but the cold ones are even stranger. My skin will feel hot to the touch, but I am freezing on the inside. A cold flash often follows a hot one. I'm not sure I can adequately convey just how annoying, exhausting, and occasionally embarrassing this is. Oh, yah, and I also get out of breath ridiculously easily.

I am working from home today, and glad for the break from my commute, from non-stop meetings, and from being around people. I never realized how much energy it takes just to chat. Turns out that it is more than I have.

I also went to see my acupuncture lady.

This time some of the needles were slid in sideways, under the skin. Huh. I could feel it when they went in, I didn't really hurt, I could just feel them going under my skin mostly, a couple stung a little. Other needles were just poked in and standing up fairly straight. I thought that was pretty interesting. I had needles in my head, forehead, neck, chest, arms, legs, and feet. I did spend some time wondering if I could pick up FM signals.

I enjoyed the time that I spent laying there in the dark, relaxing (although someone in another room was fairly noisy and I had to use some effort to keep my mind from wondering what on earth was going on over there). I do feel more relaxed and a little sleepy after each treatment. It is still helping with the arthritis in my thumbs. Now we are working on helping with being out of breath, healing from burns, and trying to even out my thermostat. I sure hope it starts to help with that!

Plugging Along

2007-10-23T04:05:00.001-07:00

I went to the chiropractor yesterday morning. I had two ribs knocked out of place, not one.

She got them back in easily, so it doesn't hurt to breath any more. The areas on the front and back of my side still hurt like crazy to the touch. I've had ribs go out about three times in the last 10 years. If I look back at the timing, it was always during times of great stress and exhaustion. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it happened now. It does feel like getting kicked when you are down though.

Then I went into work for meetings. One meeting was cancelled (at the last minute AGAIN - chuh!), but another one popped up to take its place. I went to lunch with my friends. We ate outside. It was a refreshing little escape.

I had a lot of work to do, so by the time I looked at the clock it was past 4:30 and raining. I knew I was screwed as far as traffic goes, so I went over to catch up on things with my boss. We always have a lot to talk about, so I knew it would take a while.

I ended up not leaving work until after 6. I was tired, but doing OK. I had some sushi style spring rolls that I picked up at Wild Oats to snack on, and I figured I would have an easier ride home because I let the traffic go by first (I was wrong about that part, things were still a total mess due to the rain). When I got home, my husband was furious that I stayed at work so late after having such a hard day yesterday. He was mad because he didn't think I was taking good care of myself.

We talked about why I decided to stay late, and he calmed down pretty quickly. We both knew that he was mad because he cares.

That was an ongoing theme yesterday, people telling me that I should go home. Pretty much all of my friends dropped by and said "why are you here?". I explained that I had meetings to attend, and they universally said "so call in for them".

I do indeed call in for a lot of meetings, but there are others that I choose to attend in person.

Turns out that many people express their care and concern for you by telling you what to do. I make a real effort to be patient with that.

So, how's the bod? Well, the burns on the boosted area are still sore and troublesome. The skin is bright red, tender, and itchy. I still move more slowly and gingerly than usual. I've noticed that since I have less energy, I also have less patience. I'd pretty much describe myself as exhausted but functioning.

I'm not used to living with physical limitations and living with pain. I'm learning though.

Patience

2007-10-21T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had two days without radiation.

Tomorrow, I start my day by NOT going in for a treatment or a doctor's appointment of any kind.

So, mentally, I am so ready to move on, to feel good, to do what I want when I want.

But I still feel awful.

I got in a fair amount of walking on Saturday, it was at a slow pace, but I stayed up and around all day. There were times that I felt really horrible though and I was only standing up due to grim determination.

Sunday, I lounged around watching the old folk's show (that's what I call Sunday Morning), and did not even get out of bed until sometime past 11. I took a quick shower, and that was enough to wear me out. I spent the rest of today being pretty slow and deliberate and getting out of breath easily.

My younger son asked me how long it would take before I felt better. I've heard 3 months, six months, a year. I told him that I didn't know but that I expect that I'll have more good days than bad pretty soon. He said he wanted his old Mom back. The one that smiled all the time.

He sure is perceptive. I've completely lost my enthusiasm, my curiosity, my spark, my lively interest in the world. I really can't wait for those things to come back.

Since I've made the mental jump from patient to survivor, it is very hard to wait to feel better physically. I pretty much wake up disappointed.

Physically, here's the status report: my hair is still getting thicker. Instead of growing any length, it just gets a little more dense every week. You can still see my scalp through it easily. I has the fine texture of baby hair and it's fun to run your hand through. I also have a very subtle mohawk because the hair meets down a line at the top of my head. My energy level is better than the lowest days of last week, but it is still very low. My skin is starting to brown in some places, but the predominant colors are still red and pink. I have not even tried to go a day without lotions all over it. The skin doesn't sting when water touches it anymore though, which is great - that means it's back to the land of lollygagging in the shower and soaking in the tub. That is my most luxurious pastime currently, lounging in water.

Celebrations

2007-10-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

Here's what we did to celebrate.

I went into work for an afternoon meeting. Right as we were getting ready to leave, we had a delivery. A friend from work sent me a bouquet of tiny pink roses in a teacup and saucer. What an amazing surprise! I love it and I'll think of her every time I use that cup.

My husband drove me in, and a friend who lives near me gave me a ride back home. It was nice to have the time with her on our drive back.

There were treats waiting for me when I got to work too. One friend gave me a pumpkin shaped bath scrubbie and a bunch of Moulton Brown bath/shower gels. She is so thoughtful and has been so supportive as I've gone through this. She leaves a treat for me every week. Another friend left me a little desk gargoyle (he is way cute) and the new temporary tattoo that we ordered as a promotional item at the office. It was my idea, and it took about three years to get my boss to try it. I put the tattoo on my bicep right away. So, while I was in the meeting, if I looked over at the other members of my department, I could see their tattoos too! I love that!

I got home just minutes before my husband, who came in bearing Chinese takeout (we get it every Friday night), an assortment of Baklava (just as a treat), and a bouquet of red roses. He had the kids give me the flowers and shout "Happy last day!". My niece joined us for supper and we hung out talking and crocheting for a while.

We were waiting to hear from a friend who wanted us to go out later, so we had a little time. So what did I do? You guessed it! I took a BATH. I used pink grapefruit bath powder, took off the last of the stickers and stayed in there until my friend called. Left on my own, I'm pretty sure I could have stayed in the tub for days. I'm having problems with a rib on my right side, so it hurts to breathe most of the time, and most positions are uncomfortable. I felt great in the tub though, I guess the water provided support. I'm going to try to see my chiropractor today to see if she can help.

Our friend was getting together with a couple of friends, one of whom is currently going through chemo. I got out of the tub and got dressed again to go out. My husband stopped me to read a poem that he wrote for me and posted on his blog. It was sweet and we both got misty while I read it. Then we headed out to the restaurant (while my niece stayed home with the boys) and we stayed until the place closed! I can't remember the last time we just sat around drinking and talking with friends, or the last time we closed a place. We both had a great time.

Low key celebrating and time with so many wonderful people was the perfect and most restorative thing I could have asked for to mark the end of these long hard months. As I looked into the faces of my friends, I really felt that I didn't do this alone, we all got through it together.

Last Day!!!!

2007-10-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

I went in for my last radiation treatment today.

I'm tired, but feeling much better than I have the last few days. The burns are settling down and they don't hurt as much, so I don't have to walk around with a ton of sticky creams on and no bra. Boy, that was just adding insult to injury. I do still have creams on, but I can use a thin film and so far I'm comfortable with just that. I feel so much better that I am wearing normal clothes, no sweats, no baggy t-shirt!

They were running late today, so I froze in the little radiation waiting room. My husband gave me his jacket and it covered me up so much that the radiation ladies couldn't see me when they came to get me.

I wore my new Coach shoes in celebration, and of course, the ladies noticed. Of course I crowed over how little I paid for them.

After my treatment, while I still had my top off, I peeled off the two stickers that were on the sides of my rib cage, the skin there did not get radiation, so it was easy to peel them off. When I came home, I was able to get the three on my breastbone off easily too. So now there are only two stickers left. They are on radiated skin, so I'll just let water run all over them in the shower, and cover them with creams now until they peel off on their own.

The ladies made a certificate of appreciation for me which they all signed and of course, we all hugged. I thanked them for making a painful situation as fun and easy as it could possibly be.

As we were walking out, my husband was shaking his butt at the building in defiance. On my last day, he has been joking that we should spray paint the building or moon the front windows or something. There was a lady standing by the front door, so she started laughing. We stopped to explain that it was my last day, and she stopped to talk. She was there for her three year check up after going through the same treatments. She had eight chemo treatments though, not four. And she is doing great. She said it took her about six months to recover her energy after the treatments.

I love meeting survivors and hearing their stories, it makes me feel like I'm not alone and that it won't be long before I'll be back to normal just like they are. I'm so grateful that they are willing to stop me and talk about it.

One More Day to Go

2007-10-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

I thought I was doing a little better yesterday.

True, I was so tired that it was painful, but I didn't take pain meds all day and I was able to do everything that I needed to do. It was hard, but I could do it.

I got a ton of work done too. I had meetings to attend (by phone), and a ton of projects to work on and e-mail was bringing new work at a steady pace. It felt overwhelming at times, but I just sat here in bed and worked through it. It made the day go by quickly.

I had been putting Tamanu oil all over the burns and they looked better and I was more comfortable that I have been.

Then came the evening.

The burns started to look and feel as bad as ever. I had the surface sting that you get with a new burn, and that sting covered the whole area. I had a horrible headache, and I got so tired that I started to wonder if my heart would still have the energy to keep beating. I tried to remember the symptoms of radiation sickness, but I really could not concentrate. I suppose that was a mercy, I couldn't concentrate enough to get myself all worked up and scared about how bad I felt.

I slathered on a bunch of creams and oils, and I took a Percocet (I still took only one, so I guess we can see that my stubborness is not affected by either chemo or radiation, nice to know something isn't), and after about 45 minutes, I fell asleep. As I was falling asleep, I started getting those internal chills again. I was under the comforter, I could feel that all my skin was warm and toasty, but my insides had the chills. That is one strange sensation. It comes in tingly, icy waves.

I woke up a few times. Around 4 a.m., my huband and I watched an old episode of Bonanza together.

I told the radiation ladies how I felt when I saw them this morning, and they think I'm having a chemo flashback on top of the symptoms from six weeks of radiation.

That makes sense, I suppose, but it sure sucks.

I have one more treatment tomorrow, then I am done. People keep asking me how I am going to celebrate.

I think I am too worn out to celebrate, but I may have just enough energy to feel relieved. My big celebration might be taking all the stickers off and climbing into the tub. I have not been able to wallow in the tub for eight weeks now, a cruel thing for me. The tub is where I go to escape and regroup, and I have not been able to do that because the water would take the stickers come off.

My younger son gave me a card that he made. He could not wait to give it to me tomorrow. It has a big cat face on the front, and inside it says "Life is sometimes like a big battle, you will win this one easily. Happy last treatment!" Then he drew a big picture. In the picture, I am an ATAT from Star Wars, and all of my treatments are a tiny little speck of a robot. Needless to say, the robot is getting his butt kicked by my superior firepower.

Too Tired to Feel

2007-10-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

I went to radiation this morning. All I could manage was sweats and a t-shirt. And of course, no bra. Nice! My husband kindly pointed out that ever since we moved to Kentucky, bras have always been optional.

My youngest son asked me if I would join him for lunch at school today. He mentioned that I have not come by for lunch during all of this time that I have been working from home, and as a bonus, that they were serving a new item today, chicken rice bowl.

Of course I went. As I waited in the hall, the principal stopped by to chat, and I kept waving to all the kids that I knew as they walked by. I used to volunteer in my older son's classroom, so I knew just about everyone then, but it surprised me now how many people I still know. As we were waiting in the cafeteria line, one of his teachers came and got us and moved us to the front of the line so I would not have to stand so long.

The food line was even worse than I remembered. Catering style bins of rice, then one of nasty looking chicken shards, jello, canned mandarin oranges, and tiny red apples.

I got rice, oranges, and an apple. The apple still had the sticker on it which made me wonder if they ever bothered to wash it, and it was sour and hard. Neither of us were up for trying the chicken bits.

Ick. No wonder he wants me to pack for him every day.

I knew all the kids who sat at our table. We talked about video games mostly.

Then I dropped by the oncologist's office to deliver a black pom pom hat to the lady and her daughter who asked me for one a couple of weeks ago. We all hugged, but I got out of there pretty fast, I was just too tired to stay and chat.

And that's pretty much where I am. I'm not suffering. I take a pill if I am, and the skin in some areas is already starting to heal (if you do radiation, go to the health food store and pick up Tamanu oil - it really helped), but I am so tired that I am numb.

Hanging in There

2007-10-17T03:58:00.000-07:00

I took a sick day yesterday.

I had three appointments to go to, but around those, I stayed in bed.

During the morning, we had a rain storm, and I sat in bed with a good book (Barbara Kingsolver, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle), and a cat by my hip as I listened to the rain and watched it fall. It felt so good to know that I could just rest all day. I was so tired, I did not even get up to make a cup of tea for myself.

In the evening, my niece came over to make dinner (a terrific stir fry) and she and the kids did the dishes too, so I did not have to do anything.

A friend called and offered to bring a movie over. So she made it here in time to have dinner with us, and then we settled into my bed to watch the movie. It was "The Long Engagement". I don't think it will end up being my favorite movie, but I sure loved spending the evening with a friend and watching something new. I had not heard of this one. It is in French with subtitles. The scenery was beautiful at times, the characters were interesting and their French was beautiful to hear. And I got a little crocheting done too, the scarf is now about 7 inches long.

I've known the friend who came over last night for about 9 years now. I met her at a job that I only had for a few months (a consulting project). She works with me again now, and she has been in my department for a couple of years. She is teaching a class at work this week, and she taught one last week. So I know how much effort it took for her to call me, come over, and stay late to enjoy the movie. That made it all the more sweet for me, it felt like "stolen time" that we grabbed away from all the cares and worries of the work week.

The movie ended on the late side, so by the time she left, I was very uncomfortable and feeling shaky and frantic. I had a little snack, and took a pain pill. It worked wonders and I got a good night's sleep too.

T Minus Three and Counting

2007-10-16T08:53:00.000-07:00

I had another rough night. I took a pain pill and it did make me more comfortable, but not enough to sleep well. I woke up at 3 as usual, though this time it was from pain, not a hot flash, so I took another pill.

I can take as many as two Percocet every four hours. I have only been taking one so far, and I wait until it hurts enough to take another one, I don't just take one because four hours have passed. I think I'll try taking two when I go to bed tonight. Taking one helps a lot, but it does not stop the pain entirely. Maybe two will make me comfortable enough to get some sleep.

I'm over being reluctant to take them though. Now I'm just glad that there is something I can do to help me get through this.

I took a sick day today so I can stay in bed, get some rest and take as much pain meds as I need without worrying about trying to work too.

I counted more slowly today during my treatment and I made it to 20, so the single booster zap that I'm getting is something around 20 seconds long. All I can say is it manages to feel like a long time when you are going through it.

I have tried every cream and oil under the sun on my skin. I do think they are helping, its just that the burns will continue to get worse as long as I have daily treatments, so there is only so much that the creams can do.

I have only three more treatments left!!

First Boost

2007-10-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

I had my first "booster" treatment today.

They set me up with the scaffold thingy, with the machine pointing straight down at me. They put a gel pack over the area to help slow the radiation down and keep it shallow. That's fascinating to me. The gel pack feels nice for some reason. I got to see the template that is at the end of the scaffold. It is metal (lead I'm guessing) and custom made for each patient. The doctor draws the shape as part of the treatment plan and they have it cut out of metal so they can use the template to control the area that gets radiation. Huh.

I only get one treatment now, instead of five. But it feels very long. I counted to over 30 while the machine was on, but I think I was counting very fast. I'll try one mississippi, two mississippi tomorrow to get a better feel for how long it really is. It is seconds, not minutes, that's for sure.

I saw the doctor today (don't have to see her again for four weeks!) and told her how completely miserable I was over the weekend. It got so bad last night that I took a Percocet. My poor skin is so burned that it is peeling off in spots. They need to keep on going for this last week, so I am supposed to just keep taking Percocets as often as every four hours to just get me through it. Since I am the most stubborn person on the planet, I am not taking meds so far during the day. But I will take one tonight. By night time, I am worn out by the pain, and I know I need the relief, not to mention some sleep. I'll even go so far as to take more if I wake up in the middle of the night due to the pain. But I'm going to try to keep my days as normal as I can. For now.

I also saw the acupuncture lady today. We talked about how I am doing. I don't see any improvement in sleep yet, but the arthritis that I got in both thumbs during chemo is almost totally gone! That's great. I'm also finding it easier to relax. I told her how much the burns hurt, and initially, she asked if she could treat all around the area without actually touching any burnt parts. I said yes. Then she got a look at it and said she didn't want to go anywhere near it! I don't blame her. So she put some needles on the other side of my chest instead.

During this treatment, it was much easier to relax while I was there for the 20 minutes that they leave the needles in.

So far, I think it has been very helpful, and I'm glad I'm trying it.

A Nice Night After All

2007-10-14T06:41:00.000-07:00

I had a couple of invitations yesterday.

First, I was supposed to go to the sold out UC vs. Louisville football game. Good friends of ours invited us to drive down with them and a group of their friends, tailgate a bit, then go to the game. I have never tailgated or been to a pro football game. So on one hand, those tickets sure were going to be wasted on the igonorant if I went!

All day, I debated. I knew I did not feel good enough to go. I knew that. But I wanted to go. I wanted to go to feel normal. I wanted to go just to prove I could. I wanted to go out of sheer stubborness to show that all this just can't keep me down. I wanted to go because I love my friends.

But I didn't go. I was too miserable to face an hour and a half car ride with a bunch of people, and sitting outdoors in a crowded stadium, and staying out so late. I cried when I decided that I would not go.

Later in the afternoon, I got a call from one of my dancing friends, inviting my husband and I out for dinner at an African restaurant before the second Saturday dance. I wanted to do that too, but I skipped it. I wasn't up for the dance for certain, and I was not feeling up to being around people as the day wore on. I was pretty miserable, and not interested in being good company.

So, what did I do? My niece was coming over to stay with the kids since she thought we were going to the game, so my husband took me out for dinner. We went to an Italian restaurant that we had never tried before. The food was excellent. I also had a nice white wine that came from the vineyard that my huband visited in Italy just a few days ago (Bertani, the wine he brought back for us is an Amarone, a red. We are saving it for a special occasion). Between the good wine and the great food, maybe that was our little trip to Italy together.

Then, we were looking for something to do after dinner. We looked at the paper and talked about seeing a movie or going to the symphony or going to Jungle Jim's to see what kinds of Italian wine they stock. I wasn't really up for any of that.

So we ended up at Forest Fair for a walk. If you aren't from around here, you won't know about Forest Fair. It is a HUGE, mostly vacant mall. It has struggled for as long as I've lived here. They got a couple of big stores like Off 5th Avenue, and Bass Pro Shop a few years back, but the place is still at least half empty. We went there just to walk around. I won't say that it was very scenic, but it was nice to just take a walk together. I found an amazing pair of shoes at Off 5th, the fashion find of the year for me, I think. And my husband talked me into buying a leather jacket. It looked nice on me, and it was so sweet of him to find it, get me to try it on, and talk me into buying it. It was also uplifting to look in the mirror and see that the jacket looked so good on me. I don't spend much time feeling that I look good lately.

So even though it was a rough day in a growing line of rough days, I still had a great time. My husband gets all the credit for this one though, if I had been left to my own devices, I would have stayed in bed in a ratty t-shirt. So thanks, honey, for sticking with my sad self and reminding me that while I can't do everything that I want to do right now, I can still have fun.

Vocab

2007-10-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the word "deserve" a lot lately.

Usually, I hear that word when someone is trying to justify a purchase that they can't afford. I have heard it all. "I work so hard, I deserve these $400 boots", or "I deserve this vacation" or whatever. I have never understood that mentality. If you can't afford it, don't do it. The way I look at it, I don't deserve to be crushed under a mountain of debt.

I also heard my mom use that word. Toward the end of her life, when she was really suffering, I heard her ask what she had done to deserve this. That really struck me. She was a wonderful person, and from the outside it was so clear that she did not deserve this suffering that I could not believe she could even think that way.

I understand it better now. Sometimes, for a moment, I will wonder what on earth I did to deserve what I'm going through. I always snap out of it and realize that adversity does not get dished out that way, and that EVERYONE faces their trials, it is truly part of the whole roller coaster of being alive.

You know how some languages don't have a word for something? I think our language might be better off if we did not have a word for "deserve".

Why is the last mile always uphill?

2007-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's getting fairly grim around here.

The burns hurt all the time. The creams keep it at a tolerable but annoying level.

When I have a hot flash, its stings like crazy because I'm sweating on burned skin. Then I get cold, and that hurts too. The skin is so sore that having my headlights turn on is painful.

And of course, the discomfort drains me and makes me even more tired. At this point, I'm truly amazed that I can be MORE tired. We are getting down to a pretty fine level of degree here.

I only have one more week to go, believe me, that has become my mantra.

My husband was very perceptive when we were talking about this this morning. He understand that having this come at the end of treatment is both harder (because I've already been knocked around so much and for so long) and easier (because I'm so close to the end of this all I have to do it hold on a little while longer). He said that to him, this last six months has looked like one long extended bar brawl. That made me laugh. I do feel like every time I get up, I get punched in the face again.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed watching Rob Roy so much a couple of weeks ago. Normally, I can't take violence, not even movie violence very well, so I avoid movies that are known for it. But I enjoyed this film. I admired his strength and scrapiness in the face of adversity.

X Marks the Spot

2007-10-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

I had to go back to the radiologist's this afternoon. One of the brand new stickers already came off. It was on my rib cage, right under my scar and my bra rubbed it right off.

So I went back and they put two other stickers on in a different area, hoping that will work better. They also gave me a Sharpie and a strip of the round stickers that they use. If any of the new ones come off over the weekend, I'm supposed to darken the mark and cover it back up with a sticker. My chest looks like an angry treasure map.

My old stickers can come off now, but I'm not supposed to take them off in case they tear my skin! Ewwww. So I have to let them wear off on their own.

The radiology tech said that when I'm home, I should wear a cotton tank top with no bra, and tuck the material up under the girls so my skin does not rub against skin. Yow! You have got to be kidding me! That sounds horrifying. I thought the muu muu that I wore after surgery was a tough look to pull off!

So I told my husband in the car. He thought it was funny.

Preparing for boosts and wisdom teeth

2007-10-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Busy morning!

First I went in for radiation as usual. Today was my last full breast treatment (and in the nick of time too, the skin is so red!), and at the end of it they prepared for next week's booster treatments. They had to put the table in a different position. This time, the machine is positioned directly above me, looking down onto my chest. They add this plastic "tower" thing that slides into the machine, extends about a foot, and has a plate on the end that defines the area for the beam.

Since the machine is facing straight down, I asked them if my lung was going to get radiation. They said that the electrons from this beam are tightly focused and will not penetrate that far. Huh.

Then I had to go straight to the oral surgeon's office for my son to get his wisdom teeth out. He had to get all four done. It didn't take very long. He is home now, resting in a nest of comforters, pillows, cats and ice packs, and playing video games with this brother. His little brother was really sweet, he rushed upstairs to get pillows, blankets and stuffed animals so his brother could get comfortable. And he keeps offering to make him some soup or pour him a soda. They want him to drink carbonated drinks for some reason, so my husband ran out to Kroger's to get 7Up and fill his prescription.

So that's our plans for the weekend, take care of the tired, burned one, and take care of the one with the puffy cheeks.

Hat Check

2007-10-11T04:17:00.001-07:00

My last chemo was August 13, so I'm about two months out from it, so what's going on with my hair by now?

My eyelashes are filling back in. I only noticed because when I put mascara on, I can see that I have a bunch of short lashes that are only half as long as my regular ones. These are the new ones growing in. I lost more lashes than I realized, I'd say more than 50% are are the short ones just coming in.

My eyebrows are filling in too. I have been using pencil and powder to draw them in this whole time, and for a while there, I had to use my magnifying mirror to find the remaining few light hairs so I could follow my natural brow line. Now, even without pencil, you can tell I have brows, they are faint, but they are there.

How bout my head? Well, that's interesting. You can see progress almost daily. If I run my hand over it, it feels thicker and I can always feel a few new sharper hairs growing in too. But, you still see more scalp than hair, I still need to wear a hat, and if you look at me from a distance, I still look bald. So while the progress is very encouraging, the end result is unspectacular. And how, just how can you see progress every day, but no end result?

What else is going on? Well, my breast looks a little worse every day, I'd describe it as "scalded" now. That bugs me so much. I've avoided sun exposure all my life and now I'm getting the equivalent of a solar fly-by on one of the girls! I do realize that it will heal quickly once I stop getting my daily dose (next week is my LAST week of radiation!), so I'm not fretting about it all that much, I just hate to see it.

My back is all better. I was having a real problem there since I started radiation. I was breaking out on my shoulders and down my spine, and my skin felt like leather. It was very itchy too. I showed it to my radiation oncologist and she didn't know what it was. I bought a couple of nice body butters (got them at Walgreen's - Alba Papaya Mango body cream and Yes To Carrots C Throught the Dry Spell Body Butter, both paraben and mineral oil free, both very reasonable, the Alba one smells very tropical) and my poor teenage son has the job of rubbing lotion into my back every night while my husband is gone. It worked! My back is totally normal and happy now. I think what happened there is that I changed my shower habits, I have to protect the marks on my front from getting too much water now, so only my back gets the spray and that change was enough to dry my skin out.

I'm am still very tired. I've stopped getting any exercise at all. I'm not even trying at this point. I have faith that will improve as soon as radiation is over too.

The crochet project is progressing too. I abandoned my first attempt after it literally got tied in a knot. Oops. Don't even know how I did that. Then I started a second one. That looked better, but I noticed that the sides were getting narrower row by row. Huh. OK, threw that one out too. Started to wonder if I all I was going to do here is waste yarn! However, I am proud to report that try number 3 is looking good!

My husband gets home from Italy this afternoon. He told me yesterday that he bought a couple of bottles of very expensive wine. I think I might just open one, drink right from the bottle, and refuse to share it! LOL

My First Crochet Project

2007-10-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

I saw prayer shawls, vests, a toy bear and socks in progress last night. Making a sock looks more complicated than brain surgery, so I'm a little surprised that wearing those things ever caught on! I'm pretty sure it took the threat of freezing to death to motivate someone to figure it out in the first place.

My niece and I went to the Knit One, Heal Two meeting last night with a friend of mine who is also going through breast cancer treatment. I've been to a couple of other meetings in unusual locations, but this was my first time in their regular meeting place. My niece and I were so eager to get started on our own projects. I had crochet hooks that my friend in Florida sent me, the group gave us some yarn, and my long suffering friend settled down to give us lessons. Since she is still going through chemo, I'm not sure it's fair that this duty fell to her! I don't know where she found the patience.

My first project is a wine colored, crocheted scarf. My niece is making a scarf too, but hers is gray. We learned the single and the half double stiches. Yes, I think 2 half a doubles should equal a full double, but that's not how it works.

I felt like a total spaz as I tried to learn. I could not get my fingers right, I was keeping too much tension on the yarn, so it was a struggle to the death to get the hook through. I think I'm getting the hang of it though. I was so tense about it while I was trying to catch on that we were joking that I was going to hyperventilate.

I am now the proud creator of a wine colored strip that is about six inches long and almost two inches tall. Parts of it look pretty good, parts of it have unexplained protrusions. I had to unravel my very early attempt because what was supposed to be a straight line took off at a 90 degree angle! The thing just made an abrupt turn. Huh. Yarn can be very sassy.

Sitting in that room (it is in an old house that is now property of a church), in a circle of people happily working on something that they want to give to someone they don't even know, and chatting and laughing and eating (pumpkin pie last night since we were celebrating a birthday) is enriching and magical. It creates a sense of service, of purpose, and a supportive community. And it slows you down. You are not rushing to get somewhere, you are not taking two phone calls at once, eating while driving, or facing a full e-mail in box, you are sitting, enjoying people and methodically, unhurriedly doing something nice for someone.

All for Nothing

2007-10-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well, my meeting was cancelled just hours before it was supposed to happen, so I went in for no reason today. Sigh.

Normally, I'd be glad that I made it in anyway. I saw some people and used the time to print out a few things that I can work on from home. I have a couple of printers here at home, but it is nice to use the high speed printers at work for large documents. And I saw my boss in the hallway and we decided to change the next project that I'm going to work on, so that was good.

But I'm too tired to go in unless I really need to now.

The skin on my chest looks burned. I talked to the doctor and she said that it is exactly what they expect to see and what they want to see at this point in treatment. I understand where she is coming from, she wants to make sure I get the most effective dose, and of course, I do too, but I'm still very upset over how my skin looks. I feel sorry for it! Hasn't my body been through enough yet?

You can see a pink mark that starts at my armpit and goes across the top of my breast, and each of the pores on my breast has turned into a red unhappy looking dot. I feel more like a plucked chicken than ever.

I'm going to go slather some more cream on it.

Long Day Ahead

2007-10-09T04:26:00.000-07:00

I went to sleep around 10 last night. And woke up at 12 with a hot flash. I got back to sleep in about half an hour.

Then I woke up with another one at 3, and I have been awake since then. I really wanted to get back to sleep, so I didn't read, or grab my computer. I just stayed in bed in the dark with my eyes closed. You would think I could get back to sleep out of sheer boredom!

So I was awake for the hot flash that came at 6.

I'm starting to think about keeping a diary of how the night goes, except I can't think of what I would do with the information. I'm not sure I really want to know who few hours of sleep I am getting, or how often I hot flash.

I'm going in to the office today, and I need to hang in there because I have an important meeting at 4. Though it will be a long day, it will also go by fast because I have so much to do, and I will enjoy being in the office and seeing everybody. So maybe I won't find it that tiring after all.

I am hearby promising myself a nap tomorrow.

On Pins and Needles

2007-10-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

I tried acupuncture for the first time today.

I already knew this lady!! I met her when the Argentine Bean (local tapas restaurant - I'm so proud of us, we have a tapas place in Kentucky!) had an outdoor sangria festival last May. I think I was all done with my surgeries by then, and chemo was just around the corner, but had not started. I still had my hair.

My husband and kids came and we met some friends there. We had dinner with them first and they are wonderful people, so it is a very happy memory for me. No kidding when I look back on it in my mind's eye and see them across the table from me that night, there is a golden light shining all around them.

We spent most of the time at the festival getting airbrush tattoos. My husband had shaved his head in my honor, and he got a multi colored sun on the back of his head. I got a hibiscus on my leg. I loved it and had such a great time.

So I met her there. She and her husband know my friends, so we were introduced briefly. Then I saw her again when she gave a talk at the breast cancer fair (while there was great information there I still just hate being on that mailing list) at the local hospital.

And now I've met her again. Sure sounds like this was meant to happen.

Anyway, she started out by asking a lot of questions about what I've been through and how I feel physically and emotionally. I was very encouraged by her interest in my emotional welfare.

She explained the procedure, then I got up on a massage table. She let me touch one of the needles first, they are so fine that they bend at the slightest pressure. She put about 15 needles in (so she said, I didn't actually see any of them). One was on my scalp, one on my forehead, a few on my upper chest, some on my belly, some on my arms, legs and feet. While I could feel what she was doing, it did not hurt at all. Then she put this little warm pot with herbs in it on my tummy, covered me with a sheet and left me there for 20 minutes.

I spent the time trying to consciously relax every part of my body. That didn't go so well. I found this knot in my stomach that I just could not undo. But I did spend the time breathing and trying to relax, so hey, that's worth something. Also, it is a colonics place and every once in a while I could hear water rushing through the pipes, when I put two and two together, I would involuntarily wince a bit when the water ran! LOL I could not forget what might be going on in another room! Curse my vivid imagination!

Then she came back in, took the needles out and told me what kinds of things to expect. It could make me tired or sleepy (boy did it make me sleepy, I would have loved to take a nap! But I worked instead.), it could make me weepy, but how would I tell, that happens a lot right now anyway. It could also start to help with my sleeping problems, energy level and hot flashes. She said the effects are cumulative as my body learns from each treatment, so any relief that I got right now would be short term, but the good effects would last longer and longer after each treatment. I'll be sure to let you know on that.

Then I headed home. I live pretty close by, so I was home and standing in front of my kitchen sink about ten minutes later when I realized that I was completely relaxed!! Almost drugged kind of relaxed! It was terrific. I've felt relaxed and calm all afternoon.

She recommended that I come every week for six to eight treatments, then we'll talk about it and see what we should do from there.

No problem, I'll be happy to do this again.

And the Cleaning Continues...

2007-10-08T03:29:00.000-07:00

The kids were both gone for a few hours yesterday.

One was at a birthday party at the Renaissance Festival, the other was volunteering at the local hospital.

I had grand illusions that I was going to spend that free time working out, polishing my toes, paying bills, and liberating non-democratic countries. I can be very unrealistic about what can be accomplished within a given amount of time. Clearly.

Instead, I came home and cleaned the kitchen. I cleaned out the utensil drawers. They have really been bugging me. I have two utensil drawers and both have Rubbermaid plastic trays held down with sticky wax. Over time, those trays get dirty. Where all those crumbs and debris come from when you only put clean utensils in there is a mystery to me. So, I took everything out of each drawer, vacuumed the empty drawer, washed the trays and made everything prove its worth before I put it back in. I threw out some things that I can't even identify. I'm pretty sure there was a temperature probe in there from my Mom's old microwave oven. It was a Litton, bought when microwaves were brand new. It was roughly the size of a smart car. When you bought it, it came with a cooking class so you could learn how to use it. I still have the old hard cover recipe book that came with it. I can remember Dad cooking scrambled eggs and marshmallows (um, not together, of course. If you cook either on the pulse setting, they will expand at first, then start to pulse and look like they are breathing, we all thought that was hilarious and could not get enough of it). That thing was great entertainment.

Then I tackled my kitchen desk. It was piled about a foot high with coupon books, school papers, pictures that needed hanging, and just general stuff. I got the pictures hung (I'm very proud of that), and cleared out everything! I can see the desktop now. I moved the Bose iPod dock that my husband bought me last birthday on to the desk so I can rock out while cooking and cleaning now.

Yeah!! I can sit at the kitchen table without wanting to set fire to the crap on my desk.

My husband made an acupuncture appointment for me today. The office is in a colonics place. Huh. She came highly recommended so I'm not overly worried, but I will make very sure they know which service I want! Eeek.

I'll be sure to post how the appointment goes.

Cleaning House

2007-10-07T05:04:00.000-07:00

I get overwhelmed by house work.

I kept up well when it was just my husband and I. Started to slip a bit when we had our first kid, slipped more when we had our second, and got buried under the avalanche when I took my current job three years ago.

In the best of times, there are piles of papers and unripped CD's all over my office desk, you can't even see the kitchen desk, and there is probably laundry all over the dining room (which is at the front of our house, right by the front door, so how tacky is that?! One time a male neighbor dropped by and stood in my foyer for a while while we talked. Only after he left did I realize that there was a drying rack behind me the whole time, nicely decorated with my bras and lacy thongs! He did an amazing job of not reacting.)

So you can just imagine what chaos has ensued since I have been going through treatment. We've lost the wood floor attachment to our vacuum cleaner for months, the kids are leaving their clothes in bins on the floor downstairs instead of taking them upstairs and putting them away in their rooms, and there is stuff everywhere!

Mostly I've done my best to ignore it since I knew I needed my energy and focus for getting better and for essentials like working and making sure people are fed. And we do have a weekly housekeeper come in, so toilets and bathrooms are scrubbed, and vacuuming and dusting does get done, though not to the same standard as I would.

But yesterday, I took my first step toward taking the house back. I cleaned up our sun room. It is a small room, surrounded by windows. We have packed a sofa, chair, TV, treadmill and DVD cupboard in there, not very successfully. Well, with the kids help, we moved furniture around until we found a better way to squeeze the treadmill in, re-hung a painting that had fallen to the ground, sorted the DVD's and video games that were piled around the TV, re-potted the poor aloe vera that lives there and really needed some attention. We even vacuumed the vents. I also unpacked some of our Halloween boxes and got started on a little decorating.

I had to take a few breaks, but it felt so good to get one place tidy! When we finished, I sat there on the sofa, sipping water, watching the birds at the feeder (chicadees, gold finches and sparrows mostly), and looking through a stack of magazines. I hardly ever take time to just sit and browse through some magazines - it felt decadent! And I could relax, because I was sitting in a room where I could look around and not see one thing that needed to be done.

With a Little Help From My Friends

2007-10-06T06:38:00.001-07:00

As you know, yesterday I was one sad minkey.

Toward the afternoon, I got an e-mail from a close friend that works with me. She and I share obsessions for beauty and fashion. We just about run to talk to each other when we get a new catalog in the mail from Sephora or Saks. I don't buy much as a rule, because I am always watching my budget, but I still just love to go look and I go nuts for samples. We are addicted to Bath and Body Works coupons too.

Saks has a beauty event right now. If you spend a certain amount, you get a bag with samples, and some of the counters throw in a little gift too. We have both made it to the last two events. We were supposed to go together this Thursday after work, but I was too tired so I had to cancel. In the meantime, I enjoyed the catalog and tried the sample of the new Versace fragrance. It smelled great on paper, but smelled like bugspray on me! Bleh. We both laughed about all the money I was saving on that one.

Well, as I said, she sent me an e-mail yesterday afternoon. She asked me if she left work a little early, could she drop by to leave some food that she had made for us, and if I was up to it, she would drive us downtown to go to Saks together.

That cheered me up enormously, and finally got me into the shower.

So she dropped off two dishes of "Pizza Pasta", and another surprise. We have this friend at work who wins the cornhole tournament every single year. I call him "The Dominator" since he and his partner rarely allow the other team to score at all. Most years, the winning prize is a cornhole set. Another colleague of ours owns the shop that makes them (http://www.cornholeshop.com/ if you would like to support his family run business or your curiosity about the game needs to be satisfied.)

Well, he sent me a cornhole set as a surprise!! I really wanted one, but with two kids to put through college, I could never bring myself to spend money on it (silly what I will and won't spend money on, I know.) The winning prize this year was a day off from work, so I don't know how he got the set for me, but he did. I am so delighted by this gift! I will always think of him when I use it of course, but there are many nice evenings left to us before the weather turns cold, and cornhole is something that I can do with the kids even while I am recovering. It is a game that requires just enough energy to hurl a bag of corn (and typically, hold a beer in the other hand for ballast, a classic position seen in backyards all over the tri-state), I can't wait to get outside and play it with the kids.

So after we got all the goodies unloaded from her car, my friend and I headed downtown. She is a great conversationalist, so we just chatted back and forth like crazy the whole way. We always do. We started at the perfume counter. She picked up the new Pucci fragrance (try it, it starts strong, but settles down and smells very nice), and we found the perfect birthday gift for a friend of ours who has a birthday this month. So I grabbed the gift and headed to the Kiehl's counter to add a few little things for me. Turns out I bought more birthday gifts instead for another friend who has a birthday this month. She is going to love it!

Well, the lady at the Kiehl's counter complimented my hat (many people at the store did) and asked where I got it. When I told her, she told me that she is a cancer survior too. She was delightful. She has been healthy for two years now. She went to the same cancer center that I am going to.

She had colo/rectal cancer, so she was so funny about comforting me. She said I know it had to be hard for you to show your breasts to every one, but imagine me, I had to show everyone my BUTT!!! I just loved her. She talked about going through surgery and chemo and radiation, which made her start gushing about how great the radiation ladies are. And they are amazing. She gave me her card so I could make sure I got her name right when I say hello to the radiation ladies for her on Monday.

I just loved meeting her.

After that, we went over to the Juicy Couture section to buy "Viva La Cure" T-shirts. While we were there, my friend asked do you mind it when people ask you a lot of questions and tell you all about their experiences with cancer? My answer was nope, it usually warms my heart. The only time I get annoyed is when people tell me what to do. You will not believe how many people bark out orders to me like "watch comedies!", "get your rest!" or whatever. You will be amazed how aggressive some folks will get with their advice. I also don't appreciate one colleague that I have who loudly discusses my condition in front of customers. That really bugs me too. I don't like to be "outed" like that. I am very comfortable discussing it all with my friends and co-workers, but I don't see any place for it in a business setting.

The Kiehl's lady (who I truly hope I run into again, she was delightful) also gave me a tip. She said right after radiation, use a cotton ball to apply milk of magnesia. The Chanel lady did that and her skin did not burn when she went through radiation for breast cancer. My skin is starting to burn, so I will try this remedy. I can't see any harm in it, and it might help.

After my friend dropped me off at home, she stayed to share a glass of wine on the patio. That was wonderful! We just sat outside in the evening air, surrounded by flowers and sunshine, sipped our wine (a white that I am very proud of, it tastes amazing and is under $10 a bottle, I give it to all my friends) and talked. I swear I could feel my heart just soaking up the nourishment from having such a great time with her. I felt more relaxed than I have in weeks.

I'm really looking forward to wrapping the gifts for my friends (I got new wrapping paper on sale at Borders, and it is fabulous), and trying my new samples. I think I will use the bag to carry my supplies when I start making chemo caps for other people.

My niece also came over last night. She was here when I got home. We had dinner together, talked about how to start making caps for other people, she is as fired up about the idea as I am, and watched a Jeff Dunham DVD that she brought over (he is pretty darn funny if you have not seen him), and she put the kids to bed because I fell asleep before the show was over.

So, thanks to the kindness of friends, family and total strangers, I ended up having a great day.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2007-10-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

Work yesterday turned out to be hard on me.

It started out fun. My brother sent me a big box full of silly string. There was enough for the boys to enjoy a ton and for me to have a few cans too.

So I brought three cans into work and the two girls in my department went outside with me and used it on a grassy area behind the building. It would be pretty hard not to laugh like a looney while you've got a can of silly string.

Then we went back in and I had a ton of work to do. It was very hot outside, and I headed outside a couple of times during lunchtime to watch my friends play the Amazing Race and Cornhole (if you are not from around here, let me assure you that is a game played with boards and bean bags, not what you might be thinking) because it is United Way week at work. It was also hot inside. So I sweated like a beastie the whole day. It was hot enough that I had to keep my cap off a few times. A couple of my colleagues made some rude remarks about my bald head. I don't think they meant to hurt my feelings, but they did anyway. I think they were just trying to use humor to deal with the situation, but I gotta tell ya, some things just aren't funny.

I got everything that I had set out to do that day accomplished which was great, but I think all that being overheated really wore me out. I was a wreck by the time I got home. We went out to a new (new to us, don't know why we didn't try it before) Thai restaurant for dinner and I perked up a little when I had some food. Then I came home and went straight to bed. I didn't even stop to put creams on my chest or to wash my face. For me, that is a sign of the Apocolyse. I don't go to bed without washing my face.

I'm still tired today. So tired that I have not made it into the shower yet. Yuck. That used to be an impossiblity, but it has happened to me a few times through surgeries, chemo and radiation. Sometimes, I'm just too tired to drag myself into the shower.

And I just dropped my husband off at the airport. He is flying to Italy today. Without me.

Before you starting thinking what a cad he is, let me explain.

He went to Italy for work around this time last year. He begged and pleaded for me to come with him. He found out about it without much notice, so I was not comfortable going. I felt I had too much to do here for the kids and work, so I stayed and he went. He loved Italy and wanted to go right back. So we decided right after he got home that I would go with him on the trip this year.

But I can't. I'm still doing radiation. So my husband cancelled his plans to go on the trip this year too. Then a customer of his who is a handful said he was going on the trip, so my husband arranged to go and do damage control. (After asking me if I was okay with it, and, at the time, I was.) Then the customer backed out and it was too late for my husband to get a refund on his tickets. So my husband is not being mean, he is as trapped by circumstance on this one as I am.

I told the radiation ladies today how sad I was that he was going and I was being left behind. They said I should have told them, and that I could have taken a week off from treatments to travel. I did not know that, but it would not have changed my mind if I did. I don't want to go while I'm this tired, and bald and knowing that I would be coming back to two more weeks of radiation.

I would rather go some other time when I feel great, and when I have all these treatments behind me.

So I understand why I'm not going, I know the choice not to go was mine, but that does not stop me from being sad about it.

Uppity Port

2007-10-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

Last evening, when I undressed, I took the little bandaid off my port. The front of the port had felt a little pinchy all day. When I looked at it, you could see a circle that was about an inch or so bigger on all sides of the port, where my skin had gone white, and the circular edges where the port pushes out against my skin were pink.

The spot where the needle went in looked fine, and I felt fine, so I decided not to do anything and just take a look at it this morning.

Now it looks normal. Huh. I guess is was just irritated from being accessed, or the alcohol, or the numbing cream, or something. I spend a lot of my time lately being irritated, so I know just how it feels. :-)

I also talked to my friend who makes my hats and she is going to make one for the lady that I met yesterday. That just made my day. It takes her about a week to make one, and she is going to give me lessons so I can make them too. We are trying to figure out how to make them faster. We would like to find a way so that everyone who asks me where I get my hats can have a few of her own, and we can donate some to locate doctors offices and agencies too.

Last night as I was settling down and watching a Smallville DVD with the kids, I started alternating hot and cold flashes. I had cold flashes last year before this all started, but they have changed now. Here's what it feels like: First I get a hot flash, that means that instant sweat pops out on my scalp and the middle of my back, and I feel like my upper body is in the blast from an open oven door. Since I was raised Catholic, I also sometimes get the sensation of feeling guilty or embarrassed at the same time. I think I'm programmed to think that if I'm flushing, I've done something wrong! LOL During the hot part, I throw off the covers and turn on a little fan on my night table. Then awhile after the hot flash has receded, and I've turned off the fan and am eyeing the covers with thoughts of tugging them back up, I get the strangest sensation, it is a wave of cold that also has tingles under my skin, deep under my skin. I haven't felt anything quite like it before, but it is a little like the tingle that your skin feels if you go outside on a snowy day, except it is an internal sensation, not external. So then, I need to huddle under the covers until it passes. It's like having an internal York Pattie.

Strange.

Annoying, but I must admit, also funny.

I'm off to work now, I need to go into the office to finish up a few things.

Tight Squeeze

2007-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.

The lady that I met today? Her cancer was found in a routine mammogram. It was a total surprise.

So was mine.

So if you are a woman and you have stumbled on to this blog for some reason, and you are overdue for your mammogram, pick up the phone now!

If someone you love is putting it off, remind them.

I came dangerously close to skipping mine this year. I've had so many others that showed no problems, and I was very busy and I couldn't see the harm in skipping just one year. Thankfully, I caved and made the call when they sent me a second notice.

If they find it early you have so many options and such a good prognosis.

Don't let anything stand in your way of doing this for yourself.

Feelin Flush

2007-10-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

After radiation this morning, I went in to get my port flushed for the first time after chemo. I'm supposed to do this every six to eight weeks to keep it in good working order.

It was nice to be able to walk back to the chemo suite and not need chemotherapy. It was so different. I was by myself instead of having a family member with me like I did for each treatment, when I was in the little waiting area, I could concentrate on my magazine (National Geographic article on alternative fuel sources), and while I was having the port flushed, I could relax and just enjoy talking to the nurse. I'm glad being in the chemo suite didn't bother me. I've read about people who get nauseous just seeing the chairs or seeing their oncologist. The memory is still that vivid and physical for them.

When I think back on it, I do definitely remember the discomfort and the fear, but I'm soothed by also remembering all the great people that have helped me and how lucky I am to be doing so well. I feel more gratitude than horror. At this point anyway!

The nurse was very kind and did a great job of helping me through it (even with the cream, it still hurts), so as weird as it sounds, it was a very enjoyable visit to the oncologist's office.

While I was in the waiting room, a woman came up to talk to me. She is a five year breast cancer survivor (she looks terrific by the way, and she has gorgeous hair), and her daughter is currently being treated. She walked up to me while her daughter was already back in the office somewhere, to ask me where I got my hat. I'm wearing my new black pom pom one. She wanted to get one for her daughter. She gave me her name and phone number and I will talk to my friend who makes them to see if she would be willing to make one for someone else.

I think you may have to be a woman, and you may have to actually lose your hair before you can truly understand how devastating it is. And how very comforting it is if you can find a cute, fun way to deal with it. In addition to my collection of amazing hats that my friend has made for me, I have a new one. A friend found it at an art fair over the weekend. It is knit of fuzzy, soft, blue yarn and at the crown it has a kind of tassel made from thick cord. I love this hat too. When I turn my head, I can feel the tassel move and it almost feels like having a pony tail.

Then her daughter came back into the waiting room and we talked for a while about our diagnoses and treatments. She is halfway through 8 chemo treatments. And she had a double mastectomy, so she has really be through a lot. Her mom was telling me all about her experience five years ago and about what he daughter is going through now. They were terrific, and I enjoyed meeting them. It was wonderful to see their devotion to each other too.

Panic at the Disco

2007-10-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

I flew into a bit of a panic last night.

During the afternoon, my husband called. He leaves for Italy this Friday and will be gone for a week. He called to say there was a chance he might need to say over the next weekend in Europe so he could go to Finland. We joked about it, and I said since those were my last two weeks of radiation, he was going to have to pick a country, and get back home already.

By evening, I had looked at a calendar and realized that he would be gone over two weekends, and most of my last two weeks of treatment. I panicked! I have already pared my expectations down to the essentials. All I plan to achieve while he is gone is that the kids with be fed, clothed, and where they need to be for their activities. I'll continue to work from home. I won't take on anything else, and by "fed", I will accept having my 16 year old son drive us through EVERY NIGHT if that's how it needs to be.

But I may not be up for our usual weekend chores. We pay bills, grocery shop, and do all the laundry on the weekends, and since I've been in treatment, my husband does the shopping and most of the laundry.

So I hustled the kids right over to Target. We bought loads of socks and underwear, and few more pairs of pants and tops for both of them. My goal was that they could have fresh clothes every day for school for two whole weeks even if I did not do one load of laundry. I don't think I quite made it to that level, but they should be able to go for more than a week now which gives me some leeway.

My 10 year old needed to try stuff on, so I sat on the floor outside the dressing room, leaning against a pole (which felt great, it was cool metal, and of course I was hot flashing) until he was done.

I drove myself through Burger King for a veggie burger on the way home. I had not taken time to eat dinner because I wanted to get to Target before I ran out of energy.

When my husband called later, he was so upset. He said it broke his heart to hear how worried I was and that I was making preparations to try to cope without him. It made me sad too.

He thinks he can get out of the Finland trip, and now he is sorry that he even mentioned it to me. It has been very hard for both of us to balance work life and home life while I've been going through this. Work is great because it gives us purpose, distraction and income, but it also brings pressure and obligations that can be very hard to meet.

When you go through all these treatments, you feel weak and vulnerable, and it doesn't take much to make you go into a tailspin.

Back on Track

2007-10-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much better!

My energy is back, and my skin has settled down too. I think the creams that I am using might have a cumulative effect, because I have not had a day as bad as Thursday was since I started to use them. Or maybe my skin is just happier because I did not get radation for two days over the weekend. The doctor also recommended that I add Benadryl cream to the mix. I ended up buying the spray instead (the only paraben free option), and I'm using that in the evenings since that is when it seems to flare up.

I did some research over the weekend. I searched for blogs of people going through radiation. I found many. I was looking to see if other people described the pain that I felt, and what they did to help themselves through it. I did not find any information on that, but I did find plenty of interesting stuff.

One lady ended up writing a blog about her cancer treatments for a living! Huh. She also ended up writing for Beyond magazine, and her blog said that they were going to stop publishing after the third issue. She was sad about that.

As someone going through treatment, I hated that magazine. I thought it was depressing and that they made statements that were cavalier and not based in fact. In particular, I remember an article casually mentioning that going through chemo ages you by at least 10 years. Really? In what way? What ages by ten years? Cognitive function, bone mass, muscle tone, circulation, what? And which chemo drugs specifically? Taken in what doses and for how long? They made that shocking statement like it was well accepted fact and didn't back it up with any evidence or explanation. While you are struggling to cope with your diagnosis and treatments, the last thing you need is unsubstantiated negative information. I was offended both as a patient and as a person with a brain.

Anyway, her blog was very interesting. The machine that she had for treatments required her to blow in a tube and hold her breath so the beam would miss her heart. She said sometimes that was very difficult, until they found a problem with the tube. She also had a picture of the marks on her chest. She was tattooed a bit, and her sharpie marks looked like big multi colored slashes all around her breast. Mine don't look like that at all. I have a x's on my sides, and a series of small slashes, one X and an L on my breast. Funny how much treatment and equipment vary from place to place.

So when I saw the doctor yesterday we talked about last week. If it gets bad again, she will give me a pain killer, but for now, we are going to stick with the creams. I also asked her to verify that she was able to block my heart out for treatments.

This is where it gets cool. She whipped out my cat scan. The picture was as if you were looking at a cross section of me at the level of my shoulders. I could clearly see both lungs, my spine, and my heart. Over the left breast, I could see all the different colored lines that represent the fields where I am being treated. It was fascinating! They are able to keep my heart out of the beam, though it does get some residual radiation just from being so close to where the beam does go. They skim the front surface of my left lung. It is a shallow portion. She also showed me a series of x-rays that showed a side view of where the radiation goes. You could see how the aperture varied in order to protect the organs in my chest. I liked the cat scan so much I almost asked for a copy! What incredible technology.

After my appointment, I went in to work and had a great day. I am very relieved. So far, I have been told that if radiation makes you feel bad, you will stay feeling bad until treatment ends - so I was thought I might be in for a few rough weeks. I'm interested to see if I start feeling bad again this Wednesday like I did last week, or if I'll stay feeling good.

I also forgot to tell you about something sweet. Last Friday was my roughest day. As I said, my husband was very worried when he saw me struggling to get ready to leave for work. I did better than I thought I would all day, but I still felt crummy and it was still hard. When I got home, and walked in the back door, there were both my kids and my husband, smiling, holding roses and a musical card and shouting "Happy Half Way Day!!"

The roses (white and red) are on a dresser in front of me as a write this. Every time I see them, I smile and remember that moment and how much I am loved.

Half Way and Holy Cow

2007-09-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I've had a rough few days.

All day Thursday my radiated side was itchy. Just annoyingly itchy, not enough for me to get up and do anything special about it.

Until around 7 that evening. Suddenly it changed from a regular old itch to an unbearably painful on fire sensation. The doctor had given me some sample creams (Xclair and Aquafor), so I put those on right away. But they don't work fast. So I spent about and hour holding on to it (that helped for some reason), crying and rocking. I was just about to give up and take a Percocet when it subsided down to a level that I could stand. Wow, that was bad.

Friday morning, I had to take a shower before treatment and wash the creams off because the area has to be clean and dry. I was a little worried about the pain coming back during that time. It turns out that it was uncomfortable, but not too bad. There was no doctor there to prescribe more Xclair for me, so they gave me a handful of samples. I clutched the dang things to my chest when I got them, I was that happy to know that I had enough to last me through the weekend.

So I came home after my Friday treatment which was my halfway point, three weeks down, three to go, and slathered up with all the creams, then took a thirty minute rest. After that I headed out to work. It was so hard! I just felt like I could not move. I slogged around the house, getting ready, and my husband wondered aloud if I was going to make it to work all right.

I did, but it was rough. I had to expend a lot of effort to stay focused on the road.

I did better at work than I thought I would. I did move around much more slowly than usual. And I was subdued, my sense of humor is leaving me again, but I made it through the whole day. I had to meet with my boss and tell her that I don't think I'm up for coming into the office anymore. I am going in on Monday since I had already committed to it and I have two meetings, but after that, I guess I'm going to have to work full time from home over the next few weeks. Part of me is glad because I really don't have the energy to spend on putting on makeup, driving and being around people, but I'm also sad about it because here I go again, living in my bedroom while I endure something awful.

Tired

2007-09-26T14:02:00.000-07:00

Yep, I'm very tired today.

Tired.

Fussy.

Crankified.

The last few mornings during radiation, right in the middle as the machine pivots over me when it moves from left to right, I get this insane urge to leap off the table and run around shrieking and waving my arms.

Good News and Bad News

2007-09-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've been talking with my oncologist, and he gave me the OK to get my portacath removed as soon as I am done with radiation. While I am not excited about the procedure part, I am very excited to get another milestone behind me! And so excited to get this thing out of my chest, it literally bugs me every day. It aches while I sleep, it itches frequently. I know why I got it installed and I'm very glad that I did, I have no regrets there, but I am even more glad that I don't need it any more. Yippeee, that is one BIG step away from being a patient. And one less daily reminder. I still have too many of those right now.

By November, I'll have no more appliance in my chest, and maybe a decent crop of short hair! That would be so wonderful! It would really help me to move on and start turning my focus away from treatments and diagnoses and towards getting back to being my usual uppity self. Oh, I can't wait!

Now for the bad news. I just heard that a young man at work lost his wife to cancer. I don't have details, I don't know what kind she had, or how long she was she fought it. I only know how much it makes my heart ache that he lost his wife. He is a great guy, and they are both so young. Far too young to face this.

Since I got my diagnosis, I've had to deal with so many emotions. That's not really one of my strong points either. I've been a firm believer in the "just stuff it all down and move on" school of emotional management. Having cancer and writing this blog is helping me to change that. Or er... um.... more accurately, forcing me to change that.

One of the wierdest is feeling unlucky and lucky at the same time. I'm unlucky because I had cancer and I am going through all the frights and treatments that that entails.

But I'm luckier than hell because my prognosis is so great. I'll be fine after all this. The cancer is all gone, and I get to return to raising my kids, working, and just enjoying it all. More and more people are surviving breast cancer. And while I do see tons of normal people every day who still get to live in blissful ignorance, I also see patients every day who are going through worse, and not doing as well. Or I hear about a death in the family of someone that I know.

And as I go through this strange experience, I get more and more respect for everyone around me. Respect for my family and friends who have gathered around me and faced this thing head on with me. Their support has been unwavering, loving and so very generous.

Respect for myself since I've turned out to be one tough cookie.

Respect for my fellow patients whom I am getting to know, and their bravery and beauty.

Respect for all of my doctors, nurses, and therapists who have been so patient, kind and understanding.

Respect for life which is both fragile and tenacious at the same time.

Hump Week

2007-09-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

In Southern California, where I come from, all the radio stations call Wednesday "hump day" because it is the middle of the week and once you get past it, you are on the slide down toward the weekend.

So for me this is hump week. Once I'm done with week three, I've got just three more to go.

So what does the half way point feel like?

Well, not too bad.

I am very tired in the morning. That is partly due to the radiation, and partly due to the fact that for months now, hot flashes have been waking me up every night. Sometimes I can get back to sleep, but most of the time I can't. For instance, I've been up since three this morning. That means that by the time I need to get out of bed around 5:45 to start getting the kids ready for school, I am very tired. It does get better as the day goes on though. I get my second wind in the mid morning and usually feel pretty good for the rest of the day.

What am I doing to try to fix that? Well, I'm exercising, (dancing, walking, yoga and Pilates) basically so that I'll feel better over all and in hopes that it will tire me out enough that I can sleep through a whole night. I'm eating well. I see a healer once a month too. She uses a system called "Body Talk" among other things including Reiki. I think she has helped me a great deal. I am also going to try acupunture.

Acupunture is expensive. So the parsimonious part of me is rebelling. But, one of the things that I promised myself I would learn from getting cancer is that I need to spend some of my money on things that make me feel good and are good for my health. So, no flinching, I'm just going to try it. And if it works, then I'll keep up with it.

The other side effect is itching. Very embarrassing itching. Itching between the girls, and even worse - itchy nipple! There really is no good time for that to get itchy!

To help with that, I am using aloe vera gel and moisturizing lotions after I get my radiation treatment in the morning. And hydrocortisone cream directly on the itchy area if it gets out of control. Which it does.

I asked my radiologist what really causes the itching and she said that it is caused by cellular destruction. Basically, my skin cells are being destroyed faster than they can regenerate, so the skin becomes irritated. A little like getting a peel (which I have never done, but I've seen a few friends after they had one, and their faces looked a lot worse than my skin looks right now).

My radiologist was a little worried that I would get freaked out when she mentioned cellular destruction. I assured her that I completely understood the thought behind using radiation and that I know that the whole aim of it (yes, that was a pun there) is to destroy any cancer cells that may be left, and unfortunately, all the healthy cells are going to be affected too. I would not go through a treatment if I did not understand both the purpose of it and exactly how it works.

I have complete faith in my body's ability to bounce back and repair any damage that occurs, and I want to be sure that I did EVERYTHING I could to eradicate even the tiniest cancer cells that might have remained, so I'm just fine with radiation and how it works. At least until we find a better treatment anyway.

Super Freak

2007-09-24T07:33:00.000-07:00

We went to a wedding on Saturday.

I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I love celebrations.

My husband went shopping with me for a new dress. It was a challenge because I wanted one that would cover my portacath and the stickers on my chest. That was fairly hard to do. In the end, I got a very nice dress that did not cover my portacath at all. But it was a little cool in the reception hall, so my chest was covered by a shawl for the whole evening anyway. I also got a kicking pair of shoes. The dress was a more formal version of a sundress in black with large white polka dots, so the shoes are high heeled, peep toed, flame red works of art. I love those things! And for warmth, I wore a beautiful green pashmina that my husband brought back from his trip to Italy last year. So far so good.

My bald head was the problem. None of my normal hats or caps looked good with the dress. I ended up with a small black straw hat that I bought a hundred years ago. The final effect was not half bad, but I was distressed about it as I kept on trying different hats and caps and not seeing anything that I liked.

So, we get there. There were about 400 guests at this wedding. I sat at a table full of friends from work. And I felt like a complete freak. As with most weddings, the crowd was mostly younger and in vigorous good health. I was the only one there who was obviously sick, and the only one with a hat of course.

I know it seems like a little thing, and I know other people don't care about it at all, I'm not upset because I feel the pressure of other people staring. I'm upset because I'm tired of being bald, tired of having a portacath, tired of feeling like I stand out for all the wrong reasons. The side effects of cancer treatments are so public!

I would have liked to enjoy the reception and forget all about the last few months for a while, but I couldn't do that. The whole process of dressing up and going out in public just reminded me of the whole thing instead of allowing me to escape from it.

Acupuncture

2007-09-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

I went to a cancer health fair at my local hospital this week.

They had free massage and acupressure sessions which were very nice, a ton of materials, and a couple of presentations.

I went to the acupuncture presentation. The lady said that UCLA did an acupuncture study for chemo patients and it was so successful that now all chemo patients there get acupuncture instead of all the support drugs. I wish I had known about that, and I intend to check that study out.

Listen to the price though, the hospital wants $180 for the initial session, and $120 for each session after that. For chemo, they recommend a session right before, a session right after, and sessions as needed in the weeks in between. And very few insurance companies will pay for this. So how is a cancer patient supposed to afford this? And the other treatments like massage and refloxology that can do so much to help you cope, feel better, and recover from both the disease and the rigorous treatments? I think insurance companies see this treatments as medically unnecessary. I don't agree at all. These are things that you can do to boost your general health and wellbeing, and to support yourself as you go through a major physical and mental crisis.

It really emphasized a major defect in our current health system. Insurance pays for drugs, but not for wellness. My prescriptions were pretty expensive, made me miserable, and had plenty of potential side effects that could lead to tons more claims as I visit the doctor and get even more prescriptions to help me cope. Why on earth would they not support a procedure like acupucture that doesn't have side effects? Our insurance companies have always been weak on covering anything for wellness and that is a shame. I don't want to bash the insurance industry too much because they really have paid for a lot of my treatments and procedures, I just think they need to look at a much bigger picture, and consider the toll of drug interactions and human suffering when they consider what they will and won't cover.

Itchy and Scratchy

2007-09-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well, Friday was my last treatment for week two. So I'm one third of the way done with radiation. Four more weeks to go.

After my treatment, as I walked out, one of the guys who waits around at the same time as I do flagged me down to tell me that his lung cancer is shrinking so they pulled his chemo back from every day to two days a week. He was so excited, and so was I. What terrific news.

I went into work after that. Mornings are getting very hard. I wake up tired, get the kids to school, and pretty much get my second wind when I walk in for radiation which makes me instantly sleepy right afterwards. I feel like I spend most of the day wading through waist high water. It isn't debilitating though, I can keep going through it and by the afternoon, I'm usually feeling pretty good. I just have to keep pushing to get through the mornings which is difficult and aggravating.

So while I'm at work, I started to get this uncontrollable itch right between the girls. I tried to ignore it. I went into the cube of a good friend to talk, and since I've known her for years, I went ahead and scratched a bit, then my head got itchy too, so I scratched that. I told her I would completely understand if she kicked me out of her cube! How attractive, a bald girl with the mange! Ugh. I put some hydrocortisone cream on it when I got home. I'll ask my radiologist what else I can do when I see her on Monday. We gotta do something to keep that in check for sure. Geez.

A Friend in Need

2007-09-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

I took my youngest to his cub scout den meeting last night. I've known most of the parents and kids there for 4 or 5 years now.

One of the moms had breast cancer a while back. I remember that a letter went out to all the kids in her child's class saying that his mom had cancer and they could use any kind of help that folks could offer.

At that time, I was running my own consulting business, taking care of two young kids and my husband was travelling full time for work, but I could not ignore this family's call for help. So I offered to make a meal. I remember it was summer, and hot outside and I was hot and bothered as I made double dinner that night so I could feed her family and mine. I made BBQ chicken, two or three side veggies, cornbread and cookies for dessert if I remember right. I cooked up a ton. I wanted enough for my family and enough for her family to have more than one meal. I packed it all up and took it to her. I remember feeling happy that I could help and so sad that she and her family were facing such a tough thing.

She liked the meal so much, that she asked us to make her another one! I didn't know if I should feel flattered or harassed. My husband stepped in to help. He made a great meal, and dropped it off too.

Well, she made a point of talking with me as we were sitting around last night. It's been three whole years since then and she is doing great. In a way, it feels like so much longer ago than that. Your kids do a ton of growing in three years, and much has changed for me too. It was great to hear that she is doing well and she assured me that in time, I will be able to go through whole days where I don't even think about it. I think perhaps she has underestimated my ability to dwell! LOL

She also said that radiation was easy for her the whole time. So that was very encouraging!

I think she finds it hard to talk about, but she made the effort to try to help me. And I'm glad that she did.

Three for Three

2007-09-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my morning radiation.

They took an x-ray again. Called out new numbers (they call out a number every morning, I always figured it was to confirm that I was in the right position), and got rid of one of my old marks and made a new one.

I'm glad they have all these tools to assess how the treament is going, and that they can change things and make adjustments whenever they need to. I am. But as a patient, it is confusing. What is different this week from last week? Why did it take three x-rays over three days to find out something that made them make a change? I don't understand a thing about how radiation plans and decisions are made (obviously), but this is more confusing than getting chemo.

During chemo, they check how you are feeling, and take various tests to see how your kidneys, liver and heart (among other things) are fairing. And of course, if they did not remove your lump, they check to see if it is shrinking, then they make any adjustments based on what they learn. That all makes sense.

But with radiation, they lay you on a table, move you around until they find "x marks the spot" and you just stay put while the machine moves around you. So what could change about that? What did the x-rays teach them that they didn't know last week? In that way, this kind of treatment is more mysterious than surgery and chemo were.

Not that I'm complaining! Radiation does not make me miserable, so it is my favorite of the treatments by far. I'm just puzzled because I don't understand this process, and so much of it is invisible to me.

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

2007-09-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

You already know that I've been having hot flashes, and that they wake me up a few times every night. They really aren't that bad though. I do feel like I'm about to burst into flames, but only from the waist up, and I don't sweat all that much, mostly just on my scalp and it passes fairly quickly.

Well, last night I think I learned all about night sweats. I've heard of them. I woke up drenched from head to toe! Ick! And the whole bursting into flames thing was full body too. Since there is nothing I can really do about this, I'm reduced to hoping that it burns up a lot of calories so there is some compensation for feeling like a human torch. Wow, I hope that doesn't happen too often.

Other than that, I had a great day yesterday. I saw my radiation ladies. They took x-rays on Monday that they said were routine and helped them to verify positioning for my treatments. They took another one yesterday. They said they needed to use a grid for this one since their targeting is so fine that they literally work in millimeters. I am a big fan of them getting all the information that they need, but it reminded me that any changes in routine when you are a patient tend to cause anxiety. Even though they assured me that all was well, since they needed an extra x-ray, I could not help but worry a little bit that something was wrong.

I also saw my chiropractor for the first time in months. When I was getting chemotherapy, I felt brittle and vulnerable, and I just wasn't willing to add adjustments to that mix. But I feel much stronger and more normal now. I'm hoping that seeing her will help with my low back pain and headaches.

After that, I got a ton done for work, which felt very good. The time just flew, and it felt great to keep checking things off my list, and to make a contribution to the project that I was reviewing. When I was going through chemo, I felt like I was fading away and I clung to my work as lifeline and something that gave me motivation and purpose. Now that I'm feeling so much better, I don't cling to it anymore, and I'm not pushing myself as hard as I was, but it is still such an important part of my life and I am so glad that even through all this, I have still been able to keep up and make contributions to the teams that I work with and the projects that I work on.

In the evening, I grabbed my niece and a friend who is a fellow cancer patient picked us up to attend a meeting of the knitting group that I joined recently. This meeting was a knitting/potluck/line dancing extravaganza. One of the couples put some music on and gave lessons. We learned the electric slide, the Elvira, the Macarena and the hustle. Since I was among friends, I whipped my cap off, headed for the dance floor and proceeded to shake it like a total dork. It was terrific!